FAQ's

i saw a canvas tote bag with the inscription "i left my heart in california". how nice for that girls heart. its probably sunbathing in a bikini with a frozen cocktail at hand.

i think i left mine somewhere between stability and risk. but after high school. and not too far from now.
somewhere my heart is left sitting on a park bench holding a cardboard sign and on that sign is the handwritten note "i'm a veteran i need money for food". my heart has its eyes closed somewhere. it can't see, it's probably alone, and it definitely misses me.

"do i miss it" you all ask? and i'd love to sit back put my feet up and gush to you about how much i do. but i'm an honest person, i make an honest living, and i'd like to write an honest blog if you don't mind. so, for the record that is this blog, let me say i don't exactly miss it. i miss the heart i had back in the good ol' days, but not the one i left that's holding that sign now. not the one that's skipping beats. quite frankly i've had the passing thought that maybe i'm better off without it. can you picture that? me either so i put it down immediately and went forward.

anyway its all really irrelevant because i don't have the luxury of remembering where i left it. and even if i had it's all just speculation. that stuff about it missing me.

back home i'm beginning to let myself go and i don't care who knows it (which should be made apparent by this here blog entry). i think its fairly safe to say i've gained a couple pounds. and may gain a couple more.

The Heart Not On My Sleeve

last night before i fell asleep i was thinking about my heart, not the one that belongs to an ex-lover, but the tangible one that's sitting in my chest cavity, beating, and working to sustain my life. i have no control over this, it is completely involuntary (although i've read people can meditate and slow their heart rate down to like two beats per minute - i'm not one of those buddhist monks though, and dear reader i doubt you are either) and even though i've known this for quite sometime i was surprised because life is really very voluntary, especially for those with access to a gun, a piece of rope, a plastic bag, a train, a knife, a plethora of pills, a car and garage, or a tall building with roof access. and while the ease of suicide is depressing - paired with the fact we can so easily slip into a bout of sadness with lingering suicidal thoughts, the fact of the matter becoming even more depressing - i found myself rather optimistic about life because lying in my bed, alone for the first time in nights, i knew that tomorrow i'd wake up and go out there and my heart would already be beating for me!