The Battles Been Over, But I Wasn't In It

where do they live where they're numb from the pain? i'd come upon them and ruin their vision, tell them how much it hurts when another person who you love is gone forever, and all that's left is what you cherish.  and when you get weak from the cold you battle it much worse.  you see it in the faces, and moments and you measure how much damage this can do, and will you make it through?  i'll put them right in their place, explain there's no time to waste.  you have to grasp what you have, and hold on to it how you would hold our your hand, but i'm worn out from heartache so don't take my opinion too seriously.

all the running water stops, and i briefly wonder where you are
and why haven't you answered me?  i rustled up that part of you
never would have injected myself into your strife, but hey - you did
and now i surrender my love that hasn't been worth giving until it met you
and now you stand in your house and you look out the window
at all the happenings
you can't believe it- the actual existence- of happy people

Again With An Arrow

you're not what you spoke of
but it's something i'll learn from
people who pick people weaker than them
and i never could defend my defunct heart
and it's not what you talked of
it's something much worse, a poison, a curse
it was all about the sick satisfaction you got when
my heart felt like diseased pieces of memories
that still say forever, and they smother my reason
to stop it from breathing, keep me sheltered
at home with a filter, but what could've kill her?
the words are all flawless but filled with deception
is there any hope at resurrection?
but i reacted without a riot, a devoid heart quiet
now i stand with my hands behind my back
i wait for some slack, that i can't stand to have
the demons die down - they're too busy basking in my loves whereabouts
about you, the direction of the choices you're not making
the sounds of empty airwaves captures my mind
the sacred sensations you realize only in detail
when the lost fragments of your mind look to find
a little pleasure you accept won't last forever
gone in a minute is how we're gonna end it
-and now
my body is still raging from nights spent with you blazing
the fire all our desperate love created

Come Home To Me

i wouldn't admit it to myself but i knew
we had a shelf like of a
few couple weeks before it would creep
away from us, and we were nothing to scoff at
jesus won't you please, just come home to me
i'm tired and weak from roasting myself
on the front lawn, it was a sight to be seen
i was down on my knees, looking up in the clouds
just wanting to shout
won't you come home to me, how easy it'll be
wha it was before, when it was us we knew
we were living for, the love that was part of us from
WON'T YOU JUST COME HOME TO ME
-the beginning, i know you're not listening when i say
won't you come home to me and just stay
and i promise to keep the hurt from your eyes
you can lay with you head in my lap, and i'll rub your back
'til you fall asleep, and drift to far away places
where our love is making, all of this easy
where we can promote this love
where you're asleep now, where i won't let them get you
they'd have to go through me and a chest filled with hurt
and guilty anger that i got from the strangers
staying at my place - won't you just come home to me
and i know i don't hear it - but you love me, you swear it

Blanketed With A Blasé Hellion

my pants are warm cause they just got ironed
it feels like that missing fake empty happy
that i was always fond of
we wanted everything perfect, set it all up
took a deep breath in and our bodies exploded
numb from the people who brandished our aches
when we were away there was nothing at stake
and i wish it was winter, when our cravings were thinner
we survived off the drink, just took the liquor
but we meandered our better judgements and it ended up all over
on the streets, out to eat, alone in our house
but we maintained a distance, afraid it'd all bring us south
and it was kept simple, we died with routine as our only staple
truth is though i yearn for the miscues, it was what it had to do
more so though i crave for the slow heartbeats and flinching legs
never believing we'd have to leave bed, with our enemy at reach
we'd always be beat

I'm Sorry I'm Troubled

when i sit in my room consumed by defeat, i always only want to go two places, your house or the water.  i don't know what for, there's nothing wrong.  i'm doing well, in one piece, actually i have a lot going on with me.  i want to tell you.  i can't because i'll come off as arrogant - rubbing it in your face.

