Thursday, September 1, 2016

A Treason

where is all that's wrong with me?
i'm not sure where is goes
is it visible to you, because i always feel the tow
it's taxing and my knees ache
i shoulder this disease though
and oftentimes i find the weight unnerving
is it just the curve of learning?
so bend it's bound to break
and i'm praying for my sake
and yours and ours
but trust me as i say
"i know words just drift away
 - but i love you more each day"
it's tender but i need your trust
i'll dissipate in all this lust
you can't merely be a lesson
the reason of all my apprehension
love they say is fleeting
but gosh girl, you're every season
my sole reason for believing
for my existence seems a treason
if i'm not with you give me reason

Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Electric Fence

keep your distance
and leave me in this prison
on your search for better brighter
we went, i'll let her right it
i said instead we're goners
my head so far from
my heart
need a head start, away from you
your head on my heart, i lay with you
all my mistakes made with you
in mind, nevermind

Wednesday, August 17, 2016

So Far Gone

how to see another day
mapped out this way
vile and weak
you're the repellent i seek
nothing's left, yet
i'm still losing
& the tower you look out from
is up on a mountain
it's no bother shouting
but i have & my voice is hoarse

Thursday, July 14, 2016

Retreat With Our Tears

i came into your job
& the first thought to come to mind
pop into my head - was holy shit
you'd look great in any color apron
i pointed you out to my friend & i
was feeling oddly shy while she called you over
you were serving your friends
but you came on over, asked for my number again
this was when i noticed, for certain -you'd been crying
i'd spent so many days on the job
doing exactly the same

so let me come with you, i'll leave all my issues
off to the side, off with my pride, all just to see your smile
and i think i might love you, but i'll never say it
i have a way with making it known, i'll keep the love out on loan
but i'll never forget the look on your face when he came and said
"oh but we're older, death is much closer"
everything's changed & stayed exactly the same
if you haven't noticed you signed my death notice

Tuesday, July 5, 2016

Be. There.

often i wonder aloud
could it be you who's waiting
- but that's the role i've taken
it's selfish and mistaken
are you home now? i can be there
i just need that parchment paper invite
written in calligraphy
the missteps of all that i romanticize
are dancing on my heart
i'm shocked and torn apart
i never mean to miss, your s.o.s.
the best of us had broken off
and fallen to the sea
where it slowly came undone
and turned into debris

Tuesday, May 3, 2016

Grappling Hooks & Ladders

i let myself go with you
top shelf, but to hell with you
and you said the best is yet to come
to death- let's rest before it comes
i'm unsure of a cure for your lure
it's a war - top drawer - where
i keep a map of the madness
what for? you got it up there
you a bad bitch, give me one more
chance, at long last a fire in my
heart, wrongly cast you a liar
you're selling, i'm a buyer
you yelling, i'm a crier, fall
i'm behind ya
wanna call? i got a line for ya
- nah stall, that's your style
put up them walls about a mile, high
guess you want me to give up
if it's a test don't expect me to keep up
i'm gonna leap over that wall called jesus
he gave me reason to quit behaving
like a sleazy no good demon

Monday, April 25, 2016

Strangers Make My Adrenaline Skyrocket

us in that room with strangers
feelin' all but crazy in this situation
star gazin, heartfelt why we're here though
and i look over at you, lying still
i want to push these beds together
oh! let them catch us
it took one look for me to grasp
that everything you have
is grace and beauty
i'm all too aware of what i'm losing
but if i could steal a kiss
i'd lose a hand, but labeled thief
you made hell better than can be believed

Thursday, March 3, 2016

Handrail Homecoming

back at square one - haaaa
i never let it come undone
snapped all the buttons
i'm still coming undone though
the spinning top stops
and i watch you rock
all around and back and forth
i jump rope beside you
and complain i'm out of breath
i know it's a waste of speech
as you hastened the road to hatred
i wondered how i'd fair
fair, is that i'm alive and well
even when you're absence makes it feel
- like hell
itching for those remote control moments
when i can change what you channel
i swear i'm getting grounded
i'll pick you up when it's possible

Sunday, January 3, 2016

Soak In The Sun

i question myself again, are these lessons purely in my head, i'm so sore it had to end. although as my fate was molded and handed over, of course the good times we're always bad. just so awful and sad. now they're calling me mad. i've failed a couple times over, it's subtle when i'm sober. it fades away, i ease the pain, then scream in vain everyday since i've changed ways. i rearrange the pawns, who staged this children's crusade, i'm willing to face this head on if you swear i can't lose. i would care to choose - self-sabotage, a shelf life and an atom bomb. a recipe for disaster, i recite the words much faster - you want me dead, yes you're in my head, thought i put this chapter to bed. it's a hassle my friend, but i appreciate you coming out, showing support, our glowing rapport, i know the sort of person you are. taking responsibility, and making a new me. i'm breaking too soon here, the fear you dangle, how you manage to make me angry. i took the blame, you mar the shame, these scars are faint when i'm gone. the bars i set drain my mind, i function 'til the end of time as is, sordid past, and a morning fast approaching. the time to win is closing quick and i'm not sure where to find it. i'm restless and i'm unwinding about to take a mindless approach, a vacation to soak in the sun.

