Tribulation (The Trouble) < Trials (The Attempt)

here with you, but off to the side, after days the pain subsides
i watch you with the fury of all the bitter days

but handling it can only surely save me

from the candid pain

walking through the doors, i walk a step behind

living in the last season, there's still so much to find

i'm in a bout of rain, that i bring to the engagements
that only seems to stop when snow hits the pavement

my suicidal thoughts, while branching off from lavish lessons

erupt with flimsy reason, slams me to the prior season
while in this backward motion, i continue on
i never get to rid of you, my face red as i recite
this awful situation back to the pages in my diary
it's like reading a future where repetition's not easy
one day after then next, all filled with fear
jumping off the pages are solemn scenes,
with all the same faces
i erase and rip them up to save me from imitation

but

i want to ask you simple questions

given with a steady voice

without all of the flowery emotion

you've heard so much before

The Votes Are In: My Problem Is?

i just had this crazy thought about how i've spent probably the last 5 years or so trying to "quit" certain things. i use quotes because as hard as i usually try, and some people closest to me might say that it isn't very hard, the results are always shameful. just to give you a small glimpse into these past 5 years the things plaguing me have ranged from your ordinary cigarettes, alcohol, nail biting, pot, excessive t.v. and cursing to more bohemian things such as being in any way rude, losing my belongings, saving garbage, and being too friendly and trustworthy (btw very difficult if you just are that type of person and i eventually decided that it would take a lifes journey to turn that around). i sort of realized that this process/system, whatever you wanna call it, has NEVER worked for me so why do i continue to try. of course here you can insert such phrases as "never give up", "keep moving forward", "one step back but two steps forward". however we all smell the bullshit of such phrases and i dont think i've ever really heard one of these and suddenly a war was waged against myself and my pitfalls and i had that fire that i was lacking to slay my bad habits. HAHAHAHA.

okay so what i came up with is instead of QUITTING things in the future i'm gonna try and JOIN or BEGIN new things. crazy right?!?!?! i figure maybe my time spent on the new things will eventually lead to me phasing out the bad things. and hey, it's worth a shot.