[Insert Billy Joel River Of Dreams Lyrics Here]

last night i went to bed early, and lately i find myself asleep before 11pm. it's not like i'm tucked in, i've just been passing out when i don't even want to. i wouldn't even mind except usually before i go to sleep i'll prepare for the next day by charging my electronics, setting out my clothes and checking that certain necessities (keys, headphones, hw, etc.) are all packed away where they need to be. i don't leave myself much time in the morning and i get anxiety if i think i'm gonna be late or unprepared for school.

so, when i woke up in the middle of the night and looked to the left where i had envisioned my red hat to be i slipped into a bit of a panic when it wasn't there. at first i just shuffled the covers around and checked the usual places. as the panic elevated i began to feel a heightened sense of insecurity, but i keep good tabs on that hat so i knew it had to be home. after looking in virtually every possible place i grabbed my keys, threw on my black hoodie and sneakers and went outside to check my car. as i walked back to my house empty handed and dejected i realized the severity of the situation. here i was outside at 2am in the freezing cold snow, on the verge of tears, ready to collapse, searching for a hat that hasn't done much for me lately. i knew i was in trouble as i stared up into the sky because i'm not much of a believer and i didn't really expect an answer, but i asked anyway - why do i feel like i just lost my best friend?

oh yeah, i did.

i went back inside, more somber than before but still just a little more accepting of the situation - maybe the hat was better off without me. i guess i woke my mom up in the ruckus. when she came out of her room i asked if she'd seen the hat, i told her it was lost. moms especially always seem to know where m.i.a. belongings are, and mine is no different. although from prior circumstances i've concluded it's usually because she rifles through my crap and puts it back where she pleases. anyway, she said no, and probably aware of my hysteria headed right into the bathroom without any further word. i went back into my room and turned the light on, i figured i wasn't gonna be able to fall back asleep now. then i looked at the bed again, i moved it out from against the wall, and there on the dusty floor lay my hat. it amazed me that it had strayed so far from me in the course of mere hours while i was helpless and asleep. i understood though that sometimes when you least expect it you lose something. not that you wanted to lose it, not that you stopped holding it any tighter, but because it wanted to get lost. i felt betrayed by the hat, but was still relatively happy to have it back.