Saturday, January 2, 2016

Reform Born In The Bottom Of The Ninth

in a stream of inappropriate dreams, you were there. i rested my highest hopes on your laurels, and i let you pay for a change while i prayed for a change.  nothing was the same and that came between us. i became incessant in getting us back together. i could retain my strength for a couple days, then my prototype of us frayed as you lashed out. but even your anger came to an end, the distance had flushed out anything desirable that might develop. i toasted my own efforts but stepped out of the running. my constant campaigning was endlessly failing, and for this i was responsible. i knew that in my heart, my head slowly followed. i swallowed my pride and tried feverishly to get you to void the botches our being together had carried out. when we walked out as a pair only one of us could wear the mask. this was troublesome. our camouflage had made us appealing to everyone looking in, but when we got back home we couldn't find where hope had run off too. i told you i'd find it, and that's when i left for a little. i began to believe the people who told me our journeys were separate. us trying to function as one was doomed, two innocent parties that were guilty of failure. it was a lot to handle.

and then you started in with the hyperboles and everything went sour. you referred to us as toxic, and you successfully sabotaged what little we had left. i had invested my remaining sanity in that little that was left though, it wasn't hardly right. my chest was on fire as our love burned out. i cried as i realized we were finished evolving. our survival was over, the end was imminent. i tried to provoke you to stay, and that was childish, and i apologize.

Friday, December 18, 2015

This Is How It Be

my diseased mind is seeming kind of hurt
all these doors that open and i just wanna keep em closed
when the pain flows through i think of you
and i call you bitch behind your back but straight to yer face
save this date, i'm movin' on from losing time, wasted, wasted on you
what's the kid to do?

i keep fresh, the death of us and i was hesitant to let you go
but hell its the best choice i've made, you materialized the serial lies i told myself
i could dwell in the open ocean for days, i could sell our curtain closing in a way you'd buy
it's all a lie, everything we see
i'm a product of my environment, this is how it be

they say "i've been where you are"
i'm like "show me the scar"
i never can believe the needs of other people plant the seeds for deeds that feed the demons eating my insides

everything but the lies. my mind is like the sky, its clouded. my highs are like a dye that's changing the tides of my imagination. but i said my goodbyes, now i bask in all these lacerations. it's fascinating how far you get while standing still.
thy will be done.

Saturday, December 12, 2015

All The Above

at a celebration of death, where we met, and i'll swear i fell in love with you then. i didn't even know your name, but that didn't really matter. i'll just tell you what did, matter. i could tell you had an interesting story, one that might not bore me. i wanted to hear it all, how you became you in a bunch of tiny moments that you strung together with broken hearts, and sobbing phone calls, roaring laughter, road trips and facial expressions for strangers. will you admit all your mistakes to me? can you tell me what keeps you going, it will become what keeps me going, this i'm sure of. and i'll give you that - i'm making all this up. but not the part where i fell in love.

but, when, after our initial meeting i saw you cry, i realized you were human. something you had every business doing. i have an inexplicable urge to destroy what little of myself remains after all these lonely nights spent writing about her, and that profound loss that intercepts every ounce of happiness i might have experienced. to be honest i'm not sure where i was going with this, just that when i look at you i know stability. i feel like i'm coming home, a place i haven't been since my early childhood took all semblance of love from four walls with a roof. i want to recreate that with you. when you told me about you and whats her name i nearly died. to what do i owe the pleasure? and i know you said forever once, but that is done and buried. and when you speak of that past - the one i can only imagine, there is no hint of doubt or regret in your voice or on your face. i'd like to be part of a story like that one day. suburban tales that ignite me and fuel my imagination. i'd play a role for you, and i'd be happy in doing so.

i'm not sure what it is about you, that makes me want to be someone who can make you smile. i started counting each and every time i have when we're together. and then we sat down to eat and you asked me why i was smiling, and i had no idea why - except that i was with you. you're the first time another person has been enough in a long while. i used to live off strangers and immediate family, never sure where i was standing. always treading through a muck of emotions, and just knowing that here wasn't right. i've since moved on from sleepless nights trying to harvest the best of me to serve up to someone else. i look back and wonder what i learned. i'm not sure where to go from here, how to tell you all the above.

Thursday, December 10, 2015

The Speed Of Light

when a girl tells you to kiss her, you kiss her.

and so i did, but oh what i missed. a list of lip locked emotions just floating in the air, you silently shouted i'm grasping at straws. then a roar of quiet, and i'm thinking...i'm sorry, but her smile was golden, her hair like an ocean. emitting love like a potion, i'm certain the curtain is closing on us, our robust hearts, we're perfect a flush, we follow suit and we;re just in time. we were about to fold? oh, no. i'll hang on if you never let go. although a distance feels fitting, you in this place of position where i could keep you off limits. these small snare traps i set to catch the pieces of you that run from me. i summon them but you keep them on a short leash and behind a brick wall. i can see past all your past troubles, you never place them in today and for that i am grateful. the example, you set it, where i first remembered our pasts can be trampled and left in the dust, mine had been a constant companion gaining rust. when i look in your eyes i see so much, but they're not plastered with hurt like everyone else i know. and that's what i write home about. don't be nervous my family will love you. yes that is a strong word i explain to my spanish friend. the powerless words i use to describe fear, they're making my hands itch, and my mind can't resist - it follows my hands. i told everyone this was my last stand, believing it was my last chance. the rules you set, i was such a fool to accept, but i did, now i live with it. this irish catholic motion sickness i never grew into. my mind moves a mile a minute, how do you ever catch up with the speed of light?

the first line, the most poignant i've ever written, they don't diminish when i remember they're about you.