i'm lying, there's nothing, i'm sorry i'm troubled.  i saw someone who smelled like you and i smiled half heartedly and then burst out crying.  i was ripped open, and all was taken.  love was mistaken.  now i'm restricted to timeless sessions where my head pounds with what was found, when i know they were faking.  i'm admittedly scared as i wait for my life to establish itself, hell, i'll have to help.  i'm so mad at nothing and it frames me with daily assumptions that chances won't change, or people can't rearrange the furnishings of their lives, a balance and blend - not just the trend or routine - constant fixtures that you're lectured on to keep your distance from.

and i just want to sprout, grow out from here, not flee but reach further, but by roots stay where home is.  do it for me (?) i have only just begun to become a breeze you'd want to catch, something that could get you stirring.  no longer that howling in the night, filling you with fright.
and they cry when i let them, i really don't get them, but my face swells up and the tears spill - over.

Unoccuppied And Disoriented, Toyed With

i hear the train pass and i wish i was on it
headed out of town like i always wanted
and what keeps me here?  a couple unhappy endings
- i could spare
a couple lost moments that all left me hopeless
but where i'm at the party makes me feel lonesome
i know months away, i'll find a way
- to beat the odds
the mounting loss painfully subsides, i decide to crash at a diner
i have coffee
stare at the waitress - waiting on tables
everyone gets to where they are, but where they are never seems far
i sit scared and still and wonder when i'll see you again, if ever
and i if did would i be urged to cower, and curse you
and i'm so busy looking back and not forward
that i don't see any openings

Slipping Through Hands

because we're the sand
i'm having an emo breakdown
because i'm emotional and unstable
in these four walls, my thoughts reach for the door
they guide to where life could take me
if i'm not the blasted grave me
if i stop praying for you to save me
and somewhere decked out in the skin from the thousand souls whose lives i changed is that organic wholesome someone who will paint the thousand pictures, where i'm all in them, that change the way people explain how they function their brain and brace themselves for all the impending pain.  and the moon will stop making the tidal waves that smash our brains and turn them to the shore where they're walked on all the more.  all our senseless spectators amazed and taken back my the sea.  but not by you and me.  the tiny stones that make our brains, sticking to their skin, there until they swim - so we can end up in that angry sea, getting thrashed back to a shore that's pulling for you and me.

Your Insides Eat Mine

i'm not sure i can cure whatever it is that eats your insides
steals your will to stay alive, i thought i was changing things, getting you well, but you're trapped and were haulted at the point where things could have got better
i don't believe you can walk away, i'll be saved for another day
but if you wouldn't have woke me up i could have slept through the denial and devastation of the chance you say is not worth taking, and the prospects were supplied but the fruition denied and i'm about to walk away, like you can't, lay you down another day
my marvelous emotions floating away on an air balloon, towards the moon, and the day you told me to look at it, in all its glowing glory, it's days away, like the plans we made, and i'm always a little worried of where it all may go when i'm not around to know it - but i'm still days away, wasting away, waiting for another less lonesome day when my life will be made

I'm Not Going Anywhere Fast

hey baby
i think it's kinda funny
that my nose is running
cause i'm not going anywhere fast

i really dont get it
why you went ahead and said it
that we're not going anywhere fast

but maybe baby
if you give me a couple days
i'll show you we'll go plenty of places quickly
but i don't wanna miss you
so i'm not going anywhere fast

someone once told me
i'm not the type of person
that people rely  on or confide in
and i'm not going anywhere fast

Rehash Back To The Blast

i'm calling you and i keep believing i'll hear you phone ringing outside my window - like you already knew.  and i know, i keep my better side shut off when i hear the truth, but i know.  everything will crumble and i'll sit by and let it.  i've done it for a lifetime.  i'm not even sure i regret it.  i just look for people who love me, and i give away my flesh and my twisted love for the consolidated stuff before death.  but when the bonds i form begin to swarm i can't see in any direction, and this isn't exactly as you mentioned.  the explosions are slower and when you think they're stopping they're far from over.  and there's way more people wearing plasic than you prepared me for.  but it's okay, i move my lips but don't say anything so they think they're going crazy.  one walked right up to me and told me he's shoveled shit long enough that he's getting out of this business quickly.  if he could read lips he would have known i could tell from his expression he was deeply unhappy, and hasn't known progression.  i was gonna blow my cover, tell him i knew, that its been a long time since i knew myself straight from birth.  i wasn't blowing smoke up his crap either, i was stifled and looking for jesus - to show me how to identify the sordid souls from the glowing angels.  how to deny distractions and maintain self-reliancy.  i had been misplaced and i settled toward depression for my direction.  a road map filled with swallows, and company that had been hallowed.  and where i am now needs some work, but i'm willing.  the destruction is nothing i never seen before, but always before i went running.  i never stuck around to refurbish the lives i've littered with my self-destructive iniatives - i just level all they've built, watch the fall of it, take the next bus out of town, keep a steady head and never turn around.

