Thursday, December 20, 2012

The Lesser Of Two Evils

i sit back and take a good look.  well the best view i can get with everything that has been blowing up in my face.  my overindulgence as of late could break the scale you bought me with.  and sometimes when you're asleep i look at you and i wonder if i'd want  me if i was as strong and pure as you.  you are dripping with emotion, and they all can't wait their turn.  i fill you with rage until our tears come out boiling and they burn through everything we created when they fall.  and lately i just feel like an over extension of my younger days, yielding maybe less hate but certainly the same grief.  and i heard there's no shame in never letting go of your hurt, as long as you keep room for other things as well.  and my capabilities have been squashed by a desire to bury myself in pain, and guilt. and maybe it has no conclusion, no final result.  will this continue until i'm older and less excitable than i am at this very moment.

oh and you - i know what you've come back for.  because every time i reprise the role of the phoenix you whisper that it's only the next time that will create that arc.  finally i will manifest that true destiny that has been with me the entire time.  only then will i see the light.  and i haven't been scared of the dark this entire time, rather wishing myself out of it simply because i know that diligence has not paid off primarily in my lifetime.  and i miss all that deserves missing, and at what cost.  should i get down on my knees, create that visual aid towards what i feel. in my most honest moments i'm neither happy nor sad, just daring and taking aim at the repercussions.  and that light to which you think i'm a guide, i'm not.  more like a microscopic parasite feeding with your delight.  and this isn't our divine comedy, as success rests in the eye of the beholder, failure rests within.

Saturday, November 3, 2012

"I Thought It Was Strange You Said Everything Changed"

i am maybe the first person to be doing the wrong things for the right reason.  love is above all an accomplishment, today more than ever.  we are a severely broken marriage when we're only steady dating.  i wander around your house, the one you've invited me into, and without caution i might add. i don't think you had a hesitation about me, a second thought.  nobody does, not about me.  i'm hardy, i'm american in all the right ways.  i trust everyone who's breathing, i'd give to anybody with their hand out, and my heart is growling now from all the ambitious years i spent saving myself from utter disappointment by sticking my head in the sand.

i woke up and i realized i don't have a home.  and it's painful, indeed.  it takes me a couple years to become aware of my situation as a tramp in a world where trust is fading fast.  have i garnered much to brag about?  i cant count over 30,000 smiles from random strangers crossing my path in a fleeting moment, a reputation as a soldier who runs to the front-lines, a do-gooder who wants nothing to show for it, a philanderer who simply can't afford to put a ring on it, and wouldn't do that do anyone, above all you.

so paint your nails black and cry yourself to sleep tonight.  i'm waiting for the drug dealer to arrive, and i'm practically pulling my hair out.  he might be my favorite person to see.  and he's a pretend friend, another soul on the sidelines of my life.  watches as i use all my might to disassemble my life, i save all the pieces and put them back in their package and mail them back to their rightful owner. i remember what time you called it compartmentalize.

and i'm in heaven now, i'm warm, and maybe now i wish you'd call.  but i ring you, and leave a message - cause that's what best friends do.

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Reflect As You Want

i display a spectrum of emotion in a minute and sometimes i let you listen, i know i look distant.  i believe you wonder how we dwell together - you believe it, but i went through hell together and that habitual wreath of anger that i wear around my neck, i've warned you of it, now you peek at it, and it can flare up, but the swelling has gone down since you took me around, it's just not as heavy, you've pointed out all the redundancy to me and i've plucked it off.

i thought of how the diseased leaves would feed around 5 maturing souls who already chose a path.  and i know i tell you all the time, but i'd  be nothing without you.  i count 100 blades of grass in your parents garden and i hear 100 voices coming through the armory, with you at my side the impossible has shifted to possible.  i wish you could witness what you've gifted life me above the corpse of my past.  it was your love that swayed from a rehash.  the guides told me "rework what you have" while you said to toss it all out, to be terrified but pay no attention to the limitations it would spew out - you'll be new now.

so i threw it all out, the anger and expectations, the values adjacent to norm, and it was a storm.  i was sick daily, but i wasn't failing, it's sorta funny too because before i begun i expressed my distress to you, i was weak, no way i could accomplish this feat, the words expelled from me, never, can't, how can i - while you stood there steady in silence and displayed what gave me hope, and yet you handed it to me.  how stranded i thought i'd be, then when the tailspin started i didn't want to market how near i was to an emotional collapse, but i was promised and i swear on the sky i saw you lose patience, even if it was just as you maintained them, yes you stayed with me and held up a mirror and directed me not to cower but you reflect my passion, love and strength.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

