Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Sold My Soul Cause I've That Low

i can't believe i still talk about you aloud
like you're still around
the ultimate indicator that i'm completely crazy
my conversations with you are always my favorite
ahh what a world it would be if you were back here with me

now i reside by windows, and i esteem myself low
along with my ambiance
along with my foe

i see a squirrel perched on a dead branch
he's in that early morning promising shade
and i think - this must be more than happenstance
him with his weight upon the dead
where my faith lies, atop what i dread

i trace the letters out with my fingers,
the etchings in the snow meant, i don't know.
stress wasn't secondary, it was tertiary and we didn't care
that same distinct disease still haunts me daily
and there's no remedy

Sunday, March 27, 2011

And Then There Was One

i miss my old friend. the one i used to kick cans with to kill the time we hated. and not much arose from the situation. maybe cause we never jumped the gun with the legs we didn't have. the only two people i ever met that didn't have a clear escape. you and i buckled as they planned the getaway.

then the water level rose and when i tried to look for you it was pointless. you were so far under. so deep into it. the water swept you out to sea right as the day changed and ground crumbled beneath me.

i went back months later and saw this scene that horrified the lies about life right out of me. i saw you, head above water. my visit turned into a stay and after some careful consideration i decided misery loves life and it forges to fashion the path you take in the end.

\ all the things foregone are still aching on my mind.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Change The Course Of History, Then Disappear

before we connected i was sealed shut, you tapped in and i opened up.  you became privy to my deepest fears and greatest aspirations.  you understood, and told me they were tokens, and now that i had the keys - highs would be certain.  unfortunately for me i was the worst when i finally got a chance with the best.  now when i have something, i feel like shutting back down.  when i had your perspective i wasn't ever in search of my own.  i remember thinking how your view was the best i'd ever seen - now i'm reminded of it every time i wake from my lowly dreams.  what i saw through your eyes made me forgive my past, set my sights on leaving, only for the better, to rehash my plans then work hard from there.

people might think my tapering sadness was much to laugh at, but! hear me out,
you had founded me, established me, so much so, i hadn't minded. i finally believed in something (which easily could've been me).  i wonder if you're still alive up to what looks of no good.  taking over the identities of individuals, dragging their dying dreams off the shore, handing them a high that never would've been looked for, then just walking out, knowing it will all follow.  you left me alone and befuddled, searching for months at what you brought up.  a source of life that's so hard to get in touch.

my mentor since asked me if i was certain of your intent.
the ground shook roughly beneath me and i couldn't breathe.  it had seemed the oxygen had left the air, possibly what the new life that would live within me probably needed.
i froze up, my insides churned, then i finally gasped. this meant so much more than what my mentor had asked.

you might have helped me more than anyone, but i still hate you for it.  i'd kill to go back to when what-could-be wasn't rapping at my feet.  trying so hard to get so much from me.  i thought i could ravage your head, take out all the mistakes i'd made, melt them down, remold, and replace.
then you wouldn't know why we weren't talking in the first place.

tons of people make up lies about life, but the ones  you create hold up.
and i'm not quite sure why i hurt, but since you i know why i don't.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Late Night High School Phone Call

                                                                                              courtesy of PBS
this nightmare turned reality has grown from my instability. i call your mother and ask for your number, my voice is breaking up as i'm breaking down - i tell her i'm sorry. maybe just for the late night high school phone call, maybe for a bit much more.

and i think of the birds and their flock, and with the formation it's still a scene of chaos. but the package is classical and coy. i promise to mirror myself after the birds the rest of the call. my temper is sore, so i slow down the tempo, listen to her list the numbers, count each one with the tip of my pencil. hang up the phone, it was about to destuct, i couldn't allow it.

with the phone down, i think off all the hurdles and exactly how they got where they're at. it had become my fault when stranded with my manic actions i forbode to disappear into that same thin air where you had found your eyewitness accounts (those which had only escalated the severity of the faults that would strand our survival) it was nothing without one another. and just so you don't misremember the distance didn't come from either of us moving, but instead where things had to take us. just that may i was escaping to your heart, by the dead hottest days the fight had gotten out. neither of us could have moved so quickly. we shied away from the risky.