Messes Make Themselves

or so i learned
solo or so low, what's the difference - you
now that i met you and defined the love
i'm totally, broken, i want to wash away the filth
drown my love in a river, and watch it float away
i hope the body gets recovered, and there's somewhere it can stay
i see you eye it as thrills, it makes my heart pummel
makes me wonder when you'll break it - i'm a fiend
in all the satisfaction and ache it means
i'd love to put a stake through it, keep it in a cage
secure it with locks - so it wouldn't get away
and i only want to please you
i've never felt this way, it's an eruption of my soul
i want you to have me all, not a fraction, not an inch
- THE WHOLE DAMN THING
but what's fair and right doesn't exist  in this epic fight
i think i'll throw a knockout punch, but i can't make a fist
surrendered with your company, it's my love affair with bliss
the science of the situation seems to go as this,
love is as love needs, the drugs we breathe
the microscope i put others under stands deserted under the covers
and my constant fever makes me crazy
all brought on by you baby

Leave The Doubt At The Door

we lay in bed like we do best, hopeless or hapless, we describe our lives like the movies.  mostly because we have no feelings.  except for each other.

and you look at me and tell me you Love holding me. i'm thinking to myself you know what i Love more,

waking up in the darkest part of night, she's a tempest when you fight to see without light, and i realize i haven't moved an inch and neither have you.  i love how my body is weaning on to yours, and we're in a pool of our own sweat, stuck together with it, and i suddenly figure out that i haven't been angry once since we started this, our life, and how we keep up, the fights that both of us lose cause our time together shouldn't be misused, the smiles and the drives.  the pasts we both stopped probing years ago, we choose to neglect the discomfort it (the past) led to.  and i think we both believed that it warranted an axe that cut our dreams and beliefs into tiny pieces.  we didn't recognize it, but we wouldn't take the blame either.  and maybe we're nontraditional when it comes to progress, but we haven't needed it since childhood.

Ashes & Dust, In God We Trust

when feelings finally disintergrate
they litter the ground, but help the taste
and now i feel your anger, it's visible from angle
and i don't talk about you, at least not devastating lies
just the type that inch you closer to your demise
just the type that you told me, the ones i saw coming, but couldn't see
and i wonder when you'll forgive me, because i forgot all about you
but i didn't forget your hope chest stuffed with porcelain lies
if you ever realize who you are, check the notes i left on your bed-
it's just what i said

Let's Keep It That Way

for my sake

it still kills me when i see you're out

on the town, where you still look down on me

and when you stray away from the perfect party

you'll blame it on your waning sobriety 

that you still can't stand to think of me

your hand at mine is forever gone

so you can't believe you dashed your chance

of ever becoming part of the us

where free will was met with doubtful lust

but if we could of caved in, and lived

together without all those evil eyes

but i couldn't convince you, i wouldn't

inhibit you, so i

took a holiday, staying away, and now that

i'm on it, i'm not smiling

i'm too out of breathe from dodging guiles

Choices That Make Changes

them:  well, you seem a lot more level headed than you did before.

me:  i cut the fat, and not from my diet you senseless moron, from life.

them:  the fat?

me:  we have a broad range of choices throughout our life,  i'm talking about being selective.  no, cut throat.  what i'm saying is boil yourself down to the core, shed the good, but more importantly shed the bad.  take it to a back alley and smack it around, give it the silent treatment, run away and change your number - do what you have to do.  then finally, when it's real quiet and you're sure that nothing is clouding you, it will appear to you.