A Farewell To Arms

lately i've been thinking about my old life, the one i used to live.   i was always trying to get the room to spin.  and i can't tell you why but i fell for the lie.  and it was a way to cope, but the steepest slope and once i began to fall it wasn't my call.  and you screamed to take a life preserver, i called back that it was nice to know you, but i'd rather be twice the deserter that have unfulfilled ambitions and old sedated wishes.  and you store yours in the attic, but it's more than being phatic, we've lived the same life and you can blame strife but even if it was all apathetic, i can't say that i regret it.  i know you never will, you could live a hundred lives and repeat all your mistakes, with vivid memories of what happened every time before.

and i'm like an alley cat leaving gifts on your porch, any excuse to come into the warmth.  i sleep under cars, and beside bars.  i hide my face from perfect strangers.  but sometimes after i've cried for hours about feeling like i have nothing and nobody, i feel like i'm floating.  for a couple days after i carry myself better, its like i shelf the depression.  and the present is a must-have, sorta seize-the-moment-or-else type of bit, but i'm still not believing it, it's some freakin' shit.  don't get me wrong, i'll give you the right.  paint a still life and try not to think of me.

listen dear, i'm closer than you think.  out here on the streets all the free time i have makes everything feel so close.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Last Night Was Wild

last night was wild, and not the good kind.  sometimes i think i've changed you, only for the worst.  i wonder vaguely who you were when we first met, cause i can't remember, but i see you now and i know something is different.  i'm not the same either.  but when we first met you knew every single side of me, i didn't hide a thing.  but it seems like every day i witness a new angle you take, or a mood you relay.  like a tonic you drink and you're lost and taking the kitchen sink.  what you love to do is get angry.  remind me all the things i'm doing wrong and how i'm a liar because i promise you i'd do anything for you.  you repeat what i say then deem it a lie.  assign it a poison, you can't pass it by.  i really don't mind.  i just sing that meatloaf song in my head, because i would do anything for you love, but i will not do that.  if i do i know within the next week i'll be on my hands and knees as you would have found a substitute, or the latest devil.  and the witchcraft is getting old, it's soggy from all the tears.  i absorb each one as painful as the last, and i want it to pass as quickly as possibly, so quickly its just a flash and there's nothing to really remember it by.  but you want to let it get comfortable, take its shoes off and make itself at home.  it turns our home upside down and i'm sitting on the ceiling looking down at the room wondering how i can make it out the door without you noticing.  i need a distraction, to get some traction.  you're cut throat, but i'm just a jerk.  is it lust or hurt?  we yearn for one another, but the others prove us wrong.  meant for one another, does it mean a thing at all?  have you seen us take it all the way, i look in the mirror and my mistakes stare back, they're grinning and i'm gritting my teeth and bracing myself.  now my health is in your hands, and it's an enormous responsibility.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Teddy Bear On The Floor Face Down (AKA Lenghty Emo Title)

i think about murder like frying an egg, self defense
waiting for the influx of anger, and then subsequent damage
i feel your life leave, and i drop to my knees
i'm hot and disoriented but you're cold and it was a choice you made
but now you're laid down, and i'm insane - yes.
that's what i'll plea, call the press tell them about the eggs
it wasn't my choice, just all the noise, was in my head
and it was making my mind, no, my brain, relay messages all ignorant and angry
and you fancied me a mad hatter, how i stopped time and then the disregard for the future didn't seem so shocking.  and i'm flagrant with my madness, cause despair is what repairs it
so where is there a choice in that situation?
i'm faced with being crazed or no sensations
and you will not catch me in your net, sitting or lying or laying or what have you,
wasting away with my dreams on a back-burner called denial
and you go senile because the reality will maim you
and yes these dreams are just my wantings
but i'm a fiend so there ain't a chance at me stopping
but functioning has been all you know, and you know it oh so well
you wouldn't want to bump heads with floating, and not knowing what's coming up next
but you did know me best, so well in fact, you knew that it would end
and it would end a mess, in both sense. because we're still licking our wounds,
but the ones we had together were anew.  i am poison to you, that's my view.
but keep steady for a couple months, i'll be ready to jump for a fifth time,
we'll still call it "this time", a wish kind of purpose between us
and they all think i found jesus.
and life is truly about comparison, that's how i sum it up
so duly note the facts within, love is the hump
you have to climb it but i'll roll down it and run all around it
i'll grab a telescope and scope it out, have mercy with my doubt
yes self pity is a pity but i'm riddled with its forbidden feelings
it debuts every time it has an appearance, just as boldly fashioned as the first time
i'll conclude its the worst time, but its always a tie
and i catch a glimpse that changes my insides forever, i insist
til a couples months pass and that facade changes fast
can anything last?  for real the way you want it, unforced and nothing lost from the self
not just months of a hell you can bare, but a tell tale heaven thats founded and recorded and there is nothing left you long for, and you're not strong for something - you just are
and nothing is far, everything is as close as you keep it, and no ones leaving
the way you're used to seeing