so i sit depleted of everything but faults
holding the handrail the entire way down
that's what you do abandoned by escorts
and i believe in jesus, ghosts, and how unprofitable the bottom line is
but where has it brought me: just to a point where i want to let go, or be let go of
relieve myself of anchors and foundations that had mistaken the aggression of my guilt.
and range of my heart, i commiserate how the tiniest void can create the largest vacancy [in a pretty big heart]
the anchors and foundations crumbled under the acidic mixture
of our fears and my heart.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Blank For The Stranger

i know what you're doing as you try to do it
i just wish you'd quit it
and here's for my critics
and the sloppy rain we watched together
broken hearts are clumped together
stay near me, i'm hopeful- i know it doesn't show
but things i've done don't decide what i'll do
cause moving on is such a drastic song
i play a couple notes, then get buried along

i know what you're trying to do as you do it
but quit looking sexy, it's ruining everything
mostly my plans get foiled as soon as i see you Bare
it's all too much for my fragile nerves
along with my everlasting desire to-
transform what we had into a great deal more
complex task that i dont mind
because you're still the closest stranger

i know what you do when you do it
hearts can't ache when they've been taken out
and used as weapons, i'm sorry i cried
it worsened the arid conditions that existed
when we fell in love

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Ain't Nothing Worse Than Nothing

the grudges just kept rubbing at my iridescent heart
eventually letting all the good get pealed away
and all the angry that dispensed was confounded with me - properly on defense
the demons that unleashed reaped havoc not on me,
but every piece where you had custody

so i chanced the mystery that swam with me
i felt it an open opportunity to leave
as i struggled to defend the choices i had taken
my weakened memory forgot how merry things had made a place
they flew off moments after our last

i left that part of you, but it hadn't left a wound
i thought i got away with something: until i realized,
there's nothing worse than Nothing.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

For The People Up High

yesterday it felt like i was thrown into reality without the bumpers and safety net.  no sound checks or dress rehearsals.  no mentor, no Virgil.  i look straight up and i see the scars in the sky.  from all the jumbo jets and the people up high.  and a kid like me is so far away we can't even be seen.  and yet i strangely have rescue on the forefront of my mind. it's better than the muscle and everyday grind.

and i see everyone else going so fast, gliding right over those short, deep gaps in the plan.  but i'm moving so slowly, i'm an easy victim, i fall right in them.  on the way down it's not my life that flashes before me, it's yours.  and you're screaming at me to just land, to hit the bottom like man.  and the bottom is something that can't be seen from the surface.  it's cavernous and chilly, and i walk around like i may find my way out.  dig in, and climb the walls - at any angle, with no security.

instead i carve out the side, crawl in a ball, and plant myself inside.
the rain can't flood me out, the faces can't call my name.
and it's all the same as it had been before,
and i'll come out when i'm good and ready.

once my wounds heal up and i can comfortably stand on two feet.  i had gotten so accustomed to giving in and taking it all. so for now i'll just sit here while i work myself out, and hopefully not into deeper trouble where i won't get myself out before summer.  i'll shed the layer of plaster and grit, and watch i'll wind up jumping out of this pit.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

My Grievances Defeat Me

i'm catatonic and you keep me this way
the truth is within everything you bring
that you might as well take it back
bring it to the origin where it can be reborn
christened with new potential

and as we walk i hum the tune of a song
my dad used to sing it, cared for it then
now it's damp and heavy from tears it's absorbed
- i just can't like it anymore

forever is a ploy, a sham, a fake, a fraud
she better hope she never sees me
i'll spread the news like wildfire,
surrounding her in a circle, no opening

bright lights blinding the seeing eye dog
the guide we relied on, hapless like us
he lead us to a salvaged path - but,
not without the motion of the sham
i retract this state of crisis
for deeper waters with wilder waves
ones that'll take my life before i'm saved
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