On The Cusp Of Greatness, I Just Need A Landing Spot

i'm gonna try here, really hard, but my thoughts are so disorganized lately - so incomprehensible that i'm unsure if i can even write a coherent blog post. i'll try for the sake of trying though.

i wanna start by saying,

the worst part is, life does go on. i'd like it to stop cold in its tracks every time something happens, where i'm slow to recover. but it just continues. after one of those "this cant be happening moments" its unfair life goes on. after the worst, you'd want to die along side all your dead reality, or your fleeting dreams. next thing you know, it's years later and you're still at the scene assessing the repercussions but the scene has been long gone. and i'm just playing catch up where i'm being lapped.

here's a glimpse into how things have been for me lately,

i got off the train and i passed a bum and when i did he yelled back at me and i turned around, and he looked me up and down a little further and said "you know what, you remind me of someone i knew growing up." i had no idea what was about to come out of his mouth, this was a suburban bum mind you - a whole different animal. so to hasten this up i asked him who? he replied back a convincing "me."

i can't really tell you how i felt, but i wasn't surprised, i wasn't offended. it was more down, sad. wondering how i ended up here, at this exact moment - this bum telling me this, regretting everything before. it'd be dishonest to say i didn't revisit the incident several more times in my head the following days. and it became obvious shortly that i'd remember this forever.

leads me to another bum story,

i was walking down 5th avenue and there was an older gentleman bum hunched over, stationary. everyone was passing him like nothing was the matter, but something was the matter. i got close to him, and you never want to startle a bum because you don't really know what they'll do, so i gently touched his back and said "are you alright man?" he straightened out, stood up and said "yeah," and kept on walking. i just continued on my way, wondering if people were just looking out for themselves and i shouldn't be too cynical.

my grandma used to say "no good deed goes unpunished."

leads me to random acts of kindness,

before my final for psychology is about to start a lady is asking around for an eraser, no one has an extra. the girl next to her cuts her pencil's eraser in half and hands it over.

pay it forward.

and this,

my friends next door neighbor is dying, inoperable tumor and leukemia. he's around 80-years-old. her mom took her almost 3-year-old grandson over to see him, Chuckie, and his wife said it was the first time she'd seen him smile in days. i almost cried. i probably did later on.

and when i asked my friends mom why all the good people have to die, she told me the bad ones do too.

and that's that.