I'm Not Sure Where I Went, But I Know Where I'll Be

i never once was hurt by you. i never receded, or retreated. i thought i did well in such a backwards position. you said more than i ever could, but still i'm the one credited with the spectacle. now i'm unsure of what direction to take, if any. i was once solid, god it seems like it's been forever, an old memory on the back burner, barely mentionable. and stability is so much more when you're avoiding life daily. sometimes when i close my eyes i see your face, and we go to the marsh with the cloudy rebellious water, where we could never be seen. i contemplate how past too far i let all the feelings linger, and dissolve my chance at any normal days. i continue, would it have been the same had i acted differently? i fell into plans that never panned out, i was naive, and i followed the bait you ambitiously spoke about. but why? you let me in on your little secret several times, but i still couldn't step away from the impending rush of hostile emotion i knew i'd get from you. i took a deep breath, and let it pass. and does anyone else know how fake your friendliness is? i fell for it. i did for everything though. once i thought about getting a sponsor. to call, when you know, i wanted to call you. and i once met a man on the street, was gonna ask him. he noticed i was wandering not being pulled in any direction and he told me "there's no bad influences, just you". and my god i never turned so fast around, i thought you were tapping me on the shoulder. had to have been a sensual hallucination. it then dawned on me that's all you ever were. i was just the fool who took the drug.