"All Problems Just A Toy Balloon, They'll Be Bursting Soon"

i don't have any plans. i did watch 5 straight episodes of law & order svu today though.
i'm praying for a miracle. my hopes aren't high, and i'm not right now either.
i'm praying for a start, for a jump, for more.
i'm praying, and it sounds a lot like pleading.

i'm panting, i'm gasping, and i'm reaching.
deep down i know i can overcome anything with nothing. i know i'm blessed.

i fell off the bike but i'm gonna get right back on.
i'm toxic.

i got my tarot cards read and she said i'm self-sabotaging - i am.
change can happen with the right remedies.
i'm searching for them non-stop. it's hard without being eager.

i'm basking, i'm clawing, and i'm craving.
i threw out the blueprints, but i picked them from the garbage.
after, i jumped a chain link fence and my pants caught and tore.
i thought of my heart.

If I Die Before I Wake

i was laying down last night about to say my prayers - i start by doing the imaginary cross. the trinity. the father. the son. the holy spirit. my greatest religious influence happens to be Sammy Sosa, but i've always believed in the power of prayer so i continue on with the tradition. it removes me from the issues, and allows me a chance at hope.

last night though it occurred to me: might it be gravely disrespectful to lay down as a pray? and come to think of it anytime i've ever seen someone pray they're kneeling. at the edge of the bed - kneeling. in a church pew - kneeling. my stupidity rears its ugly head once again. and not before i briefly consider the fact of that matter is that i don't ask for much. usually just to ease the pain of my family/friends (i'm always real sure to make sure i use the word ease) and to dream of things that are gone. on the other hand though i've been answered at times. must be doing something right. maybe the idea of kneeling to me seems overly religious, passing my threshold as a religious being. i don't know. frankly the idea of someone walking in n me kneeling, praying frightens me. i'm almost embarrassed to say i'd be embarrassed.

now, that's embarrassing.

maybe it's okay not to kneel if you have hardwood floors, and weak knees. i mean i'm at least willing to give it a try. i think i'd find it more appropriate. maybe i should be more concerned with my corrupt thoughts (that was a joke) or lack of confirmation (that wasn't).

i'm gonna go google directions for praying.