On Hold

when is the moment you realize you have to give up, move on and/or push forward.
before it's too late.

a few years back, as part of growing up i engaged in a crime and was promptly arrested. it was nothing too serious, but i'll never forget waking up after the haze and the feeling i had. i wanted it to all be a bad dream. i felt defeated, and embarrassed. i didn't want to leave my room for shit. i wanted my mom to hold me in hopes that after i cried for hours i might just feel better, like i felt before the wake of this horrible incident. it was honestly like nothing i've ever felt before. that's why today as i was driving home from work i couldn't have mistaken it for the world. i just didn't understand why.

so i've come to realize that i've absolutely moved beyond reason and i spend an abundance of my spare thought time creating scenarios that are crippling. my only feeling is one of feeling like i can't feel anything. thing is, the pain doesn't consume me anymore, but when it comes, it's not just a wave, it's a tsunami and i feel like i want someone to stab me in the heart because it would just release a shit load of pressure that's been ready to explode out of my chest for too long.

i have no idea what i'm talking about. maybe this is the aftermath of the worst thing in the world. maybe it's just life and i have more to learn.