them:  what will?

me:  it's really hard to explain, but it's very similar to satisfaction.  it's that piece of you, you've had it before and you might have even cherished it, but that didn't stop it from leaving.  maybe you never had it, either way you feel it's absence, it tingles just to remind you and hurts so it can unravel you, and you scoff at it.  but the tingles made you tremble and the pain paralyzed you.  and the self destruction you started years ago will end, you will finally turn that corner that you always saw coming but never knew how to get to.

them:  what's the catch?

me:  everything you left will get together and decide they don't need you, as if they made the choice.  ha.  it's irrelevant and you're sure of the path you took.  the other thing is, there will be these dark and cold moments where you feel uneasy about it all.  when you wonder if this gamble will eventually station itself in line with your regrets.  just remember strength comes when you pay your debts.  whatever you do though don't let it get tough for you again - do something to remind yourself you're a brand new person, but keep the tricks up your sleeve and a trainer in your corner, because the past still exists.  if you should ever lose your focus you will have to prove yourself, again.

The Premiere Of Many Thoughts

so now that i'm somewhat solid, let me sit down and write
i'm an all or nothing person, and all is so hard to retain. i'll catch it for a glimpse, and when it's gone the pain sets in. it was a hint - i barely felt it, i was so busy worrying. my mind has a plan and it's obstructed, i can't get up, i haven't, my showing is weak. i probably wanted too much, but if the world can produce this, even for an instant, how can i be angry with it? maybe the secret to life is to take and bask in the great, and be at ease with the rest of it. but for what are we destined? lately i get on my bike and i feel the best i have, maybe ever. it's difficult to tell, it all seems so worldly when i'm up this close.

and i was just like you, i convinced myself i couldn't, until i stopped believing in the ruins. and then, just like that, that was nothing to climb out of. nothing to overcome, i continued and blossomed, out from the shadows.
and my days are more plain, but i'm still not numb. no lingering effects from the lives i've left. just joy where i smile at the fun and the boring. cause it's not necessarily the delivery or the sum of the parts, but the pieces you cherish and the life you capture.

i hope i haven't left you to jump with my enemies and destroy what i do, making excuses that it's not good enough for you. but just breathe in now and compare it to when i was the entirety of the thoughts of your head. give me some credit you said i was better off dead.

To Be Read Aloud

i feel so lonely, to the point where i wrote this for you - i hope you like love it
where in the past i wouldn't answer, just to let your interest peak
now i stare at the phone, i dream i'll hear you speak
it's me who cast the first stone, and the second, maybe the third
but now i bury my head in the sand, and i disband - because you didn't stick with me
i'm devastated you didn't fight from all the way back, odds against you, even with me
you let that ship sail, and i crashed upon a razor sharp shore with all the heartbreak in the world
and life has become a disease, where death would be a breeze
it's all about the unforgiving seas of losing love that you know won't be retrieved
that will remind you everyday why your worth is weak
and all the warmth you've ever felt was fake and from machines

I Can Stay At Your Place

i know you see me as my eyes plead with yours to scoop me up and carry me home. is it okay if i call it home now too? they left me out there to die, the knives in so deep they're jabbed in the bone, and i'll take them out when we get back, i just can't do it alone.

the entire ride home we baked in the suspense, refusing to break the damp silence, but i wanted so badly to share it all with you - to tell you everything. i wanted to tell you how i expended all my energy avoiding aged demons that kept me from sleeping, and how all the dodging did me no good cause once i was drained they let themselves in and did a dance on the past couple years, spared me nothing, i got stabbed all the times i had coming. but i knew you wouldn't judge me like the others. you stopped my breakdown, made me turn corners. and i was broken, but you were boring. i was hostile, but you sought more from it.

i'm glad i survived this long, so my enemies couldn't see me die, the last bits of anger dripping out on your floor, at the very beginning when you pulled them out all you could hear was the frustrations pour.

