Sunday, September 22, 2013
I can't wait to get to you, and when i do, i press the news. i want the latest, i don't actually wanna know any of the details, i just want the general idea. how far away did you stray, how much did i get in the way? did you think of me as often as i thought of the end of what was my life. i had always pictured us together, for as long as i can remember. the pedestal i placed you on has cracked and smells of mold, but you know i didn't toss it out i used it so i could make a match and place you back where you belonged. and i'm telling you the world laughed in my face as i sung the same old song. about you and me and ecstasy. and i bargained with the lord, i told him i would take the path that they all assumed i'd take, and that i'd try my best and all the festering pain from all the losses, i would no longer let it get to me. i promised i'd screw it up and get it off my scent and it would never come back and haunt me. and if it did i'd call in the worlds greatest ghost hunter and i'd commit a sin with the witchcraft to scare the demons away. but i never minded confession, it teaches me a lesson every time, about me, the me minus you. and now that i'm getting older i find it so hard to believe that nothing has changed, i'm still a sap and i still like it that way. i'll tell you though, i put all my mistakes, and miscues in a coffin and i buried them with the best of me, uhh i mean the worst of me. yeah i tossed it, it was right after i lost it all, it was like a car accident, the adjuster told me i should start over, but i grabbed him by the balls and i told him that life is never about giving up, it's about putting up, and rising to the occassion. that day i felt like a raft on the most dangerous of white water trails, cause i had to hand it to him, taking the easy way sure looked ripe, and nice and it didn't smell so noxious like doing the right thing does. but i've always been someone who has myself convinced that no matter how great the sinner, the deeds of the past aren't so much a mold for the future as they are a reminder of how standard you can actually be. and i got away with it for sometime, but it mostly served as a phone call to my future self, a warning. now i'm longing for a clean slate, a fresh start, a new beginning, let me get past the sinning masochistic ways that made me who i was for too long. self deprecation had its reign, and now i'll allow myself to heal.