Friday, December 4, 2015

Truth Be Told

the divinity in your eyes, it kept me hypnotized. i kept shaking my head but you waited and said "lets plunge into this together". it was the last word that shouldered the burden and shook the ground i stood on wide open. we - misunderstood, would figure it out as one. never for a single second did i get to stressing on what we might become - what i might have done differently, lives within me. i try and address it, my therapist says its best if i forgive you, i ask if that's a test i'm supposed to live through? she who always guessed best on what i would do next, knew i'd get reckless when i witnessed my youth,

leaving with you.

it's been a bunch of years to where when i say "i love you" it's like you're my cousin. this is what i dreaded when we ended it. all the second chances passed, now i see i'll have to last and build and grow without you. i still cast your image in the snow and watch it melt. i swear i'm on my best behavior, to be tested by my savior, i won't wager but this favor you're doing me helps. it helps my whole heart. and i felt everything in me win back it's dignity. i tackle my sins every Sunday and in someway i know it helps, and i forgive you and i forgive myself for having dealt with you so poorly, i felt i needed more of me, so there was less for you, i guess it's true - hindsight is 20/20 - and with you in my light i just pray you don't

forget me.

it helps.

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Rediscover What You Can

i almost always let you win. they tell me to put the past behind me, instead i commend mine on it's unrelenting obsession with being seen daily. now i'm fairly new to all this spoken word of actively trying to recover. for years my escape was my cover. only it was draped with a lover. and maybe in a parallel universe, for its much too soon here on earth, my hand is held by you. my close by lover with connections beyond the physical, it's the mystical element you bring to mind - your hand in mine. but here on earth you're usurped by my greatest life challenge. and oh how i need you more than this substance that has no place if i were to recover. and now at a distance you still smother, quite the actress, the fact is i can't live without you, just a canopy and our love is lost in time. and what frame of mind do we use to rediscover our youth. the question that came before the times changed for me. but this time a new perspective reigned me in. so, to languish in these evils like a fine dish of china being thrown against the brick and wondering if you can pick up all the pieces and get it back together. that's insanity, can you not remember? these repetitions i hated and salivated when i knew they would happen, it's like a fire you can't douse in water and put out.

and when the phone rings, i feel determined, i almost will it to be you. a will i'd like to lose, so hard to swallow that pill. i say aloud give me freedom to choose a person who i'm certain will love me for a lifetime, a lifeline.

Sunday, November 22, 2015

Feeling The Difference

i'm eating this banana and i think of you, growing up fro the roots but releasing fruit. the danger i always stayed away from, so one day when i came home you told me you threw all the evidence in the bottom of the pool. i was never a strong swimmer, and now it was winter. all these catch 22s you put me through. almost all my love was a product of you outsmarting me. and the people passing swore our love was in a casket, but i objected - of course we had moments of resentment, but we had more tokens of affection, our feelings weren't cloaked in apprehension.

and what is holy matrimony but a whole big tax bonus? will a ring on a finger really bring you to linger - good times or bad? well isn't that the promise they made? i just want a promise you'll stay for as long as we're happy this way. it doesn't have to be in front of god or certified, and when it's no longer worth your time i won't curse the course of our relationship, i'll get lost in the times i felt the difference.

Thursday, November 19, 2015

I'm Still Learning But I Never Thought You'd Be Another Lesson

my heart has been bursting from years of rejection, you were an unexpected drop in the bucket. a bubble bursting, and i'm only human and so i admit i'm hurting. i'm not sure what it was that i thought made you different, maybe because you listened. everything i shared with you, i'll never get it back, its yours to keep, and i feel less for it. another episode from this hectic life, still unexpected the hurt you caused as i called you wife. of course i've misspoken, the truth is that you absorbed exactly what you wanted, but when you felt the tide pulling you out thats when you shut down and shut me out. and again i'm blindsided by this universal evil of leaning on people i only think i know. or maybe i know in a couple moments, ones where i'm convinced they're the hope i need to rely on, to cope and get by with. but the truth is, i'm the headless horseman and i let you course through my veins, i thought it would cause less pain than the slander i was selling myself. but it hurts much worse. more than i honestly thought it would or could. you've stained all the relationships i thought i had built. you rained on the parade i held for my youth. and complained when i only told you the truth.