What Can't Be

i can't wait to get away, i'll be on the ocean blue
and when i look out at the waves
i know i'll think of me and you

tortured nights out back on the warmth with the patio
screaming for you to understand why i can't let you go
the trueness of my love is impossible to fade
the tender moments stuffed with love
can never bend or break

and maybe you don't see it, it's quite possible you're blind
walking with a stick, searching for what you'll never find
and i'm right beneath you,
i'm the ground you walk
i'm a foundation that's not up to code
and i could use your help

and just like that the water would calm
bring me back to my hometown
i know i'll always think of you,
coming back when i do
and if i could just let go
who knows what i could sow
but tossed out on this fair sea
all that's left is me

A Sight That Can't Been Seen, A Rhapsody

photo credit: http://wondersinthedark.wordpress.com/2011/03/14/31-kiss-me-deadly/


the vast emptiness that has taken up residence in my chest has given me a second chance
i have a type, and it's wielding feelings like slick weaponry
i wanna shoot you down, and drag you back with me
but, will i once again let regret rain down?  dropping bombs that sound of change and send me further out from now
it's just, i know you see past my eyes directly to my brain, the way we look at eachother - it's hard to explain.

we leave verbal words for the rest of our deaf/dumb friends.  we communicate like two book ends, the compliment our relations create make the elements melt away.  it's only us on those days. and when we share those looks i drop straight to a dream.

i'm barefoot in the den and you're in the kitchen and we're sharing laughs that span an entire house we won't ever come out from.  and centuries down the road our blood will still flow in the great make up of the whole damn earth.  and it's something we'll never quite know.

i'm sure that love will take us, at least back to your place, if we ever do get vocal.
i know exactly when we met, how i never saw someone like you, happy as a fool, like me i believed there was distress and restlessness underneath.  i can't wait to let you explode right onto me.

"Tell Me" Responded The Believer

we're too proud of our struggles, and useless luggage
and yet we find everything we've been searching for all without trouble
so if it's good to think wisely, how come it doesn't feel fine (it strands you with nothing)
but i've broke through it all, it's just the free fall
you know how we end up? declared demons of our species, the grave robbers, and decadent beauty, all wind up the same, a face in a frame, on a wall in a house
all built with bare hands, the only things that still stand.  all our frequent dreams, they conclude - the curtain dropping is what finally stops us
so heavenly father, please, tell me this - should i look down?
because i lost something trying not to get it stolen
i'm about to show all my cards, i'm folding

Sold My Soul Cause I've That Low

i can't believe i still talk about you aloud
like you're still around
the ultimate indicator that i'm completely crazy
my conversations with you are always my favorite
ahh what a world it would be if you were back here with me

now i reside by windows, and i esteem myself low
along with my ambiance
along with my foe

i see a squirrel perched on a dead branch
he's in that early morning promising shade
and i think - this must be more than happenstance
him with his weight upon the dead
where my faith lies, atop what i dread

i trace the letters out with my fingers,
the etchings in the snow meant, i don't know.
stress wasn't secondary, it was tertiary and we didn't care
that same distinct disease still haunts me daily
and there's no remedy

And Then There Was One

i miss my old friend. the one i used to kick cans with to kill the time we hated. and not much arose from the situation. maybe cause we never jumped the gun with the legs we didn't have. the only two people i ever met that didn't have a clear escape. you and i buckled as they planned the getaway.

then the water level rose and when i tried to look for you it was pointless. you were so far under. so deep into it. the water swept you out to sea right as the day changed and ground crumbled beneath me.

i went back months later and saw this scene that horrified the lies about life right out of me. i saw you, head above water. my visit turned into a stay and after some careful consideration i decided misery loves life and it forges to fashion the path you take in the end.

\ all the things foregone are still aching on my mind.