Sunday, May 27, 2012

Happiness Is Abundant, And In Short Supply. (It Doesn't Add Up).

we fight and i try and convince you that's what couples do. all your friends that i swear are bad news.
and it's sad when it's myself i lose, but you help me through.
so i find my soul and i'm reminded of what makes me tick,
all while these hinges feel on the brink of breaking.  so the door can open and
there's no mistaking i'll have the whole view.  uninterrupted.  i'm feeling so lucky - and you've never seen me cry so you swear i don't.
and between the lies we're all something else.  but mine is either all used up or stored stuffed within.
and i'm not sure which it is.
and when i'm on the toilet on my laptop, i realize that all this technology does have a purpose.  social media makes me anxious and i'd rather read hard copies.
hard copies.
remember floppies?  funny though how none of it shocks me.  it's just a new way to steal to me.
but hard copies has meaning, did you pause there?  was it because i made you?  would you like this handwritten in a cute mead memo pad?  does it make you sad?
you just see pictures and the comments aren't off the cuff, they were thought up, edited, and tested on others.
quite honestly i just miss my mother. when i have a spare second she always comes to mind and i know you can't rewind, but you can make up, so i just need to take up, space with time that fills with her.  i'm seven years old again and when she's not around i know i'm looking for a filler, someone to act as.
somewhere though the lines blurred and i just started acting like everyone was her.  has it made me feel better?  i'm unsure, but i think it's pretty clever.  a cat with nine lives, my mind jives, the lines hide whatever is really there.  was really there.
really there is gone.  and i'm not even scared anymore. cause i've faired it all.

Monday, February 6, 2012

Board Up The Windows, A Storm Is Brewing

we're in the mess hall, and you're feeding off the anger you said your mother provided.  and you're sweating and it's dripping and the room is slowly shrinking and it's making everyone in it seem bigger.  and i'm wondering to myself if we're going to leave together like we always planned, before strangers cut into our dance. and i'm thinking of how i can be laying next to you and miss you, proof we succumbed to the distance.  and sometimes you make me feel like loneliness just can't be real, it's just a dream i sometimes have when you're not close enough around.

but what happened to the perfection, where did it run off to, and can we catch it?  i'm not quite sure we're even trying, and i'm just dying to know how you see things in me because i know i don't and i want to.  so badly you can single handily remark one sentence and it's utterly refreshing.  my hope skyrockets and time stops.  and our hapless nature is forgotten for an string of instances that seem longer than any monotonous daily routine we expose ourselves to. and maybe thats where the hope goes.  so dense in a couple seconds that we're left with little

we might have exhausted all of the past that we stored, and it got us far but it's running out and i'm scared to death you don't see it so you're not uneasy.  so i've been devastated the for a couple months now and i wish we'd set a date to start building because the demolition is over.  just waiting on the waste to be hauled off.  so the time has come, but we both have to see it, i can't be the only witness.  and i can't tell you, you have to realize yourself but i'm standing still as i wait for you to usher in new life.  i know i say things i don't mean at you, i just say them faintly because i sometimes mistake my fears as real.  it takes my breath away and it seems all we'll ever have is a past, and memories that are stale and can't even be remembered off hand, i have to reach and dig deep and when i pull them up i crash cause i'm so burned out and sad, worried there will never be new ones there.  it just reminds me how it used to be on tap, constantly falling right into our laps.

Monday, January 30, 2012

Writing In Concrete

i spend so much time on the verge of tears, and possessed by all my fears. aches that stake my mind to the ground, and nothing good can be found just lost and as it walks through the door more hope falls.  i torture my heart, i put it through fake scenarios i begin to care about and get lost in depression when i shouldn't have went there.  i love torment, and i stay doormat in life.  i'm tired from dying of other deaths i've seen take place, and i repeat the same mistakes, its not a give and take.  being robbed by my idea of norms and repetitive songs that carry me away. i get lost for days and when i return i see the static nature of myself that i hate so much and it quells any happiness i might have harnessed while lost.  and i'm looking for someone to compel me with the grandest gesture, one worth storing forever.  like writing in concrete.  making a mark but never coming back, but the entire world can see it, and you can visit, but you don't need to because you know it's there.