Friday, July 3, 2015

I Remember Things As They Were

what sort of person openly passes up love to get schooled with a fresh new face that came out out of no where/ i would have never known except for the picture in the corner on the page i couldn't turn/ i always had a sub par benign and dastardly outlook on love/ a life that wasn't far from my cynical explosions/ mass social sex appeal and the last coach my ex would steal/ heal? how could it when i never signed the deposition, i lined my mind with recognition of your features/ the less than fiction idea that we just might reunite/ a sight with me, you, the night/ the torture chamber you refer to as our relationship has wicked dips and dives/ catching my breath to stay alive/ and you thrive off my despair and have not a single qualm to dive off into the shallow waters where your only remaining knowledge of me exists/ lovely heartache on the brink of a revolution/ one that will sink the "new school/ you're complicated and opinionated, it's a win-win when we're dating/ my sins that leave me caving/ they're what keep you operating/ lopsided situations where we wish we didn't find ourselves/ it's that kind of hurt that's left me feeble and unbalanced/ and you're just evil and callus/

Saturday, June 20, 2015

I Miss You (Fucked Up Remix)

we're sitting on the bed, and you repeat what i just said, oh something about the one, and hun do i think that's what you might become. you unknowingly tripped me up and pushed me back to my past. i start recalling offhand remarks that my grandmother made. my second great loss in life and afterward for a long while she was frequently pulling the strings that play at my heart. my first great loss was my father, his life ended on an ordinary day, in an ordinary way. and i start thinking more about the shape of my heart, and how it's become disfigured but insurmountable. i think of all the ways i was changed in childhood, for all the ordinary mediocre days - what had really stayed.

maybe it's not what you take to the grave, but what takes you to the grave.

i hadn't thought twice about losing my life, that is until i reached deep within and realized that there is more to me than what i've implemented the last couple years. out of sheer and naked fear i talked myself up a ledge. and that probably sounds peculiar and warped. but it was from there that i saw the most amazing view, i saw all the happenings, i saw everything i longed for. and i guess i knew deep in my heart, although at the time i wouldn't admit it, that you were there too. You. i have always ached for you to capitalize on my life. that's all i want, is to give you my presence. i had a way of drowning out your loneliness, that only i noticed how profoundly sad you really were. and you would never admit it, and you didn't, but i eased some of the pressure.

then again, with the whole world watching, i invaded you're life, and only now, when you've had to do without are you really hurting. in the past i was always still behind you, close by lurking. but now life has blown up and i'm busy. you kept yelling at me to do something with myself, and i went and did just that. i wish i could come around again with my cape and convince you in a minute how great everything is going to be. but i have bills to pay, and calls to make, buses to catch, and budgets to meet. and i'm not sure where or when your place in my life became almost unnoticed, but i can barely hear you.

i would have taken care of you for the rest of my life, but you walked away for the last time. and today i keep the promises i make to myself. but one last proverbial mention of your allusiveness that makes me a sure bet.  i'll be seeing you again. maybe i should spell it out for myself because i'm so slammed shut on the issue. there can't be a gray area. and yet it's here in my heart. whenever i come close to moving on, dusting myself off, and doing without you, instead i turn my head around to face the past where i privately admit i'm not sure how tall i can feel again.  the despair we brought each other might fade - i can only hope.

The Beast That Brought Cake To Our Going Away Party

you hate these socks i'm wearing, you just told me "they make your feet stink worse". and the fallen angel in the backyard is watching with outstretched arms, and i can't physically see her, but i know she's there. the last landmark from my past that makes the aches in my heart almost explode. and if it ever did explode a thousand butterflies would flutter out and fall to the ground. each one desperately trying to take off, get off the ground - but their wings are too weak and the gravity seems to be pulling in an usually profound way. i'm still not sure if it's just me or it's all a bad dream. but the fact that you woke up ages ago and walked out, which is an odd way to put it since i'm the one who actually moved, you stayed right where you were - still are. but i'm the one emotionally stalled on all fours crawling towards the faintest scent of how i remember you. the bearer of bad news, you had the paper in hand and read me all the obituaries, but you didn't mention was your intention to get my name there within the following weeks. the sheath you used to blind all my senses, it was kind of relentless, in my mind it was our connection - i called it love. you always knew better, more than me. you could predict the future with your crystal ball and tarot cards. and when you pulled the high priestess and the tower you saw weakness and me cower, i saw jesus with a flower in his hair. the sins we hold together are rabid enough in their own right, savage in cuffs on a lonely night.

Friday, May 15, 2015

Grace On The Internet

i met grace on the internet. not in the traditional sense, because there is a traditional way to meet people over the internet which includes the likes of a or maybe if you're really edgy - or just need a good laugh - the craigslist personals, but no this wasn't like that. we were mutual friends with a jane doe on facebook. sometime in august of last year jane changed her phone number, and to let everyone know like a responsible adult, she listed her new number and tagged a bunch of her friends in the post. for some reasons, unknown to me, the comments sections ended up bursting into flames of humor and such. i wonder if anyone knows the science behind that anyhow, why certain posts have like thirty nine comments, and you know when you see that shit on one of your posts you're proud of yourself.  anyway i joined in on the comments with my own flat out ridiculously funny humor that floors you and leaves you suffocating in laughter.

grace liked my comment.

to be honest, i was trolling, as i often do on facebook because i take nothing serious, at the top of the list of things i can't take serious are myself, other people, and other peoples' opinions of myself.

grace liked my comment.

now i had to know who she was, so immediately after i got the notification i clicked on the link to her profile. i studied her profile over the course of about a week, slowly working up the courage to private message her and then simply take it from there. however, i was easily intimidated by the little snippits of her profile that i could view (facebook has several options for privacy, hers seemed less like maximum security prison status and more like an i-don't-care-what-potential-future-employers-see-on-here, which i liked already) and didn't know what the heck i'd say in a private message. facebook has added a new little feature where you can "ask" people certain personal information that they don't have listed but might share with you if you just, well, ask.

