In Love, I Fell

my memory of you, it was this time last year - i fell in love with you, somewhere between going to your house and the drinking. you would cook hot dogs in the microwave and tell me i could never be fat. i got restless sleeping on the floor, hiding under covers chilled, and i left before the dawn. this was before i lost our solidarity.

after, i wake up now in the middle of sleeping and all i feel is an emptiness. kind of like what you told me about when what's her face left.

and when with you by chris brown comes on the radio i feel his villains, but mostly my own.

A Spectacle

rip jade goody (1981-2009)

not that i ever watched her for a second on tv (i heard she's a real pisser though), but i'm an avid perezhilton.com reader and when i first saw her all bald and looking like death my infatuation began. the one where i spent many minutes of the day wondering, not if, but when she's gonna die. and met with the possibility of a miracle, while beautiful, wasn't the happy ending i wanted. terminal is the word i fell in love with. it meant the end, and i was gonna have a front row seat as goody (respectably, if possible) whored herself out to the media. god bless you girl. today though i could finally relax, because goody passed away yesterday.

i would raise a glass to jade goody for working those muthafuckin media folk like no one before or after will!

but in closing i'd like to say i do feel a deep sadness for her small children, and husband. goody was a representation of reality tv. she earned her living off it, even in death. now her kids can have some financial flexibility. someone faking compassion might object that this isn't what's important right now but, but in reality it is. and the reality of life is death so who better to document it than goody.

Looking Older All The Time, Feeling Younger In My Mind

oh man.

last night i'm with my two friends who work with small children. one is swim instructor and one is a elementary school student teacher. as we're relaxing i suddenly feel myself far removed from the conversation as it turns it's attention towards "their" kids (both of them have become very possesive, you'd think they carried all 30 somewhat kids for 9 months - yack). but they say the kids are just terrible sometimes and especially if they're in bunches and without a strong authoritative figure. they're running all over so fast, zipping right by you, kickballs flying everywhere, screaming, yelling, and the whole nine yards.

and i don't hear another word they say because in my head i'm doing a comparison between the kids just described, and this kid - me. i wondered why a 20 year old like myself felt as if i was just described. i thought about when i was 10, and how that was 10 long years ago, and i asked myself what has changed. i still feel the same chaos around me and i still feel small. although currently i am college student, i was drinking a beer, my car was parked out front, i hold a part time job...are these just our ways of faking it? these are supposed to be the things that make me older? and then i looked down and i was worried because i was wearing the same sneaker i wore when i was 10. of course they are different colors, maybe a little bit bigger in size, but the same model none the less. they are adidas sambas in case you cared, a good shoe design that has obviously withstood the test of time.

but will i?

"Her Cycle Leaked"

i work at a dry cleaners and i mean people always think like "ew you touch peoples dirty clothes", and for the most part no. you'd be crazy to think that people bring in dirty clothes to get clean, these are borderline clean clothes. sometimes folded. okay so there is the occasional cat piss, cat puke, cat whatever - and you can tell all your cat loving friends that preach about how clean cats are that the majority of animal related stains are from cats - but you just hold the corner and try not to breathe through your nose, no big deal. and i think mothballs are an acquired scent, if you will.

the phone rings at the cleaners, i pick up. on the other line is a young girl looking for my manager, i can tell she's in a pickle. she is very hesitant on the phone and for at least 30 seconds all i heard was sighs and heavy breathing, until she finally says she has a customer with a stain on her pants. just getting that out of her took forever. after i had to twist her arm to hear why the hell she's calling she tells me "this customers cycle leaked and she doesn't want a man to see it so we're gonna send it over in a separate bag with a note for Cindy". did i really just hear that? what a fucked up choice of words...her "cycle leaked". i wanted to tell her it sounded like a personal problem. but at the same time if your "cycle" wasn't leaking wouldn't that be bad? i kinda think leak is a word reserved for plumbing issues. and the second part about not wanting a man to see it...like whaaaaaaaaat the hell, only one woman works at my job and if you think shes gonna like hand wash your period stains out and not be totally repulsed you've lost it...or probably never had it to begin with.

after all this at the end of our conversation she asks me to repeat it all back to her. so i say "you got pants with a period stain you're gonna send them over separately". she then sighs for what seems like forever and says "never mind i'll just call Cindy in the morning".

run away, run away

i think about running away soon. i would cross state lines, go by a different name, and pick up solitaire. i wouldn't make any friends because i wouldn't talk to a soul. i'd resort to pick pocketing and black market sales in the beginning. i'd scour the streets with my head down looking for cigarette butts and complain about big brother and the welfare state. all my despair would reach the surface and start spilling over. i'd make it a point to get drunk everyday before noon, and if someone asked me how i was i'd snap back that i'm better than them. i'd triumph over the enslaved bourgeoisie with my self-reliant tendencies. i'd then find work as a store clerk and with that i'd rediscover the weekly paycheck. i would then take my earnings down to the closest theater and i'd see a movie. i would go alone and i'd be more than happy to do it.

i wouldn't wonder how i could feel so lonely, for once i'd know.

when i was re-released back into my old stomping grounds i'd notice everything was just as i had left it. and i'd slowly slink back to my old ways. several years later i'd struggle trying to recount the time i left life.

The Vernal Equinox

i was just on my way back to class waiting to cross the street when this cute little old lady next to me remarked what a disgusting day it was. i nodded my head but just told her nicer weather was on the cusp and spring would be here soon. and then i felt weird because i was being all optimistic, and lets just say i haven't worn that face in a while.

and then i had another thought. spring might see the end of that little old lady.

and then i had another thought. wouldn't a t-shirt reading "my grandma died and all i got was this shirt" be really funny? or should i seek professional help?

