On The Cusp Of Greatness, I Just Need A Landing Spot

i'm gonna try here, really hard, but my thoughts are so disorganized lately - so incomprehensible that i'm unsure if i can even write a coherent blog post. i'll try for the sake of trying though.

i wanna start by saying,

the worst part is, life does go on. i'd like it to stop cold in its tracks every time something happens, where i'm slow to recover. but it just continues. after one of those "this cant be happening moments" its unfair life goes on. after the worst, you'd want to die along side all your dead reality, or your fleeting dreams. next thing you know, it's years later and you're still at the scene assessing the repercussions but the scene has been long gone. and i'm just playing catch up where i'm being lapped.

here's a glimpse into how things have been for me lately,

i got off the train and i passed a bum and when i did he yelled back at me and i turned around, and he looked me up and down a little further and said "you know what, you remind me of someone i knew growing up." i had no idea what was about to come out of his mouth, this was a suburban bum mind you - a whole different animal. so to hasten this up i asked him who? he replied back a convincing "me."

i can't really tell you how i felt, but i wasn't surprised, i wasn't offended. it was more down, sad. wondering how i ended up here, at this exact moment - this bum telling me this, regretting everything before. it'd be dishonest to say i didn't revisit the incident several more times in my head the following days. and it became obvious shortly that i'd remember this forever.

leads me to another bum story,

i was walking down 5th avenue and there was an older gentleman bum hunched over, stationary. everyone was passing him like nothing was the matter, but something was the matter. i got close to him, and you never want to startle a bum because you don't really know what they'll do, so i gently touched his back and said "are you alright man?" he straightened out, stood up and said "yeah," and kept on walking. i just continued on my way, wondering if people were just looking out for themselves and i shouldn't be too cynical.

my grandma used to say "no good deed goes unpunished."

leads me to random acts of kindness,

before my final for psychology is about to start a lady is asking around for an eraser, no one has an extra. the girl next to her cuts her pencil's eraser in half and hands it over.

pay it forward.

and this,

my friends next door neighbor is dying, inoperable tumor and leukemia. he's around 80-years-old. her mom took her almost 3-year-old grandson over to see him, Chuckie, and his wife said it was the first time she'd seen him smile in days. i almost cried. i probably did later on.

and when i asked my friends mom why all the good people have to die, she told me the bad ones do too.

and that's that.

The Last Post Where I Stand

while on the road to ruin
i break from the harrowing path
not that i'll recover
i just didn't want to dash

my ambivalence spills over
i can't move any further

and where i stand, you're a paradox
you hold a wind chime high
and every time it sounds
i'm reminded of my feeble mind
the one that keeps me
-so far from moving on

oh but you're a well
and oh so deep below
i just wish i could cope
and meet you down your hole

so what's this quality of life?
feels as if a dull knife
is barely breaking skin
and i can't let you in

- when sometimes strangers seem so close
i bleakly share with them my curse
they look on with grim
and i can't let you in

I've Got These Scars That I'm Hiding From Times That I Should Have Died And I Drink To Remember Them All

i got a crack in my iPod screen, it's large and spans basically the entire screen. i dropped it right on it's face on a tile floor. i really wasn't as upset as i thought i'd be and i'll tell you why.

because although the screen is cracked it's a mere flaw. it still has all the same capabilities as it had before. now just with a reminder.

i looked at it, accepting the crack, and when i did i thought about myself. maybe sometimes things happen and you make it out okay, other times you're left with a scar, a crack - you didn't. you live with it. but you still have the same capabilities as before. before you screwed up momentarily, or were harmed and left permanently damaged.

it's all still there.

Mankind Takes Hikes

i know everyone needs their play. i see it in cracks and on roof tops. everywhere imaginable.

i just wish you could stand with me through all my glorious and rocky walks and take with you everything i have. maybe then you'd be less quiet and more committed to a life of love.

i repent nothing. and neither do you.

and aside from all the mock run throughs i was current with the news. you were too, but everything took for granted what we made of it. you call it all ridiculous, i hope you have no idea what that means. you say things like impossible, impractical - all i can say is grasp me like you want to and follow the heart you've bloated but have. permanence can't be a scapegoat, and i'm leaving, but i'll let you know my whereabouts so if one day you decide to change your mind come and find me.

Together We Could

i feel cranking and clanking on my insides

like there's a heavy piece of metal

terrified of moving anyway forward

i would like to stay in this moment

and i go numb

with the slightest stroke

the briskest touch

a week ago i felt your throat

at the back of my neck

and you swallowed

but i still couldn't

muster up anything

my worthless desires

are stationary and sit

i wish you

to my side

before i

-quit

I Am A Stump, And You Don't See It

driving back home, and oh god it hurts, but i'm fixated on the moon, and like that it doesn't move.

how i'd die for you to do the same.

and it's a daytime sky at the break of dusk, and i want to look at you, it feels something like a must. but i know if i do, i'll tear up and cry so i take deep breaths and instead think of the wry. i reach out and grab you and turn you to me, it's all in my head but it plays out beautifully. i stutter at the opportune time, as always i can't cross our line.

Two For The Show

i take rides from strangers, it's a little quirk of mine. i don't know if you've ever heard the term personal fable, but it something like that.
i just don't see it happening. that whole thing where you take a ride from a stranger and you end up chopped up, buried in a hole somewhere, deep in a wood.
i wonder what the real odds are yanno, like in terms of lightning. it's funny that's like the breadbasket of odds. "you have a better chance of being hit by lightning." well no shit. haha.
it's funny too because he had his laptop on his lap, driving, and i told him i might just be better off walking. nah, screw that.
i'll tell you though about odds, because one time i took a ride from this pizza delivery guy, and first off i never thought i'd see him again, and then i add on top of that if i did happen to run into him again i wouldn't recognize him worth a lick. but there he was ahead of me on line at 7-11. whatever the place is next door. he was wearing the shirt.