so i had this ah-ha moment where i thought i'd skip the whole private message thing where i'd have to articulate and formulate words in a coherent manner at the very least, but all the time praying that i could painstakingly forge a path that would allow me to ask for her number to which she would respond yes, you should have asked ages ago. i could skip all this because when i clicked the about section of her profile there it was, a link "Ask for Grace's phone number". i thought i had my out. i held my breath for a moment, the mouse resting in my sweaty hand knowing the little amount of pressure i would have to exert to click the link. i exhaled and clicked it. then came the what the fuck moment. i had to ask her why i was asking her for her fucking phone number. what. the. fuck. ( i never understood why. people. do. that. but i think it helps explore the seriousness of this offense facebook has clearly made). so frankly i was back at square one, but to some extent i was at like square eight since at least i was cutting out some bullshit, i was letting grace know that i wanted to hear her voice, she had to know i was interested in her as more than a friend, because i was asking for her number.

i dont remember exactly what i said, but it worked. she called me sweetie as we private messaged for a little bit where she ended up asking for my number. she immediately called me and we talked for over an hour until i realized i was tired and needed rest. later on in our relationship she admitted this to be something of a faux pas on my end, and it wasn't the first time my weary and fatigued mind/body would get me in trouble with a perspective partner.

anyhow i went to bed thinking grace was witty and self-deprecating and as close to perfect as i could establish in a little over an hour. a part of me sincerely felt as if i had just spoken with the girl of my dreams.

i believe in fate, and if you don't good for you, we'll just call it coincidence. the next day we ran into each other as luck would have it. mostly my luck because she was way out of my league and i'm staggering through life trying to figure out what's really good though, haha.

anyway, i fell in love, well sorta. she back stabbed me the first chance she got and she stays in my life because i can't imagine it now without her.

Sunday, February 1, 2015

I'll Finish This Idea At Another Time

what are you going to do when the sky falls, your insides come out, and the lies you've been telling reveal themselves.

the real pain for feels sake.

i sit in the shallowest valley and try and kick a few chickens out the coop on up to you. hell, they'll survive, and there's nothing else to do. i'm wired, to tell you have to respond to a series of questions i was coached to ask you. the coach, a soul who lives inside me and prepares my most daring and brilliant ideas. if alone to my own devices the only ideas i'd have would be dainty and laced with ridicule from their creator.

yes of course these ideas still exist, they live deep in the pit of my stomach, where i sometimes wonder if, coachless, i'd have an easier time making out some sort of form of happiness. it is this very thought that makes me nostalgic of a decade ago when everything seemed hard, but was in fact so simple i did it all with eyes closed and without a word said. today this is only half of my problem. a staple of my aging process, the one that screeched to a halt merely weeks after it had begun. at times i'm conflicted with a short list of grievances that i can't come to terms with. i have taken them head on, battled them with my entire arsenal, tried passing them off to another.

and even though at most times i'm aware that their strength is only as much as i let on, they still fade in and out. whether they are looking for a fight, or just lurking about the hurt they let onset is unmatched in my lifetime.

Thursday, October 2, 2014

I'm Crazy Cause That's How You Made Me

that beautiful bayonet that you kept under the bed, you never got how much it said. it rested there easy, while i toiled empty, and you, you took perfection to the next level. that silly song you used to sing, and bust a move to - it's rusted and ruined. those flashes of brilliance that we shared, now the mortgage is in arrears. i spent my time being way behind, and it took two years, but you finally put me out. and all these fillers that replaced you on my speed dial, they do for a while. but sometimes i'll simply take a step back and lay flat and stare up, and become all the more aware of the concrete truth.

i miss you.

and i could write a thousand pages dedicated to you, or merely call you up at work and remind you just how real i actually am. but now i've invested in a life worth living, i have misgivings. ones about chasing you and facing you, because last time you spoke to me it was clear you finally, once and for all, had the facts. the facts bring me to tears. and i think of you with your circus of emotions and flagrant disregard for my well being, a disdain for all that was undoubtedly at the core of me. you cast all my mistakes in stone, set up a throne, where nightly i'd bow down and beg and repent. and while i was busy reliving all the poetic mistakes i'd made, you'd do anything but participate.

and, i still miss you.

you, the miyagi of manipulation, the bear claws of hatred, the monumental virgin mary with a wicked stare, the vine of life choking out mine,

to me, the stubborn baby i just wanted to cradle.

i have to fine tune my heart and train it to stop with this. i can't miss you. i'm just paralyzed with fear that my heart will stop working without you pumping the blood.

