Tribulation (The Trouble) < Trials (The Attempt)

here with you, but off to the side, after days the pain subsides
i watch you with the fury of all the bitter days

but handling it can only surely save me

from the candid pain

walking through the doors, i walk a step behind

living in the last season, there's still so much to find

i'm in a bout of rain, that i bring to the engagements
that only seems to stop when snow hits the pavement

my suicidal thoughts, while branching off from lavish lessons

erupt with flimsy reason, slams me to the prior season
while in this backward motion, i continue on
i never get to rid of you, my face red as i recite
this awful situation back to the pages in my diary
it's like reading a future where repetition's not easy
one day after then next, all filled with fear
jumping off the pages are solemn scenes,
with all the same faces
i erase and rip them up to save me from imitation

but

i want to ask you simple questions

given with a steady voice

without all of the flowery emotion

you've heard so much before

My Stature Without Protest

a wind chime through time
in an abyss with no wind
i wait for you to come
filled with dreams/stocked with sin

to start a current that stirs the air
a pesky breeze that changed the end
that flows around in a shrinking circle
starts up to me with my mouth wide open
and out comes hallowed shaded birds
they fall to the ground, their wings
- broke

where they land the abyss can't know
in the vacant black, in the dampness
with the rest of my cleared head

It's Only A Dream To Me - Convincingly

last night i saw you in my dream, not your face
but it was still complete enough for me, what i saw
it was so vague, all i remember is hugging your body so tightly
and i never wanted to let go, from there on
if that moment lasted through eternity, i'd let it burn through me
everything i needed was right there, it was the opposite of lonely
but not in company, filled with excitement as i tucked into you
and you enveloped me, overlapped we would be

so today when i saw you i was surprised, shocked and in awe
i kept quite and stayed close to myself, you were always in sight
and i wanted to let the love gush, to tell a total stranger i love
i couldn't. and now i give up.

so i remain the basin who's draining
everything from the dead to the present -
serendipitous moments comparable to heaven

In Three Parts

prelude:
sometimes you sit down and you tell me how you feel. i let you know the feelings they will fade. that's when you usually take a deep breath and don't exhale. i can see it hurts, but i don't object, instead - i let you be. i wonder if you even know i see you fighting. exasperating all your energy. even though i was an accessory now i'm doing the damage as i hold your head underwater just to keep things blurry.

just to recap:
you pried and it was inherent that i couldn't withstand the the faintest pressure to crack. and let a little free. and you huddled over you're snatched good, and i couldn't see your reaction so i stared away and waited for the next day. all that was me is what you thought you got, so the day after i changed, and rehearsed new lines with fresh motifs just to be sure what you got wasn't endowed. rather it was guts that have soured since i didn't pay them any attention and now you're stuck with 'em.

for the future:

it's that sound of a kiss when something turns off. that false sense you had that i defiled you, but you would have been too fond of that so it can't be true. so, my new mantra is that of a badly scarred whale - hit by a boat when i thought i was king of the jungle water. but you will keep on, but never forgive because behind your eyes lurks remedial thoughts of me. you cozied up to mistruths to keep you from freezing standing next to me. the air i give off is ice, i was never in a panic, i just wait for another cold blooded animal. and for the promises you faked i made - it was a mirage that fooled and brewed our grave friend that we've got to know so well, regret.

on my side of this story there was an ocean of life with love that suddenly dried up.on yours its still that mirage, still never really there.

Not Just A Number

i'm always thinking as i'm hurting, i've been thinking a lot lately and i think i discovered a good point. i want to share it with you folks - i'm sure some other person like myself has addressed this idea but here it goes:

if you're a kid your parents should take care of you, right? if you're a super old senior citizen, with one foot in the grave you've had plenty of time to save a small fortune to retire on, right?

and everything in between is the harshest chunk that life has to offer, right? it's where the struggles and difficulties lie, where the crises take place, the hardships, the long periods of unpunishable depression, the crippling fear of life (that seems extinct, or barely a seedling when you're a kid and dissipates [i'd imagine/hope] when you reach those golden years).

what i'm trying to say here is - why do they get all the discounts. is it just a marketing ploy like almost everything else out there? or is it more? is life waterboarding us when we least need it? rolling our skinned bodies in salt, laughing all the way along? just another straw on our inbetween aged backs?

i have no idea, but its in poor taste.

Where Are You?

i don't talk to anyone because i'm so scared of rejection. it all starts with eye contact, lillys on a pond. i often explain it as i'm the kid in class that the attendance sheet never gets to, no matter where i'm sitting. i'm not sure what it means, but i know it drives me towards being away. towards crazy.

it makes me resent myself, and i'm not sure what for. most days i sulk in solitude - the uncontrollable hiccups of my mind swooping in reminding me where not to begin. but how to continue, to perpetuate forward. effortlessly waiting for a lifesaver, a life-changer - i listen. it must be one who knows me and separates me from my sullen thoughts. one who with ease carries me from decimal points and rumored boats that wait for me to be aboard.

it makes me resent myself because the unadulterated thought has crossed my mind that we've met, maybe in passing and i found you too old, ugly, or fat. but the truth is we'd be glamorous together - outrunning foes and joining follies, maybe even being biased unnecessarily, but without attention to the details.

this is just a dream i caught and kept in a chest with a latch.
let me know if you want it back.

Good Girl Gone Bad

when i'm down i feel like shit, i don't wanna move or rather move far. sometimes though i'm high, and not in the traditional sense. this is the high off chocolate or coffee, maybe a funny comment or tv show. anyway i look in the mirror and thank god for my gene pool. mostly my thick head of hair. i know i'll never go bald. female pattern baldness is actually hitting closer to home then most of you even realize. not on my head, not ever. even if i pull my hair out of my head. and not seldom, it's frequent. every once in a while clumps. the kind that will yield an abundance of DNA. enough to stuff something with. no, now i'm exaggerating, but i got a pompadour, and they make you immediately awesome. just like that, yeah.

bigger isn't always better. modesty in your pompadour. please.

some of the greats have rocked them, and with power and influence. i hope i can make something of mine. recently they've grown in popularity with the ladies. of course the regulars come to mind, Rihanna (pictures everywhere) specifically, then maybe Gwen (Hella Good music vid). you've seen it in magazines, etc.
the best i've ever seen. Natalie Portman. hands down.


what an inspiration. always. her fucking hair. beyond sickening. in a good way.
it commands attention. it's pure prowess.
and i'm a rock star. at least when i feel like one.