pain is a tremendous burden, but it is warrented. and i could say that it molds us, or shapes us, but the truth is that isn't painful enough. it carves us, and pieces of ourselves go missing, they need to for us to become what we've set to become. something instills this pressure on us, until a piece of us breaks off, and is no longer with us. pain is an obstacle, but not one you can just get over, you must learn to accept and live with it. you can't magnify it, or reason it - it just is.
and you might ask where does all the time go, like it's run out, but if you're saying that then there are still moments that you can grasp and seize, moments that you can make your own, and ones you can identify as part of you. and you want to keep it that way forever. you can't run and be scared of what you've lost, you have to learn to let go of the missing pieces, the pieces that have been lost that way you can be you again. it might not be exactly the you that you remember, but you have to pray that its one you can live with. and the fact that these pieces have gone have made new parts of you visible, and they can get air and be seen and tried out. and change is necessary, or else we'd all just stay the same, maybe you get worse to get better. don't ask me, i'm not sure what it's all for.
it's kind of like this, have you ever wanted to forgot something, and then you finally do, and you sort of wish you could recall it. we have to be careful of what we cast aside, sometimes it seems like the only way, but hanging on is okay too. just be sincere, or try, or at least to yourself in the mirror, repeat the truth. beat yourself with the things you need to survive, it's not outlandish it's incandescent. you'll light up the room, full of all the forgotten you's it took to survive. while embarassment may lurk in the shadows, don't let it restrain you, a mistake many have made. and their future is chock full of bashful moments where they don't themselves from an atypical stranger passing on the street. and due to this they reach out to anyone, but primarily to those who have no roots in the world.
Sunday, September 22, 2013
I can't wait to get to you, and when i do, i press the news. i want the latest, i don't actually wanna know any of the details, i just want the general idea. how far away did you stray, how much did i get in the way? did you think of me as often as i thought of the end of what was my life. i had always pictured us together, for as long as i can remember. the pedestal i placed you on has cracked and smells of mold, but you know i didn't toss it out i used it so i could make a match and place you back where you belonged. and i'm telling you the world laughed in my face as i sung the same old song. about you and me and ecstasy. and i bargained with the lord, i told him i would take the path that they all assumed i'd take, and that i'd try my best and all the festering pain from all the losses, i would no longer let it get to me. i promised i'd screw it up and get it off my scent and it would never come back and haunt me. and if it did i'd call in the worlds greatest ghost hunter and i'd commit a sin with the witchcraft to scare the demons away. but i never minded confession, it teaches me a lesson every time, about me, the me minus you. and now that i'm getting older i find it so hard to believe that nothing has changed, i'm still a sap and i still like it that way. i'll tell you though, i put all my mistakes, and miscues in a coffin and i buried them with the best of me, uhh i mean the worst of me. yeah i tossed it, it was right after i lost it all, it was like a car accident, the adjuster told me i should start over, but i grabbed him by the balls and i told him that life is never about giving up, it's about putting up, and rising to the occassion. that day i felt like a raft on the most dangerous of white water trails, cause i had to hand it to him, taking the easy way sure looked ripe, and nice and it didn't smell so noxious like doing the right thing does. but i've always been someone who has myself convinced that no matter how great the sinner, the deeds of the past aren't so much a mold for the future as they are a reminder of how standard you can actually be. and i got away with it for sometime, but it mostly served as a phone call to my future self, a warning. now i'm longing for a clean slate, a fresh start, a new beginning, let me get past the sinning masochistic ways that made me who i was for too long. self deprecation had its reign, and now i'll allow myself to heal.
Monday, February 11, 2013
if years from now you tell a lover that i'm the reason you won't trust another, i'll understand. and baby if you ache for me, but can't stand the sight of me, i'll understand. and if sometimes in a dream, you breathe, and you don't see, but you know it's me, i'll be there. and when you awake with tears in your eyes and a mind filled with mistrust and misgivings, i'll take responsibility. oh yeah, i'll be there. and i know i didn't share every failure and misfortune because i didn't think you could handle it. meanwhile you're the only one who ever had a handle on me. and it wasn't so much control as it was love, baby i was there. and i was there for you, as much as i could, and i could be cliche and tell you i gave you all i got, but that just wouldn't be the truth. i gave what i wanted, and took what i needed, and the entire time i dismissed you to the dark. and you threw around accusations, but there was never justice. after you i know there'll be no lusting. you allowed me to live within this life of paper cutouts and one liners, shiners from the fist fights where i just stood still and waited for time to resume. and my apologies were well fed and heavy, but they couldn't make up for the feelings i ended. and you had a box of excuses, you put me through it, and i started a shoo in - and baby you'll remain right there. but we ended it all with a futile attempt to resurrect from death the sheath that blanketed us from what we really were. we turned to disguises because we couldn't bare to be mad at one another at face value, a place so shallow. we got caught up in the roles, keeping up with the couples, and this is where we are at the moment. but maybe it we slow it down, we can turn it around, come out from the cover. i always want you to be he company i keep, not a company i need, not a profit i seek, but a locked-in between two of us, and baby that's where we'll be.
Thursday, January 17, 2013
i find myself being just an extension of you, and it puts me up in cloud nine, eerily close to heaven. and you beckon. since we've been together i've learned the meaning of the word guilt, and i apologize. i've never believed that people change, but i can somewhat see it now in myself which gives the idea a heartbeat. you came from a part of me that swooned toward reconciliation, of an us. where i had never needed anybody, or at least trained my conscious mind to live "as though", you are the opposite. it's written all in the pages of your past, your words devouring mine about love and commitment. i fell in love, and i didn't care who you were, because i just yearned for something new sculpted out of your blossoming take on utopia. and the visionary in you is what reeled me in, and i knew it would be brilliant and not diffident. now i raid my own concepts and perspectives and align them with yours. i've never been more fond of an innocence i am now living in. and your company is ripe and when i find it sour it lasts less than an hour. in those moments i'm more bleeding my past inconsistencies and torment, it's not that i'm unhappy with you. our divided times are meaningless and bring me little to boast about, but you decry that fact that i sometimes do. i haven't yet told you hunny, but i'm human. my condolences to your aching ego that had thought it scored itself the supreme being, and i'm never quite sure if you just envisioned me as such or just mistaken me as. regardless i know now after all these months that i will never live up to the potential you see, what's in me is flat. i'm dizzy and not to be trusted, and with you parading your opinions about me the revolt that never was suddenly has itself a spark. and you warn me. but i try and explain that with no accelerant i'll always be standing next to you. and you won't notice that i'm solid waste until my charm wears off and resentment runs circles around us and laps the love. i trust that our togetherness is nothing temporary, and you should get on board. faith is a powerful tool, it's what i use. it determines what will come of.