Saturday, August 30, 2014

_______ ________ "Forgot About Us"

i had to find you. i went to your job and saw your friend. i had always pictured her to be less like you than you made it seem. you two could be sisters. i asked if she'd seen you and her face went blank, expressionless. she wasn't expecting me - i always lacked the capacity to show up must be what you showed her. she told me she wasn't supposed to talk to me and next i expected a but...

she walked right past me to her car and never gave me so much as a second look. i wasn't close to disgruntled yet it was my first attempt. i beelined for the bank near your job. there i saw you candidly in line. for all the things we did together bank errands wasn't one of them. i grabbed your shoulder and you turned but it was a total stranger. i was beginning to unravel, this is where i left you, where have you wandered off to. i started scouring the neighborhood, i recognized a couple people that could recognize you, and they told me you were out by the hills. you weren't alone.

i cut through this office and overheard a lady say "i can leave whenever i want". i thought how bitter, who is she trying to convince, as if her words would cut away the imaginary bars that leave her drowning in an isolated island of responsibility. i also thought - how profoundly true, but she's nothing special, we all can. leave.

when i got outside it was raining, i saw two girls entertaining the rain. inspired i started jumping up and stomping my feet down in a series of puddles. it felt like i wanted to drain them, dry them up, and leave them empty. i don't know what came over me because i end up laying in a polluted puddle feeling baptized in the most impure of waters. and the feeling flooded me that there could be moments where i could simultaneously pull off happiness and life without you.

next thing i know your friend is driving us and i'm in the back seat unbuckled. i feel like i'm flailing but i can't even make out the motions of my body. i'm pleading with you to come back home, that i can contact the keeper of your heart. i'll make an arrangement and get it back. i'm yearning for a fourth last chance. i don't remember anything you say except "i forgot about us". right then and there i pulled a page from my notebook and ripped off a corner with just enough room to right your first and last name, and below it "forgot about us". i put it in my pocket and whenever i start to go down that road i pull it out and remember why i can't.

Thursday, August 14, 2014

I'll Toil While You Take

all that paranoia that did me no good, didn't prepare me for what you would. memories that surpassed happiness roared in my mind, to let it all go, this need to unwind. all the time invested, and it seems that you left with everything good, stuff i should have took. my days feel numbered, i forget my name and age, the downfall of us is we were never on the same page. and in the back of my mind this heavy thought took president, over damn near everything. but your face it changed from what i remember, the serpent slipped out of your skin, and into the wind, i inhaled it. this broken me that still longs for a perfect you, a direct hit to my heart, the heart that is only now still beating from self medication and rigged with valves that don't belong to me. ones i took from past lovers and friends, they transcend anything i was born with. and stories that i remember from my youth. how i thought every motorcyclist was waving to me, and then it came to my attention they were just changing lanes. an allegory for us. can't you see it, can you understand. after the first two weeks, and with nothing panning out i called in a favor to an ex butcher in lieu of the taxadermist having moved down state for the warmed and more pleasurable weather. anyway, i asked the butcher to go easy on my manifest of reckless endeavors. i stepped in them willingly and stayed in. and without a fight the butcher gave me three rounds in the ring, a loss by knockout he insisted would be the best outcome. i must have looked just insane enough, because not having been raised tough he gave me the second consideration, the one you wouldn't. and when he sized up the organ, marking it gory with the magic marker, i saw just how battle tested my heart had been. the headlining act of my mortal self, i finally saw what i have done to it, that crippling effect i seem to have on anything reaching out for my survival.

Sunday, April 6, 2014

But You Do

it's funny sometimes what you remember. these people who pass through our lives, but they don't come out on the other side with you. and it's all a serene bad dream, a horrid joke with a missing punch line and you're not sure when to laugh or why anyone else is. and sure you leave adolescence behind but you never expected it to be so far gone. changes that become the make up of your new self. the one who has regrets and mistakes not worth mentioning because when you do you set yourself back about a year. and i hear about what you're up to now, with out me. and i always knew when we were together that this was all in passing. that you would walk out on me, and it was in those moments when i thought i'd never recover from you that i actually grew out of all the simplicity that kept me happy. and i think about you often, probably more than i should. and sometimes i imagine that you'll surprise me with a visit, cause you know exactly where to find me. and i'm not really too sure what started all of this, some pain that began escaping through the cracks of my heart and soul. i tried feverishly to cover it all up, thinking that if anyone saw i'd end up feeling even more alone. however, it all backfired when i mistakenly used an escape that i downplayed the dangers of. and years later i haven't ever gotten past what happened to you, and where you went. and while the sound of moving forward plays emphatically in my mind the choir is singing a terribly different tune. all these keepsakes that i kept from our time together are fading and they're expressionless, it makes me overwhelmed with sadness that my memories are dwindling. i know that if i give it another ten years of surviving with out you i'll probably forget everything you wanted so badly for me to remember. and i'm sorry, if i saw you i'd apologize because i know i'd probably be your biggest let down if you were still here to see me. and i try so hard to stay living at a pace i know i can be comfortable with, and there's not enough time to be angry and sad, and yet i still squeeze it all in. crouching behind every moment i can remember you in is this faint idea that i almost never had you. it was so scarce, the times we had together. and everything after was so much less desirable, left crying until my face was red and the taste of dead tears filled my stomach and made me nauseous, and you faded more with every passing sleepless night. all i inherited, what you left me with, became somewhat unmemorable. and while i miss you it's only now that i'm not sure what that even means, what lies within my carnival of emotions, where i go to find you. what it comes down to is my inability to breach this contract i made with a vulnerable self, so low i lost sight of the potential that swelled the future that was going to be mine. i took for granted all the love that was still out there for me, and focused on all the love i had lost. and when all i really needed was a hand from the right person, instead i got support from people incapable of realizing i was headed toward an implosion that would resurrect every minute and massive detail that created every misgiving i had ever experienced. and when it all finally bubbled to the surface my heart exploded and i could no longer look anyone in the eye without wondering what they had been through, and when they lost themselves. i only saw sadness, it crept into everything, and even the most beautiful memories got lost. i wanted to go looking for them, but even more so i wanted them to wind up on my doorstep or in some spot where i couldn't miss them for the life of me. the fight in me was gone now and everything, even the most simple tasks seem unfathomable and what i would give to reconcile with a much younger and more forgiving me. the impossible task of pushing forward and paving my way from a bottomless pit of grave helplessness to something resembling complacency. and i guarantee you that when i get there, because i most certainly will, that is where you'll be. the whole time, you were on the other side, and the patience you exhibited would be the first breath of fresh air i'll ever feel. in a world once bare and grey, you'd greet me at the door to the other side, the one where you knew i'd find my way to, even if it meant a painstaking journey where i had little to be devoted to. and i began to see you again, and the ardent union meant i was no longer losing. had i not found you, my darling, i'm not quite sure where i'd be, but rest assured beautiful you're the most plausible person and i am certain that my love is what i must let lead me. the second i begin doubting what we found together i sequester myself, my backbone becomes soft and i cost myself another series of awful and endless months where i'm caught up in a graphic and bleak sadness that hoovers, breathing down my neck, gathering ammunition that it uses to make my heart go missing. off the grid where i become a lone ranger searching for promises that i know will make me whole again. and it's nothing against that anger and resentment that resides in the pit of my heart, but i could do without it, and on any given day it decides to play an instrumental role in breaking me down, and forsaking the ground i walk upon. but it's up to me to never let that happen again.

