It's Been What, 3 Months?

i want it all to be your fault so bad, but i can't cope, it's so sad.  ever since i could remember, it's been gone or asleep, no in between.  i dont' have the face to deal with all my mistakes so i change my ego and alter myself.  i call up all my closest friends and beg them for help.  none of them answer, so i head to the bar.  i haven't had a drink in ages, but i toast to disarm the despair that faults me, and brings me to the brink where i try not to care. i want so badly not to, it just seems you have a permanent spot though, in the pit of my heart, and then you just dart.  i miss you, you're splendid, you're smile, i miss it.  i shake things up to disorient my tastes.  i'm eager, but i'm going no where fast. and how long can this last? it makes no sense, i'm a negative, just a shadow of what i'll develop into.  and how will i fare?  some fortunes i'll want to spare.  i can't believe i've made it so far. i even have a job.  i can even laugh, it feels so fake, and then i'm mad at myself for not going along with how i think i should feel.  what's really the deal?  i'm unwittingly sad, and that's why i sometimes forget how i'll be this way until death.  but i'm also clever so i package it with smiles and close up your file.  tell everyone i'm "fine" and i'll give you no mind.  sure i'll always care, but i can't dance around the truth like i've been doing.  so i think of the most magnificent ballerina and how nothing could come between us.  but something did, not a rift. just your life. a promise you made, so i couldn't save you.  and the same scandalous dollars that sent me to college, blasted me down the drain where i'm set to remain.  and i know your vanity, could have brought on the insanity, and i don't place blame, but i'm just not the same as i was before all of this happened.  the places that took my life are ravage. i want to take out the garbage.  and i used to know grief, but now i know it so deep.  it's a devastating state to be in, when you're just looking for freedom.