Change The Course Of History, Then Disappear

before we connected i was sealed shut, you tapped in and i opened up.  you became privy to my deepest fears and greatest aspirations.  you understood, and told me they were tokens, and now that i had the keys - highs would be certain.  unfortunately for me i was the worst when i finally got a chance with the best.  now when i have something, i feel like shutting back down.  when i had your perspective i wasn't ever in search of my own.  i remember thinking how your view was the best i'd ever seen - now i'm reminded of it every time i wake from my lowly dreams.  what i saw through your eyes made me forgive my past, set my sights on leaving, only for the better, to rehash my plans then work hard from there.

people might think my tapering sadness was much to laugh at, but! hear me out,
you had founded me, established me, so much so, i hadn't minded. i finally believed in something (which easily could've been me).  i wonder if you're still alive up to what looks of no good.  taking over the identities of individuals, dragging their dying dreams off the shore, handing them a high that never would've been looked for, then just walking out, knowing it will all follow.  you left me alone and befuddled, searching for months at what you brought up.  a source of life that's so hard to get in touch.

my mentor since asked me if i was certain of your intent.
the ground shook roughly beneath me and i couldn't breathe.  it had seemed the oxygen had left the air, possibly what the new life that would live within me probably needed.
i froze up, my insides churned, then i finally gasped. this meant so much more than what my mentor had asked.

you might have helped me more than anyone, but i still hate you for it.  i'd kill to go back to when what-could-be wasn't rapping at my feet.  trying so hard to get so much from me.  i thought i could ravage your head, take out all the mistakes i'd made, melt them down, remold, and replace.
then you wouldn't know why we weren't talking in the first place.

tons of people make up lies about life, but the ones  you create hold up.
and i'm not quite sure why i hurt, but since you i know why i don't.

Late Night High School Phone Call

                                                                                              courtesy of PBS
this nightmare turned reality has grown from my instability. i call your mother and ask for your number, my voice is breaking up as i'm breaking down - i tell her i'm sorry. maybe just for the late night high school phone call, maybe for a bit much more.

and i think of the birds and their flock, and with the formation it's still a scene of chaos. but the package is classical and coy. i promise to mirror myself after the birds the rest of the call. my temper is sore, so i slow down the tempo, listen to her list the numbers, count each one with the tip of my pencil. hang up the phone, it was about to destuct, i couldn't allow it.

with the phone down, i think off all the hurdles and exactly how they got where they're at. it had become my fault when stranded with my manic actions i forbode to disappear into that same thin air where you had found your eyewitness accounts (those which had only escalated the severity of the faults that would strand our survival) it was nothing without one another. and just so you don't misremember the distance didn't come from either of us moving, but instead where things had to take us. just that may i was escaping to your heart, by the dead hottest days the fight had gotten out. neither of us could have moved so quickly. we shied away from the risky.

so i sit depleted of everything but faults
holding the handrail the entire way down
that's what you do abandoned by escorts
and i believe in jesus, ghosts, and how unprofitable the bottom line is
but where has it brought me: just to a point where i want to let go, or be let go of
relieve myself of anchors and foundations that had mistaken the aggression of my guilt.
and range of my heart, i commiserate how the tiniest void can create the largest vacancy [in a pretty big heart]
the anchors and foundations crumbled under the acidic mixture
of our fears and my heart.

Blank For The Stranger

i know what you're doing as you try to do it
i just wish you'd quit it
and here's for my critics
and the sloppy rain we watched together
broken hearts are clumped together
stay near me, i'm hopeful- i know it doesn't show
but things i've done don't decide what i'll do
cause moving on is such a drastic song
i play a couple notes, then get buried along

i know what you're trying to do as you do it
but quit looking sexy, it's ruining everything
mostly my plans get foiled as soon as i see you Bare
it's all too much for my fragile nerves
along with my everlasting desire to-
transform what we had into a great deal more
complex task that i dont mind
because you're still the closest stranger

i know what you do when you do it
hearts can't ache when they've been taken out
and used as weapons, i'm sorry i cried
it worsened the arid conditions that existed
when we fell in love

Ain't Nothing Worse Than Nothing

the grudges just kept rubbing at my iridescent heart
eventually letting all the good get pealed away
and all the angry that dispensed was confounded with me - properly on defense
the demons that unleashed reaped havoc not on me,
but every piece where you had custody

so i chanced the mystery that swam with me
i felt it an open opportunity to leave
as i struggled to defend the choices i had taken
my weakened memory forgot how merry things had made a place
they flew off moments after our last

i left that part of you, but it hadn't left a wound
i thought i got away with something: until i realized,
there's nothing worse than Nothing.