but thank god for you. and the love you have for me. every night i spend in your arms coincides with every ounce of happiness that runs through my veins. and it's all a big riddle to me, why you have this tremendous effect on my mood, but you do.

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

The Past Looks Better The Further You Are From It

i woke up uninhibited by all the bad i have walked past. and it's the same angel i dream of that summons me in the early morning daze. she softly speaks to me about her needs, and why mine are to be dismissed. she reminds me that i rely on her, it comes off kind of her even though she's belittling my desires. she does so though in the most romantic of ways, a gesture that feels like a caress. her words rub my back and they place my hand in hers. comfort that grows exponentially, and my head soon sides with the rest of me. she warns, the backdrop of my life has come out of necessity, thus leaving me empty. the routines that i've adopted we're chosen while i was backed into a corner, mediocrity swarming. my angel tells me draw the curtains, allow the outside to prey upon your every inch, stay in line with the scorching sun and let the heat expand your views and belief. then suddenly she looks around her and her graceful voice rises an octave all filled with promise.  plump and risen her words come out and as they do they're written across all the walls in the room, god told her i can see without my eyes, just take off the disguise, the memories are lies. a thousand other peacekeeping sentences came out along with those, and i race to keep them all close. and what she had spoke was set to be my bible, walking stick, and outlet. no doubt, i just woke up.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Visits At Your Grave

i parade the flesh of an old dear friend. then you come to me in my head.
and even when they claimed you dead, and lowered you into the ground, i knew you were close, around.
the spectators are screaming and they appear panicked, but i know deep down they wish they were participants. oh! they think it ridiculous? i might appear uncivil with the skin, as it's waving in the wind. i swear we were of kin.
and now i'm not sure what this is all for. i thought if i reminisced with the organ i remembered most, it'd be something you'd jump in, and we could hug uninterrupted for minutes on end. oh! that skin is my friend!
the presentation is something i've been wishing ever since i distanced myself from the colonies of people who frequent their library of emotions on an everyday basis. oh! i'm the craziest?
and who am i to stand alone, lifting my head when only i heard - you.
people reacted were wavering, their very pieces coming undone. some would melt in the sun, break from the fun, my head filled with delirium,
the fever i'm running has gotten so high, although the degrees mean nothing to me, i'm having some trouble. and there you are ahead, and the skin i was holding is now unfolding in front of me. it's you i see.
and suddenly i'm not so troubled, and  you come running, and we land in an embrace.
oh! your face! this was not the mistake they all claimed it would be. it's the best i've felt, we're back together, the way i remember.
i'm so happy, i'm bouncing, aroused again by you. the years that have passed feel like nothing.
i stepped through a time warp, a lesson in fine art. oh! nothing could keep us apart?
now, since there is no catching up to do, we lay in the grass. my head in your lap, and i look up at you, and for once i know exactly what to do.
but you're becoming faint, glistening in the sun, i know you'll go missing. oh! the love!
but before you're gone, i have to let you know, how devastated i am that you'll go.
and something i never expected, you tear up, and look me straight in the eye, it's like i'm waiting to die, not you.
and the words come loose - "when on your knees, and i'm not there, take a stand
and instead of grappling with your feelings, accept that maybe you're healing,
let my memory go. let the mesmerizing thought of me not ending, escape. it's an impossibility, we knew it'd be - oh! only temporary!"

