The Impossible Let Downs You Have To Admire

i keep listening to sad songs. if makes me feel better, like we're forever. and i'm not beyond you or myself so i know it's close to impossible. it's just i think life without you would be something similar to a yellow top hat, clear nonsense. i don't feel as stupid as i look, you must trust that. if i did i'd just stop, and believe you'd be waiting there telling me people will come and every thing will get done. but i won't believe anything, certainly not you. forever you've tested me and closely won. but i feel a fool for letting you get one up. if five years from now i'm still making the wagers and you can't even do a simple favor things could be real clear. like the glass or diamond you're set to steal. and right now i'd love to say "fuck my life" but i know that's not the case. i have so much more to set aside, to let you see that i'm not that fucked up individual you burnt and let free. i guess fuck you this is more about me.

i got on the escalator, coffee in hand. i could see that it was raining outside so i needed to zip my jacket up. i put the coffee down on the step ahead of me and turned my attention towards the zipper. i struggled to get the zipper up. the escalator was getting closer to the top as each second passed.

I Just Don't Know Anymore

my mom always tells this story about how when i was a kid my family would go on vacation, and they'd leave me behind. i was too young. she said i would stare out the window hysterically crying, watching them leave. wishing they'd turn back towards home and take me with them. hoping maybe it was all a sick joke - them leaving me behind.

a part of me still feels like that little kid.
wondering where everyone went.
hoping they'll come back for me.

On The Horizon

my days all feel the same
wonder-less and bland
if only i could change
life would grab my hand

running through the wood
and laying on the grass
he'll tell me all that's good

and then we would march,
hands held - beyond
that silly horizon that seems
something similar to stone

we'd continue to chase
that line of space

Musings To You

"i can't believe you ruined my life. actually i can't believe i let you ruin my life. or am letting you ruin my life. nah i never even had a life. not one to really ruin anyhow. i mean i put ice in my milk for christ's sake. i bet someday in the future i might though. and people think i'm pessimistic, i'm not pessimistic. well i'm hardly pessimistic. or at least i'm not pessimistic just for the hell of it. that McDonalds commercial right now. haha. a beefy McDouble or a juicy McChicken. anyway the entire thing is like when you finish the cereal and its good and bad. because on one side the cereals all gone, but on the other side you don't have to put it away. you know what it is, i've been biting my nails until they bleed and lately when i wake up i feel really weak like a might throw up. i need to know what i'm doing wrong. i strive to know. maybe i should set a deadline, i'm behaving like a skitzo. talking to myself like this, especially when i'm convinced i'm talking to you. you know what my problem is, i took everything you said so literally. as fact. how stupid can one person be. the truth is if i could just get over it, that maybe you're not the end all be all, i'd be okay. i try and tell myself that it's a wide world and there just has to be people as good, but then i think of you. in a word i'd call you supple. i know it doesn't sound flattering, but it's you, and it's why i love you. the whole thing makes it hard for me to breathe. i must say i have to take it slow or else i'd be gone. oh god, when i think of you i don't wanna leave the house, i mean i already feel stranded so nothing would change. except the nonsense where i play around. i need to sit still. and maybe find someone who'd sit with me."

I Want To Stand Up And Shout About Everthing That Hurts

i hear your conversation. my ex this and my ex that. the lawyer bills, the house he bought without even telling you. the final straws. i'm not really sure what it all means, but it was depressing as heck hearing it. especially when all i can think is how lucky you were to at least have someone for whatever amount of time to be there. to be yours. to be on the same team.

so what if it faded.

i'm not sure where i stand. so happy to be here, but feeling so dismal. everyday aches by. i'm surrounded by torment. all derived from you, and not that you're at fault, but i think i'd do better without seeing you. you know i'm really nothing. i bet you breathe it everyday, and i'm just sitting here wishing that you'd just go away. i think of the dullness i project, i don't know how you even deal. god if i were you i'd be gone, i'd cut my ties from everything like me. things even reminiscent of me i'd write off and kick to the curb. and in the morning i'd wake up, rejoice, and remember all that promise i probably thought i had. but because i'm actually me, like every other day, i'd let it die, let it go.

i see right through myself.

Fuck FedEx, It's The USPS

i've been frequenting the post office almost twice weekly these days, in an attempt to sell all my belongings so i can put off getting a real job and make my switch to buddhism a bit easier down the line. i've seen a beautiful array of situations take place and i've wanted to write about each of them. i wanted to write splendid paragraphs that could prove Lawrence Kohlberg completely wrong. america still has morals. my writings would detail the random acts of kindness and merry humor i've witnessed as i wait in line on an average of 15 minutes per visit.

something strange happens when you enter the post office, its like a world warp or something. maybe each one of them there is a veteran of these lines that move slowly but effortlessly. maybe they engage themselves here because they do no where else. lending what little spirit they have left to the rest of the room. i don't really know the physics behind it. but to sum it up, i've seen racial boundaries passed, and old people that felt young.

but yesterday it was better than all that.

there was a lady, a woman, a caregiver. she was with a man, could have been a brother, friend. it's really unimportant. he was handicapped, using a walker. taking a step back for every two steps forward. his hands were shaky. i looked to his eyes though, i wanted to feel his pain, i wanted to see what it looked like. a man robbed of normalcy. but when i saw his eyes there was no pain, there was a tender and warm happiness. i saw he was in high spirits, but i figured he was masking the real pain, but it just wasn't there.

she was an inch short of ecstatic.

he asked her if she could hold the door.
she said no, never, i will not do it.
as she was holding it wide open.
it couldn't have been opened any wider.
he, at a crawls pace, got through the door.

A Golden Error

i would have been better off in a time period where things weren't about square feet and crash test ratings. something about carelessness i love, and something about ambition i hate. ambition is a really nice way of making the rat race seem worthy of my time. how far past satisfaction is ambitious?

probably too far.

and what really are achievements besides inventions we've played out as such. i'm unconvinced of the conventional and current definition of success. does a dollar sign have to be attached? or an accolade?

maybe they do. it's the easy system for comparison. our best friend.

If You Can't See It, It Can't See You

i think about the distance we worked so hard to create
we thought would keep us safe
and it was all in good faith

you with all your friends, the ones i never met
standing at the basement stairs
i wonder if you'll descend

i'm at home alone, in my complacent room
away from all the clamor
you taught me to distaste

i'm just wondering
-the distance
-was it a mistake?