Just Ask Me Nicely

hey, it's meghan.  i just wanted to check in and see how you are.  dammit i hate these voice mails, i always sound so stupid no matter what i'm saying.  but screw it, i miss you.  the hurt is an open wound in my soul, and when the sunsets and i fall asleep - i'm only at peace.  i didn't tell anyone what happened, well a few - but damn it hurts so bad someone has to hear.  i care about you in an almost motherly way, which is interesting, because i'm usually selfish.  but with you i worry something could happen, awful and unstoppable - i could never imagine mourning your loss, i'd have to mourn mine first -you piss me off though because i don't think you comprehend the ways you've so greatly changed every substantial ounce of once pitiful being - and i'm gentle now, maybe even kind sometimes.  after this though i've gone back to being mental, only not so tied up and relied in warm bodies i try and grow with.  you have me so angry sometimes i laugh, even that blows off steam.  you got me so happy, but i squander the joy, cause i've put up these walls where i truly believe i'm not something worth caring for, i'm not even bearable, and in my own skin i think i need a demolition, it would go rather quickly, i'd just have to clear all the rubble left from the several lives i've lead - student, alcoholic, addict, manic, heavyhearted, dumb founded, open minded, failure, bastard, retired, branded, bonded, clouded, aching, forsaking, love making, bread baking, heart attack faking, jaded, witness - and i've insisted on keeping all the pieces. up 'til now.  anyway the point is i can't go on much longer like this, we have to change everything.  if there's a way i could make this easy i'd find it and put it straight into action - but life is a puzzle where pieces don't fit, can't be found, or are missing.  i'm just sorry to you for my very existence. call me when you get this - we're magic and we'll make it happen.