Sunday, February 2, 2014

The Flat Minds Who Passerby

   i minded my business for so long, i've forgotten how to approach you. and i imagine you're still the same but as soon as i'm close enough to get a look i'm scared and i back off. yes, i know you say it everyday i betrayed your trust, but i'm truly sorry, and when will that be enough. you know it's nothing i can make up. or take back.  i've spent a year trying to make it up to you and i've gotten no where. and someone said to me the other day that people don't leave where they're loved and now i wonder if that's why you've stuck around. i'm just a thorn in your side, but i love you, and maybe you've grown used to the pain. i ask for more though. i want more. let me see you when you're vulnerable, it's been so long. i wiped away a hundred tears, but it never mattered because i brought them all on. those tears that i founded, and i can't express how much it hurt me to see them. and maybe everything with us has always been too real, and maybe its time to let go, but neither of us have prepared, and so we're stuck in a sticky sort of purgatory. it's only a matter of time before one of us stumbles upon something we're willing to walk away for. it might not even be better, just new and overflowing with promise and possibility. and it might wreck us individually because we invested so much that we had nothing left on an independent level. is that what broke us down? i mean up? will you ever be mine again?

     when we're in the same room, nothing can keep me away from you. and yet, during our time together there were these unexplainable transgressions on my part where i lost the ability to see what was right in front of me. you held me so close and tight until i broke loose for minutes we can never get back, the ones where the mistakes i made take place. and from your point of view they stained everything that came before, and everything to come. i took up walking, the fresh air did me good, but mostly i couldn't stand to be in the room that i lost you in. at least the one where i physically felt you give up. the rust shattered, and the pictures all fell. the momentum of your letting go proved so spontaneous and blunt, that i never stood a chance at understanding. and i'm not sure if any of what i'm about to say is true but for me, at that moment (the one where i lost everything) you gained enough to find things that you never even thought to look for. i turned into a shadow, cast by you, yet overlooked and left alone. my heart ached and i prayed that you could once again cast a light on me and and use it to stop seeing all the horrific things i did to hurt you. i feel the punishment has had its place in the back of my head, where its taken up residence, and it lacks gratitude in its stay there. but who am i to send it out on it's own. and we're both so sincerely feeble, but i force us out to the front yard, and it's there where we start playing double dutch. it's hard with only the two of us, but we're determined and tie the rope to the ugliest tree in the yard. and everyone walking the block has a misguided judgement about us being immature and cozy, complacent. what they don't know is everytime the rope passes by our faces we take in a misfortune, then we spit it out. and the turns of the rope take forever for us. we want to reach out and stop the game, but we're buried with guilt and the spectacle helps.

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