My Grievances Defeat Me

i'm catatonic and you keep me this way
the truth is within everything you bring
that you might as well take it back
bring it to the origin where it can be reborn
christened with new potential

and as we walk i hum the tune of a song
my dad used to sing it, cared for it then
now it's damp and heavy from tears it's absorbed
- i just can't like it anymore

forever is a ploy, a sham, a fake, a fraud
she better hope she never sees me
i'll spread the news like wildfire,
surrounding her in a circle, no opening

bright lights blinding the seeing eye dog
the guide we relied on, hapless like us
he lead us to a salvaged path - but,
not without the motion of the sham
i retract this state of crisis
for deeper waters with wilder waves
ones that'll take my life before i'm saved

If I Die Before I Wake

i was laying down last night about to say my prayers - i start by doing the imaginary cross. the trinity. the father. the son. the holy spirit. my greatest religious influence happens to be Sammy Sosa, but i've always believed in the power of prayer so i continue on with the tradition. it removes me from the issues, and allows me a chance at hope.

last night though it occurred to me: might it be gravely disrespectful to lay down as a pray? and come to think of it anytime i've ever seen someone pray they're kneeling. at the edge of the bed - kneeling. in a church pew - kneeling. my stupidity rears its ugly head once again. and not before i briefly consider the fact of that matter is that i don't ask for much. usually just to ease the pain of my family/friends (i'm always real sure to make sure i use the word ease) and to dream of things that are gone. on the other hand though i've been answered at times. must be doing something right. maybe the idea of kneeling to me seems overly religious, passing my threshold as a religious being. i don't know. frankly the idea of someone walking in n me kneeling, praying frightens me. i'm almost embarrassed to say i'd be embarrassed.

now, that's embarrassing.

maybe it's okay not to kneel if you have hardwood floors, and weak knees. i mean i'm at least willing to give it a try. i think i'd find it more appropriate. maybe i should be more concerned with my corrupt thoughts (that was a joke) or lack of confirmation (that wasn't).

i'm gonna go google directions for praying.

Here Goes Nothing

the weather is getting so cold, but i'm just beginning to heat up.

two days ago i figured out the four words that are gonna save my life:
I'm Gonna Fix It.

i asked my good friends mom when she gave up on life. she told me not up until just recently, and that i'm way too young to give up. i believed her cause in all the years i've known her i've never taken her to be a liar. at least not with me.

i figure it's like this, and correct me if i'm wrong, if you walk down the wrong path - and maybe you're not even too far down this path - but you one day realize what's going on and you say to yourself how the heck did i get this far. and you start to take a look around and you really don't like what you see. so you decide you indeed did get on the wrong path, but what comes next? you can't just be picked up by the hands of God and placed on the correct path. this is LIFE remember? you're left with one realistic, yet unpleasant choice: go back the way you came.

King Me!