I Just Don't Know Anymore

my mom always tells this story about how when i was a kid my family would go on vacation, and they'd leave me behind. i was too young. she said i would stare out the window hysterically crying, watching them leave. wishing they'd turn back towards home and take me with them. hoping maybe it was all a sick joke - them leaving me behind.

a part of me still feels like that little kid.
wondering where everyone went.
hoping they'll come back for me.

Number 27

i was sitting on the train and as the conductor passed through the aisle he told me to smile and even went as far to make this motion with his two hands where he traced out the shape of a smile. i was just thinking about the merits of my actions as of late and what's to become of me.

i thought about my dad, and what he would think about me. i used to focus on making him posthumously proud, and for a while i believe i had it nipped in the bud. well maybe the jig is up. what i remember most about my father was his wild sense of humor and his charismatic nature. he was down to earth, and had a real grasp on the fruits of life and how to find them. before he died i'd like to think he was teaching me how to live like he did. happy and satisfied. unfortunately for the both of us he never got around to finishing up the task and so i was left to interpret and fend for myself.

my mother is a miracle and i love her, but the old man had a way of making me feel like i could conquer all of asia and most of europe in a lifetime. and anyway i left the train thinking that it's still within me, somewhere. that feeling. and if the yankees stomp out their world series opponent i might just recapture some of that valiance thats in the depths of my being.

Flushing Out My Childhood

i wish i could still grow 3 inches in a year. and actually make it to a doctor when i'm sick. someone tells me "i haven't seen you since you were a baby", i smile and act polite - no hard feelings. when did it end?

spray myself with the hose then jump in the pool. ride in the way back of my moms station wagon and harass all other motorists. carefree and mischievous. death was for suckers, and risk was never evaluated.

this is what revisiting kool-aid will do to you =/

My New Haircut

well, i've been meaning to blog about my haircut for a while now. of course people get haircuts, it's nothing new or special, and i'm not at all trying to impress you with proof i do keep up with my grooming. rather, i've done the unthinkable and cut all my hair off and dyed it blond. it's been less than two months, but i feel as if this could be 3 separate blog entries. but it wont be because that would bore most i believe. i want to first introduce you to my hair prior to the cut: it was brown, long and curly and i almost never brushed it. people compared it to jesus and real (as in a real chance of love, for those who know it). but today my hair is about two inches short at its longest point and its dyed blond. the type of blond that works in no way to conceal the fact you got it dyed. i'm happy with it though. because its easy. and simple.

now one can't undergo such a dramatic change without getting peoples opinions thrust upon them. and i'm okay with that. and i happen to find humor in it. the way people word things. somethings i've heard:

"don't worry it will grow back"
"oh it really doesn't look that bad"

i wasn't worried.

the next thing is the question of why i did this, or what "made" me do this. as if i couldn't just of wanted to do it. so, what caused me to change my hair like this after rocking the same style for years? i tell people my sister and my friend told me to. which is a half truth because i also decided to do it because that day i was thinking i needed a haircut, and my friend a couple hours later noted the same thing. and well i believe in signs so i saw no reason not to give in to their request. and people seem content with that answer, but i can't help but think after hearing it for the twenty-something time that what they really want me to say is that i had the balls to do it, and i really didn't care what people were gonna think. it's almost like they know when it comes down to it that's what gave me the ability to grant my hair such an astonishing change of style.

and the last thing, and this is cute, is that i thought this hair would make me look older. i'm 20, but look about 15. in fact someone working at the movie theater once looked at me and said "wait, you're over 11 right?" but the other day at work a customer had her daughter with her. and the daughter is probably 7 or 8 and shes staring at me and finally looks at her mom and says "isn't she a little young to be working here?"

i almost died, but i felt youthful.