Peach Flavored Yogart

yesterday i threw a carton, if that's what you call it, of activia yogurt out the window of my car and after the explosion i loved watching the extra-light orange color canvas itself over the black pavement. it really was the most beautiful thing i've seen in a while.

it turns out no one wants to hear your sadness. or even wants to see it. or acknowledge it. or try and help you through it. although my ex-bff offered me her prozac script. that HAS to count for something...anything?

and i'm a fraction of what i thought i'd be today
caught in the worst jag so i grab my keys race for the car
burning out and i was never that bright to begin with
getting ready, making progress, hands are steady
feeling my flesh burning up from the fear i torched
at the impossibility of being any more scattered
you come along and blow about the debris of me

The Fourth Of July

the Fourth of July is supposed to be about independence, and that's what i intend to make it about. two days from now i will leave, and i won't turn back. of course i'll have to skip out on all those parties i wasn't invited to. but screw getting drunk for once - i do that everyday anyway, it's time to celebrate the holiday that celebrates the day in history this great country was established.



i will be going alone. i did invite a few people - 4 to be exact (erin, mo, jack and caitlin[in that order]) but everyone had plans so my destiny was created.

1. Erin had a Fourth of July party she mustn't miss
2. Mo had work and money that needs to be made.
3. Jack had a dentist appointment scheduled for Monday.
4. Caitlin had previous plans to hang with her family.


as i formed the plan i believed it might even fall apart, that i might chicken out and opt instead to do what most of you will be doing this Saturday. but i saw the sign, or rather heard the song i saw the sign and i realized that for me to emulate my own personal hero Alexander Supertramp, i must leave with, or without company.

i've packed a few changes of clothes, my longboard, a sleeping bag and several classic novels as well as two maps. one of the east coast, and one of d.c. - my destination. i just need to pick up a few disposable cameras, some progresso soup, and maybe a shitload of water.

i hope this goes as well as i think it's gonna.

Weathering The Storm

me and my friend mo sat in my car parked in my driveway. she told me the left side of my house looked more fall-ish, and the right side looked more spring-ish. mo was in the drivers seat, wearing a long sleeve dark gray shirt looking at home with her fall-ish backdrop. and i with a yellow softball tee looking rather dapper and ready to jump out on the spring side of the house. it's funny how the weather affects us, me and mo. we were just two people moving at a different pace, but reaching towards the same goal, summer. all that aside, i enjoy mo's company. we share alot of common beliefs, like getting high a lot and not trying too hard. she'd probably be pissed that i said that. i bet in her opinion we try really hard and have overcome "obstacles"-meh. but the real bottom line is she can put up with my antics like no other. like when i call her place of employment drunk and knowingly force a restaurant wide announcement calling her to the phone, eventually causing mo to think the unthinkable: there was a death. haha my sister said no wonder she wasn't pissed, she was relieved no one died. or how when she would incessantly ask me to stop slamming her car door, and no matter how hard i tried to remember not to forget i would. and don't' get me wrong, she isn't exactly mother theresa so she'd be pissed, but mo would still put up with it uhhh i mean me. i also piss her off when i sit at stop signs for too long, or don't go at green lights because i don't feel ready. i know it bothers her so i try not to.

also, my sister is extremely paranoid i'm going to start blogging about her. so folks, just a mere second ago her toothpicks fell and she fell to the floor after them and screamed "not my toothpicks, let us just pretend this didn't happen" and then becoming aware of the situation and me at the computer she looked up all nervous and added "oh please don't blog about this". she's 23 and 2 months with extra baggage, get at me if you want the digits. woop woop.

p.s. thats a picture of mo i obamaized.

Looking Older All The Time, Feeling Younger In My Mind

oh man.

last night i'm with my two friends who work with small children. one is swim instructor and one is a elementary school student teacher. as we're relaxing i suddenly feel myself far removed from the conversation as it turns it's attention towards "their" kids (both of them have become very possesive, you'd think they carried all 30 somewhat kids for 9 months - yack). but they say the kids are just terrible sometimes and especially if they're in bunches and without a strong authoritative figure. they're running all over so fast, zipping right by you, kickballs flying everywhere, screaming, yelling, and the whole nine yards.

and i don't hear another word they say because in my head i'm doing a comparison between the kids just described, and this kid - me. i wondered why a 20 year old like myself felt as if i was just described. i thought about when i was 10, and how that was 10 long years ago, and i asked myself what has changed. i still feel the same chaos around me and i still feel small. although currently i am college student, i was drinking a beer, my car was parked out front, i hold a part time job...are these just our ways of faking it? these are supposed to be the things that make me older? and then i looked down and i was worried because i was wearing the same sneaker i wore when i was 10. of course they are different colors, maybe a little bit bigger in size, but the same model none the less. they are adidas sambas in case you cared, a good shoe design that has obviously withstood the test of time.

but will i?