Friday, February 7, 2014

The Horizon Stands Alone

standing upon my deck made of distress, i look out at the yard, covered with white. and the farther i look out the more grey it becomes. and if you pulled up those oak planks that make the deck you'd find at least fifty corpses. ones of love, friendship, the briefly acquainted, the souls who dropped when they caught a glimpse of the future laid in front me (something i can't ever see because i'm within it, and the passage is dark so only those far enough away can shed some light upon it). however, there are also ones that belong, the beasts, and domineering, the radical engineer who stole a heart that was so close to me, i thought it belonged. the damnation they must feel is something i can't fathom, and when i set out to the find the god i believe in, i'm sure that's the first thing i'll ask. why do some us have to spend such time suffering?

back on the deck and the cedar is unfinished. unprotected from the elements, i can relate to that. and it's all quite like the book i'm currently rehearsing. the lines etched in my mind, they come out at unpleasant times, i need to reschedule the mind. and blink ahead in my eyes.  a practice that no longer is preached, i reach out for my memories and they grab back. the past that i allowed to consume my present,  the one who acted as my co conspirator for all the grief stashed away. and it might create a certain scene in ones mind, me standing upon my enemies, i acted willfully. don't let it fool you, a picture paints 1,000 words, but not this time. and yes you can argue perspective, but i don't have access to yours.

and there is no perfect horizon - like the one i imagine miles away in the midwest. flatland could do such justice to what i'm feeling versus what i'm acting out. my horizon is hiding behind houses, and trees mainly. but there is the occasional outlandish, gigantic sort of heartbreak that smears the horizon, and lets it fade what should be close to perfect. i reach out and draw the imaginary line with my finger. what-should-be has ruined a lot of my opportune ventures. the blurred lines between the sky and the ground make everything a bit more surreal. it often leads to a sort of state of confusion on my part where i have these mishaps where while at my destination i'm unaware of the steps i took to get there. or i take a count twice, and still can't come up with a number. these steps and numbers are minuscule but the mere fact that this happens concerns me. then i forget. i've turned to writing things down, small notes. then people ask me what they mean, but i haven't the slightest clue. something about a cover up. is it criminal or exposure. do i need to call the station and tell them what i know? would i turn myself in for all the crimes i commit, or just the ones that haunt my daily life, the ones i remember, that leave me dismayed and buried in dilemma. catching up with myself is weekly task, i tend to rewrite the history books and add some pomp where it never belonged. and a tackle box that i repeatedly tell people i go fishing with, the solitude does me worlds of wonderful god-like goodness, and i suggest to them they try it out. solitude becomes more socially acceptable if you're terrorizing fish in the process.

Sunday, February 2, 2014

The Flat Minds Who Passerby

   i minded my business for so long, i've forgotten how to approach you. and i imagine you're still the same but as soon as i'm close enough to get a look i'm scared and i back off. yes, i know you say it everyday i betrayed your trust, but i'm truly sorry, and when will that be enough. you know it's nothing i can make up. or take back.  i've spent a year trying to make it up to you and i've gotten no where. and someone said to me the other day that people don't leave where they're loved and now i wonder if that's why you've stuck around. i'm just a thorn in your side, but i love you, and maybe you've grown used to the pain. i ask for more though. i want more. let me see you when you're vulnerable, it's been so long. i wiped away a hundred tears, but it never mattered because i brought them all on. those tears that i founded, and i can't express how much it hurt me to see them. and maybe everything with us has always been too real, and maybe its time to let go, but neither of us have prepared, and so we're stuck in a sticky sort of purgatory. it's only a matter of time before one of us stumbles upon something we're willing to walk away for. it might not even be better, just new and overflowing with promise and possibility. and it might wreck us individually because we invested so much that we had nothing left on an independent level. is that what broke us down? i mean up? will you ever be mine again?

     when we're in the same room, nothing can keep me away from you. and yet, during our time together there were these unexplainable transgressions on my part where i lost the ability to see what was right in front of me. you held me so close and tight until i broke loose for minutes we can never get back, the ones where the mistakes i made take place. and from your point of view they stained everything that came before, and everything to come. i took up walking, the fresh air did me good, but mostly i couldn't stand to be in the room that i lost you in. at least the one where i physically felt you give up. the rust shattered, and the pictures all fell. the momentum of your letting go proved so spontaneous and blunt, that i never stood a chance at understanding. and i'm not sure if any of what i'm about to say is true but for me, at that moment (the one where i lost everything) you gained enough to find things that you never even thought to look for. i turned into a shadow, cast by you, yet overlooked and left alone. my heart ached and i prayed that you could once again cast a light on me and and use it to stop seeing all the horrific things i did to hurt you. i feel the punishment has had its place in the back of my head, where its taken up residence, and it lacks gratitude in its stay there. but who am i to send it out on it's own. and we're both so sincerely feeble, but i force us out to the front yard, and it's there where we start playing double dutch. it's hard with only the two of us, but we're determined and tie the rope to the ugliest tree in the yard. and everyone walking the block has a misguided judgement about us being immature and cozy, complacent. what they don't know is everytime the rope passes by our faces we take in a misfortune, then we spit it out. and the turns of the rope take forever for us. we want to reach out and stop the game, but we're buried with guilt and the spectacle helps.
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