A Dime A Dozen

and i felt myself breathing heavy just so my ribs might touch your arm. even for that second. that was then. this isn't then. i took a couple steps back and realized what i was wagering. i decided that i must retreat and as i did i focused my attention towards the hangings on my wall. the makings of a mended portrait left here from the prior owners, and it's been here for years but the dust never seems to settle. i feel it begging with me to collapse, to let you reign and domineer this life i've tried to have. and i might be cowering but i haven't collapsed.

and i'm on the train now writing this, reflecting and the woman huddled across from me has coffee and i have nothing, and the smell is going straight to my stomach.

The Disheartening Facts For A Middle-Aged Woman

Dear Diary,
That balding fat therepist of mine continued his string of stupidity at my last session on Friday. He tells me to write Phil a letter where I "act as if nothing bad can come from it". I bet that asshole is on his fourth or fifth marriage. I don't know why I continue to go to him, I guess it's because of the close proximity to my house. Margaret told me that her therapist can read her mind. Oh gosh, if I could retain some therapy guru, he could be my confidant and together we'd solve all my foolish problems. Anyway, here's what I came up with so far...

Dear Phil,
I hate you so much, and I'm so sorry. When I'm next to you in bed I hate it. I hate looking at you and seeing you breathe. Damn I sound harsh, but I'm not meaning to. It's just things have changed so much between us, and I know I'm at least partially to blame. I always think of your sister's 40th birthday party when I sat on Linda's husband's lap, and how angry you were. I was drunk Phil. Plus I was getting rather sick of always playing second fiddle to whichever one of your receptionists was on the payroll at the time. Quite frankly I've endured a lot during all 17 years of this marriage and Phil I've finally woken up. I'm not even going to ask you to give up your insignificant affairs and short-lived relations, I know you're much too selfish. Rather, I'm giving you some notice that I will be engaging in my own escapades shortly and your involvement is not requested. And who knows Phil, maybe one day I'll be gone, and when you send for me it'll take days, and you won't like the response...

It could use some work, but it's not bad so far. I'm gonna go off to sleep now.

XOXO
Elizabeth Wilder

Silence On The Prairie

time is such a twisting burden,
as it's expanse is ever vast
and it ties my mind, however fine
to things that settle-quite like pebbles
at the bottom of a rapid stream
where you wade but aren't seen

and i'm across the widest plain
on my back feeling slain
displace the ground with ecstasy
arms up like a towering tree
getting ready to receive
a calming sensation
from the warmest breeze

then a bird comes to my shrinking view
and begins to mock my grayish hue
he flaps away towards a brighter horizon
i stare at his departure, still none the wiser

Bah Humbug!

in an attempt to save what little money i happen to come by i had made the drastic choice to spend no more than 4 dollars on food. this had reduced me to pizza, mcdonalds, and bagels. it was already a sad situation my friends, and it's only gotten sadder. now i'm almost completely dependent on freebees and the likes.

i've only been out of a job a couple days now, but it's really starting to go to my head. when i was walking to school yesterday i saw a stranded McCafe cup on the side of the road, had to be a medium, or a large. i know the small looks somewhat disproportionate and silly. although i gave the cup what i believed to be a passing glance, i instinctively noticed the monopoly game pieces still completely intact. i figured it was a rushed, environmentally unconscious slave of the workforce merely overlooking the chance at an instant win. although in these rough economic conditions the instant wins seem to be few and far between and are reminiscent of a more glorious economy. i peeled away my two game pieces to reveal a railroad and some other miscellaneous property. i tossed the cup in it's proper trash receptacle. so much for dumb luck, or rather bum luck.

High-Fives & Good Times

i quit my job, i quit drinking*, but most importantly i've quit feeling sorry for myself. recently a lot of things that in the past i've probably considered the very foundation of my essence have vanished, but now i have to reconsider - if the foundation is gone how can the structure still stand? i was mistaken, or i've built new ones over night...?

either way i feel great, and now that my schedule is cleared (that's some unemployment humor) i'll finally have the time to sit still and bask in a voluntary and purposeful life worth living. time seems to be moving at a slower pace, but in the best way. school doesn't warrant the rush that work always did, and i feel as though i've finally gotten a chance to step out of the worlds stuffiest room. as for my newly ascertainable free time i have devised a pretty sweet list of things i plan on doing, all of which seem fantastic yet were totally impossible just days ago. i'll address the money issue when it becomes just that because at this time i have developed in depth tactics to do without. none of which are illegal, no worries.

and in regards to the foundations: most things are temporary. how could i forget?



*daily, and in excess