[Insert Billy Joel River Of Dreams Lyrics Here]

last night i went to bed early, and lately i find myself asleep before 11pm. it's not like i'm tucked in, i've just been passing out when i don't even want to. i wouldn't even mind except usually before i go to sleep i'll prepare for the next day by charging my electronics, setting out my clothes and checking that certain necessities (keys, headphones, hw, etc.) are all packed away where they need to be. i don't leave myself much time in the morning and i get anxiety if i think i'm gonna be late or unprepared for school.

so, when i woke up in the middle of the night and looked to the left where i had envisioned my red hat to be i slipped into a bit of a panic when it wasn't there. at first i just shuffled the covers around and checked the usual places. as the panic elevated i began to feel a heightened sense of insecurity, but i keep good tabs on that hat so i knew it had to be home. after looking in virtually every possible place i grabbed my keys, threw on my black hoodie and sneakers and went outside to check my car. as i walked back to my house empty handed and dejected i realized the severity of the situation. here i was outside at 2am in the freezing cold snow, on the verge of tears, ready to collapse, searching for a hat that hasn't done much for me lately. i knew i was in trouble as i stared up into the sky because i'm not much of a believer and i didn't really expect an answer, but i asked anyway - why do i feel like i just lost my best friend?

oh yeah, i did.

i went back inside, more somber than before but still just a little more accepting of the situation - maybe the hat was better off without me. i guess i woke my mom up in the ruckus. when she came out of her room i asked if she'd seen the hat, i told her it was lost. moms especially always seem to know where m.i.a. belongings are, and mine is no different. although from prior circumstances i've concluded it's usually because she rifles through my crap and puts it back where she pleases. anyway, she said no, and probably aware of my hysteria headed right into the bathroom without any further word. i went back into my room and turned the light on, i figured i wasn't gonna be able to fall back asleep now. then i looked at the bed again, i moved it out from against the wall, and there on the dusty floor lay my hat. it amazed me that it had strayed so far from me in the course of mere hours while i was helpless and asleep. i understood though that sometimes when you least expect it you lose something. not that you wanted to lose it, not that you stopped holding it any tighter, but because it wanted to get lost. i felt betrayed by the hat, but was still relatively happy to have it back.

Cha-Cha-Cha-Chances!

my pal brittney is driving my Hyundai Elantra down Smithtown Ave. i put immense trust in my friends while they're in the drivers seat, and yesterday was no different. i have my head down because i'm trying to pick the next song on my iPod. i hear brittney say "we're going to make this light" and everything about her face read confidence. with that i immediately raise my head. i wanna know the situation i'm about to be immersed in. and with that i see that we're at least a mile from the light, and i didn't even see it turn green. it was stale. staler than cigarettes purchased online from some offshore neighboring country. i held my breath as i felt her accelerate towards the light. i felt it turning yellow. any second now. i felt the disappointment. but as we made the left onto Church St. it was clear we had indeed made the light. weird.

as we continued on Church St. i acknowledged the rarity of making that light, and how strangely long it was green for. waiting for us almost. i even let brittney know i thought she jinxed us by stating we were going to make the light, and so prematurely. we were excited, and i think we felt almost invisible. smiling at each other like we just won twenty bucks on a scratch off sorta thing.

about a quarter mile down Church is another light at the intersection at Walnut Ave. the light was only put there maybe two years ago and it's always green. it only turns red if someone sets off the sensor on Walnut Ave. but Walnut Ave. is basically non existent and serves almost no purpose. it only turns red if the entire world is pinned against you and just the day before you broke a mirror and walked under a ladder. so in the midst of our happiness that light turned red. it would be foolish not to mention we saw it happen. with our own eyes. after it sunk in we just sorta laughed and looked at each other, because these things happen.

The Circle Of Strife

a few weeks ago me and my friend and her sister were parked in front of her house. they have several cats that are free to roam the outside. none of that indoor declawed cat crap my friends. these cats take the term house cat and throw it on its ass.

so my friend notices that her cat half-face is pouncing around playing with something, and upon closer inspection she confirms that it is a mouse. after a few moments of watching the poor mouse get tossed around from paw to paw, or rather claw to claw, i suddenly felt compelled to save the helpless rodent. i began to get out of the car. the cat was at the height of its fun. repeatedly letting the mouse go and then catching it again, then holding it in the mouth and proudly walking about. just before i was about to intervene my friend stopped me and said to allow nature to take its course. i felt kinda terrible but i figured the mouse would die from the injuries anyway so i let it go. a few minutes went by and the mouse was just a lifeless carcass. the cat now several feet away from the scene.

the next night in the same situation we witnessed a family of raccoons pick the dead mouse up and carry it off. i felt some of the guilt die away.