Sunday, January 26, 2014

I'm Not Sure Where To Start

     i took a trip, back in my mind, to a couple years ago, when i was feeble and you didn't exist. and i wonder what it would have been like then. could you have propped me up, would you have had the strength? i didn't know your name when i was at my worst. what and who pulled me out is still an unmanageable discussion. but one fact we can get straight is it wasn't you. and now i know come spring you'll be gone. and i'm still not sure what for. was it my lack of enthusiasm for anything other than you. and i stopped trying to explain to you long ago how my low self-esteem leads me blindly into these horrifying positions where i give up my grasp on the difference between good and evil. i look back at whats happened and i gasp, that couldn't have been me? i did that?  and the repercussions you owned at that moment left violent welts across everything. its become safe to say that nothing has been the same since.

     a couple months pass by and we are without a doubt back to our favorite position. we hold court down the hall in the den. and i always remind you that you're my best friend, and that i wouldn't ask for more. but now we're months removed from that perfect storm. from the times when our fights ended with messy beds and sweat. and the truth is, being with you i grew fond of everythinag that i once hated. acceptance swarmed about my life and i truly felt happiness for the first time. i never knew what you were thinking. a hiccup that suddenly blew up in my face, i couldn't let it go. and maybe i'm the share master and you can't relate. i want to ask you a million questions, and i want a million answers. you will be drained, quite literally, and i'll carry you home, and tuck you in, put on a movie and watch you with all my senses. i can't comprehend that me and you are in the single digits. everytime we're together i know in my heart that its one of the last, and i can't do anything to stop it. i grab the handle in the train car and i peer out the window. i'm in self-destruct mode and i can't get out, i'm suffocating. your far off in the distance holding a conversation with a total stranger. and maybe i lucked out, i gain nothing, and yet i'm free. because i decided myself, and thats what i'm going by now.

     so don't look for me in the den, i won't be there. and don't call for me when you're in trouble, and least of all when you're lonely. when you're lonely sit with your shallow heart and play the tunes of the past. and how you got us here. a puppeteer all along, how did i miss it? oh, you were so efficient.  and truthfully i don't even want to make up for lost time, i want you to learn that the very actions you engage in, start the engine that drives the car, and the words you speak steer and your ambition hits the gas, and where you end up is maybe none of my business but i hope its far from me.

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