For The People Up High

yesterday it felt like i was thrown into reality without the bumpers and safety net.  no sound checks or dress rehearsals.  no mentor, no Virgil.  i look straight up and i see the scars in the sky.  from all the jumbo jets and the people up high.  and a kid like me is so far away we can't even be seen.  and yet i strangely have rescue on the forefront of my mind. it's better than the muscle and everyday grind.

and i see everyone else going so fast, gliding right over those short, deep gaps in the plan.  but i'm moving so slowly, i'm an easy victim, i fall right in them.  on the way down it's not my life that flashes before me, it's yours.  and you're screaming at me to just land, to hit the bottom like man.  and the bottom is something that can't be seen from the surface.  it's cavernous and chilly, and i walk around like i may find my way out.  dig in, and climb the walls - at any angle, with no security.

instead i carve out the side, crawl in a ball, and plant myself inside.
the rain can't flood me out, the faces can't call my name.
and it's all the same as it had been before,
and i'll come out when i'm good and ready.

once my wounds heal up and i can comfortably stand on two feet.  i had gotten so accustomed to giving in and taking it all. so for now i'll just sit here while i work myself out, and hopefully not into deeper trouble where i won't get myself out before summer.  i'll shed the layer of plaster and grit, and watch i'll wind up jumping out of this pit.

My Grievances Defeat Me

i'm catatonic and you keep me this way
the truth is within everything you bring
that you might as well take it back
bring it to the origin where it can be reborn
christened with new potential

and as we walk i hum the tune of a song
my dad used to sing it, cared for it then
now it's damp and heavy from tears it's absorbed
- i just can't like it anymore

forever is a ploy, a sham, a fake, a fraud
she better hope she never sees me
i'll spread the news like wildfire,
surrounding her in a circle, no opening

bright lights blinding the seeing eye dog
the guide we relied on, hapless like us
he lead us to a salvaged path - but,
not without the motion of the sham
i retract this state of crisis
for deeper waters with wilder waves
ones that'll take my life before i'm saved

The Next Big Thing

you didn't even wanna come home with me that night, i swallowed my pride and almost begged you. the lack of life in my eyes caught your attention and you came. on the ride home you rested you head and i was happy to have my lap full. every pothole we hit didn't register. it was one of our last times together (i never saw it coming), i pulled you aside when we got back to your house and i asked how you felt about me. you kissed me like you had always wanted, like when you dated that chubby philanderer - as i'd come to call her - and i wouldn't be within miles of you. none of it mattered because you failed to answer the question. it had become my bible, i studied it until my eyes drooped and died, they couldn't see clearly. and you kept on living like our production had never existed. nothing ever pulled on you, got you frantic - it all did to me. they all thought just because my lifeless body was still breathing they shouldn't put me in the ground. boy were they mistaken. i was low enough and i was done living. peace might have come had you tossed your fistful of dirt over top my grave.

i didn't really want to die, but i really didn't wanna come back to life. however, i misjudged the presence of religious zealots, and overestimated the revelations they would all suddenly have after the initial shock of my blessed miracle. one night too i had a dream that the government seized me and took me to an abandoned lab furnished with faces frozen in time. they ran tests on me, but that was never the case. i woke up feeling less convinced i'd be the governments number one target. the zealots terrified me though because i had nothing to prove, but i was aware they'd force my participation in spectacles. it had always had success with their transgressions and how the choose to spread the word.

when i came back to life is an impossible moment to describe. but i imagine it felt something like being jolted by those paddles dr's use to restart your heart.
in my case however life had slowly built backup over time but i only realized it in one quick instant. just like that i took everything out of the drawer and got it back up on the shelf and if you come over today and saw it i'd make sure to tell you i did it all without help.