we're sitting on the bed, and you repeat what i just said, oh something about the one, and hun do i think that's what you might become. you unknowingly tripped me up and pushed me back to my past. i start recalling offhand remarks that my grandmother made. my second great loss in life and afterward for a long while she was frequently pulling the strings that play at my heart. my first great loss was my father, his life ended on an ordinary day, in an ordinary way. and i start thinking more about the shape of my heart, and how it's become disfigured but insurmountable. i think of all the ways i was changed in childhood, for all the ordinary mediocre days - what had really stayed.
maybe it's not what you take to the grave, but what takes you to the grave.
i hadn't thought twice about losing my life, that is until i reached deep within and realized that there is more to me than what i've implemented the last couple years. out of sheer and naked fear i talked myself up a ledge. and that probably sounds peculiar and warped. but it was from there that i saw the most amazing view, i saw all the happenings, i saw everything i longed for. and i guess i knew deep in my heart, although at the time i wouldn't admit it, that you were there too. You. i have always ached for you to capitalize on my life. that's all i want, is to give you my presence. i had a way of drowning out your loneliness, that only i noticed how profoundly sad you really were. and you would never admit it, and you didn't, but i eased some of the pressure.
then again, with the whole world watching, i invaded you're life, and only now, when you've had to do without are you really hurting. in the past i was always still behind you, close by lurking. but now life has blown up and i'm busy. you kept yelling at me to do something with myself, and i went and did just that. i wish i could come around again with my cape and convince you in a minute how great everything is going to be. but i have bills to pay, and calls to make, buses to catch, and budgets to meet. and i'm not sure where or when your place in my life became almost unnoticed, but i can barely hear you.
i would have taken care of you for the rest of my life, but you walked away for the last time. and today i keep the promises i make to myself. but one last proverbial mention of your allusiveness that makes me a sure bet. i'll be seeing you again. maybe i should spell it out for myself because i'm so slammed shut on the issue. there can't be a gray area. and yet it's here in my heart. whenever i come close to moving on, dusting myself off, and doing without you, instead i turn my head around to face the past where i privately admit i'm not sure how tall i can feel again. the despair we brought each other might fade - i can only hope.
Saturday, June 20, 2015
you hate these socks i'm wearing, you just told me "they make your feet stink worse". and the fallen angel in the backyard is watching with outstretched arms, and i can't physically see her, but i know she's there. the last landmark from my past that makes the aches in my heart almost explode. and if it ever did explode a thousand butterflies would flutter out and fall to the ground. each one desperately trying to take off, get off the ground - but their wings are too weak and the gravity seems to be pulling in an usually profound way. i'm still not sure if it's just me or it's all a bad dream. but the fact that you woke up ages ago and walked out, which is an odd way to put it since i'm the one who actually moved, you stayed right where you were - still are. but i'm the one emotionally stalled on all fours crawling towards the faintest scent of how i remember you. the bearer of bad news, you had the paper in hand and read me all the obituaries, but you didn't mention was your intention to get my name there within the following weeks. the sheath you used to blind all my senses, it was kind of relentless, in my mind it was our connection - i called it love. you always knew better, more than me. you could predict the future with your crystal ball and tarot cards. and when you pulled the high priestess and the tower you saw weakness and me cower, i saw jesus with a flower in his hair. the sins we hold together are rabid enough in their own right, savage in cuffs on a lonely night.