Once You Pop!

for me it's really the little things that i witness that get me through the day. i was at starbucks the other day preparing for an exam later in the day when i saw someone bringing their bicycle in. everything about it was normal at first glance. i always stare at bikes because i've kinda always hung onto this small pipe dream that one day in the future i'll be a premiere cyclist. anyway, when i looked over at the place on the frame where you hold your water bottle there was no water there, in it's place was a container of pringles. which by the way fit perfectly in the spot making it feel like a norm, almost like every other cyclist on the road carries that can of pringles when they're trekking uphill and need a boost of energy. anyway after i saw it i couldn't stop smiling for minutes.

and the last time that happened was a couple months back when i got off the train and i was trying to stare at somebody, but without them noticing so i was keeping my head stationary and just moving my eyes. of course about 2 seconds into this maneuver i walked right into a giant pillar. which WOAH brings me to something else: PUSSYFOOTED [meaning stealty or cautiously walking], which apprently i am not...i had never heard the word up until yesterday but my sister says it is frequented in rap songs.

i guess what i'm trying to say is if you see pringles where water should be, let your guard down and smile.

Another One Bites The Dust

people will let you down is what you hear all the time. it really doesn't matter though because it's still always a shock when it happens.

today i found out that this 65 year old man was trying to sabotage me, making room for him to get back hours where we work. my heart sunk when i heard the news. even though he knows not a word of english we've been working together for over four years and i thought our relationship to be a good one. he would always help me out with the work to be done and i would share lunches with him. however, more recently as the economy seems to get worse everyday my boss has had to cut his hours. thus forcing me to do his job because the business has slowed so considerably i've had a lot of free time on my hands. since i have to stay until 7pm to help customers and close the store it made sense for me to take over his job that way he could go home. i mean yes it sucks obviously he is losing money and hours but isn't it better than losing your job? and i mean to put my job in jeopardy by constructing fake errors within my work is an act fueled by greed. i'm downright flabbergasted and altogether hurt. it really is a dog eat dog world. [sigh].

Buyer Beware: Granny Exploitation

vending machines are a wonderful tool for society. they cut out that real life merchant middle man that nobody wants to look at or deal with. plus all the selections are so evenly spaced and at a good height for viewing, making snack selection easier than at your local 7-11 where all the candy looks like the men or woman aboard a triangle trade slave ship. this is totally irrelevant but just to show you how far the vending machine industry has come you can look to my college, CUNY Baruch, where the "healthy" snacks are labeled so with a green plastic front piece around the first spiral of the coil.

wait, now it seems as if i'm tooting the horn of the vending machine. there are a few downsides that i'll touch upon extremely briefly. sometimes they eat your money and no one within 25 miles can help you or ever get your money back. the selection is very finite and can range in quality from great to terrible. also, its like a ancient form of torture when they decide they're not taking bills.

that was all just me on a tangent, hope you found my opinions interesting. i should have put a note in the first paragraph that read "jump down to paragraph 4 if you have no interest in my feelings on vending machines".

here is how the vending machine fits into everything. just days ago i was fooled by some clever trickery's. i'm a BIG fan of oatmeal raisen cookies. i just love raisens, you could cover one in molasses call it a moose track and i'd probably love it. so when i went to vending machine and saw two soft oatmeal raisen cookies packaged together in plastic with a nice wholesome granny on the front i knew i had made my selection. problem is the cookies sucked. they were bland and tasted nothing like the cookies the lady on the cover of the package would have whipped up. i was just disappointed in myself for falling into the grandma trap because had anything else been on the cover i would have played it safe and opted for the puffed cheese doodles.

[Insert Billy Joel River Of Dreams Lyrics Here]

last night i went to bed early, and lately i find myself asleep before 11pm. it's not like i'm tucked in, i've just been passing out when i don't even want to. i wouldn't even mind except usually before i go to sleep i'll prepare for the next day by charging my electronics, setting out my clothes and checking that certain necessities (keys, headphones, hw, etc.) are all packed away where they need to be. i don't leave myself much time in the morning and i get anxiety if i think i'm gonna be late or unprepared for school.

so, when i woke up in the middle of the night and looked to the left where i had envisioned my red hat to be i slipped into a bit of a panic when it wasn't there. at first i just shuffled the covers around and checked the usual places. as the panic elevated i began to feel a heightened sense of insecurity, but i keep good tabs on that hat so i knew it had to be home. after looking in virtually every possible place i grabbed my keys, threw on my black hoodie and sneakers and went outside to check my car. as i walked back to my house empty handed and dejected i realized the severity of the situation. here i was outside at 2am in the freezing cold snow, on the verge of tears, ready to collapse, searching for a hat that hasn't done much for me lately. i knew i was in trouble as i stared up into the sky because i'm not much of a believer and i didn't really expect an answer, but i asked anyway - why do i feel like i just lost my best friend?

oh yeah, i did.

i went back inside, more somber than before but still just a little more accepting of the situation - maybe the hat was better off without me. i guess i woke my mom up in the ruckus. when she came out of her room i asked if she'd seen the hat, i told her it was lost. moms especially always seem to know where m.i.a. belongings are, and mine is no different. although from prior circumstances i've concluded it's usually because she rifles through my crap and puts it back where she pleases. anyway, she said no, and probably aware of my hysteria headed right into the bathroom without any further word. i went back into my room and turned the light on, i figured i wasn't gonna be able to fall back asleep now. then i looked at the bed again, i moved it out from against the wall, and there on the dusty floor lay my hat. it amazed me that it had strayed so far from me in the course of mere hours while i was helpless and asleep. i understood though that sometimes when you least expect it you lose something. not that you wanted to lose it, not that you stopped holding it any tighter, but because it wanted to get lost. i felt betrayed by the hat, but was still relatively happy to have it back.