The Self-Worth I Long For, I'll Eat It Alive

love is what we define it as.  for me it is believing in someone, holding them in the highest regard because i see the effect they have on me is only positive and divine.  love is the reason for working that crummy job, for retiling the bathroom floor, for sitting through a double date, and it's what i think about before i pass out at night and what i wake up to, god willing.

love has been my reason for getting over all the love i've lost.  for everything i've seen walk out the door reminded me that it walked through the door in the first place.

much of what we try and plan for doesn't go the way we'd like it to.  and i've wondered who is at fault.  who can i blame?  the expiration date is definitely a best by date and the best has been over.  and i look back on the memories and i feel this grave emptiness inside me and i wonder how my life has become so fruitless.  i'm so intimidated by life, i'm reaching for anything to grasp onto and cling to because being alone is making me wildly sad. and to the people who care about me, i want to beg them not to, so i can give up and having nothing because i need to know if it can get worse. i want to live out of my car, and sit alone in the harsh cold reality of my loneliness.  i want it to gather so much dust so that i can't breathe without it choking me. and i wont wish i was dead, i'll be dead.  and i'll coast through the idiosyncrasies of my being and adjust when necessary so that i can take everything i want and leave the rest to rot and age without me.  i want to hold grudges and hurt people all in the destructive path of my selfishness. i want to hurt you, and i want you to not want to wake up tomorrow because of me.  i want that. i want to get fired from jobs and quit jobs while standing up for what i believe in.  i want to toast to the bad times, and relive the great times, without a hint of redundancy on its breath.

and when i'm about to die, i want to look into the clouds and feel the most sincere sense of self-worth.

with you at my side.

Get Off

life has somehow gotten away from me.  life. the thing we yearn for, the things i've always wanted.  what i know i should be working towards, and for.  i'm out on a deserted island and i'm not even curious about how to get off.  get off.

i'm looking for all the excuses to throw the towel in and walk away from dreams and ambitions thats used to keep me restless and anxious.  the focus was drained each and every time i pretended not to care, not to love.  i would keep it all on a leash, and in a split second i was blindsided and i let go, and it went off running.  the initial flash has got me unsure of any sort of next more, life if i take a step left i'm giving up that step right.  the consequences are finally evident and my heart tells me that a sign will appear.  maybe it has and i missed it with my head down, staring at my feet.  misunderstanding all the reasons they're motionless and my thoughts are disconnected and borderline ridiculous.

and maybe throwing it all away is really just starting fresh, and it's not such a terrible thing.  but everyone wants to make you feel that way.  maybe i should stop listening to the opinions i know other people with surely share if i take that step left.  maybe i should just consider my feelings on stepping left.  with my hands at my sides, i'm looking straight ahead, and finally not behind, and that's refreshing, probably the most progress i've made in ages.  i ambush myself with the future cause it's the only thing that could ever hold significance, but its haunting not knowing exactly what that significance is.  it's like a constant daydream that i'm lost in.  wondering what still going to be there when i wake up, wondering what was never actually there.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Love Only Loosely

my heart skips for a beat or two, it makes me think of you, and then i don't know what to do.  after, every mistake feels fresh, like it's the first time i've made it.  maybe i'm wrong, and it's because i'm so raw, that first layer of skin has been pulled off. and i always have to learn everything the hard way, even when i know better ways.  i love to make mistakes and drown in heartache for months without rest.  an expedition i subconsciously set out on to make things harder. so i don't get farther. for excuses to feel sorry.  and i'd tell you darling that i'm not so great, don't sweat the heartache you left me with, i'm convinced our sins were a wild thing of beauty.  but it resembled love only loosely.  it might be hard for you to picture, with all the pictures you possess, and how picturesque an appearance you appeared as.  the life you lead may be vile to me but i just hope you're truly happy.  not the kind that you need to flaunt, but the kind you keep vaulted away from the evil and the poisons of the environment, the kind you're everything but stifled with - actually exactly what we had. before you brought it down, making accusations then saying nothing, stuffing your mailbox with my pleas, wishing you to see the love between, i wondered how you could leave.  the biggest tease, you lost me, and it cost me, i want a divorce from me.  i need to stop talking, i need to pretend it's the morning before we ever met, before this horrid test. before you made me wish it dead.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012


lost, but in what way? it's hard to say.  i know what i want and whether i'll admit it to myself or not i have a pretty good understanding of what i'll need to do to make it all happen.  i've accumulated so many fears, in so little years, it ties me down and makes times feel infinite. but it is as definite as all my losses.  sometimes i wonder where it all goes, up in the air, or down in the ground.  either way it's not around.  every so often i can imagine it all at arms length and i always jump down its throat and ask it where it ran off to.  it just stares me down, it's never coming back around, and i know exactly why.  being static makes people unhappy and maybe we don't ever really change we just rearrange to answer the questions and make us feel settled.  so people just steal what isn't all theirs.  bonds break and people take their half, i just stare off into space cause i really can't take another heartbreak, and it feels very real.  i didn't plan it this way, i thought that we would stay as one unit, but i guess i didn't know what i was doing.  i just wish i knew how you felt, this is all the hand you dealt, and i'll never know why.  yet, i've come up with a dozen reasons for you leaving, but all of them have me believing that you'll be back, i still think you give a crap, at least a little, it's so chilling thinking otherwise, or picturing you with other lines and what you told, they weren't lies just time capsule words where you had our future told.
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