The Impossible Let Downs You Have To Admire

i keep listening to sad songs. if makes me feel better, like we're forever. and i'm not beyond you or myself so i know it's close to impossible. it's just i think life without you would be something similar to a yellow top hat, clear nonsense. i don't feel as stupid as i look, you must trust that. if i did i'd just stop, and believe you'd be waiting there telling me people will come and every thing will get done. but i won't believe anything, certainly not you. forever you've tested me and closely won. but i feel a fool for letting you get one up. if five years from now i'm still making the wagers and you can't even do a simple favor things could be real clear. like the glass or diamond you're set to steal. and right now i'd love to say "fuck my life" but i know that's not the case. i have so much more to set aside, to let you see that i'm not that fucked up individual you burnt and let free. i guess fuck you this is more about me.

I Just Don't Know Anymore

my mom always tells this story about how when i was a kid my family would go on vacation, and they'd leave me behind. i was too young. she said i would stare out the window hysterically crying, watching them leave. wishing they'd turn back towards home and take me with them. hoping maybe it was all a sick joke - them leaving me behind.

a part of me still feels like that little kid.
wondering where everyone went.
hoping they'll come back for me.

The Clandestine Killed Comfort

i stand in the shower, away. the water hitting me and running down my face. it feels like the rest of my life i could stand there and not know the difference. of course you're on my mind, but it feels much better thinking about you when i'm naked. halfway there. and as the water cascades and descends i can't help but weigh the efforts of our failed relationship. it's all become the past quickly, almost overnight. but i'd rather not leave this space where beauty and heat collide and create an effect that reminds me of our early days together. when they didn't know any better, and we were just relaxing the tensions between us. all the grandiose reasons we gave for trying too hard, and making things more wonderful than we ever knew was possible. an exploratory adventure, we drained it of all it's worth and then left it. and you created the image of an overflowing willingness to heed, and i just took advantage. the fog settles my nerves and i stop thinking about us because clarity isn't the only thing available to score the happenings of all this.

i used to put names on all my failures, now i just place numbers.

Deliver Me From Despondency

sometimes i wish you knew the hurt that festers my soul
runs rampant and eats my desires whole
the kind that on my best day i ever had
still hallows and carves the pleasantries dry
and you wouldn't know unless it capsized your life
the aches that torment and banter through night
and to no avail you defiled me weak
for you i'm a saint yet faced with defeat

Daydream Believer

sometimes i wonder about what could be. and then i break down. the stuff you say tends to scare me, and then i want every dream of mine to be lucid. i worry if it tends to be me.

and i don't care what they say about how when you have nothing to lose you're free to do anything, because i'm still terrified.

and i carry a poem in my pocket that i wrote for you. the paper it's written on is tattered from me touching it. plus, it's incredibly cheesy - but it helps me forget how i'm always too polite.

Gladly I Will

waking up this morning i had a

funny thought

that all mistakes when made

weren't that at all

i cracked a 1/2 a smile and stared

across my room

then i walked outside and laughed

off my impending doom