September 6, 2011

i'm alone and depressed and i'm 22, everything seemed so much better when i was 15, the first time through.  and now all i needs a mirror so i can cut my own hair, cause i'll always be better off alone.  and maybe it's the more of me, or maybe it's the less of you, but this lowly life i lead is hurting me and i don't know what to do, probably never will, that's the life i lead.  and i've begged this life to provide another to protect me from my own insecurities, they've matured through the culture and morphed into a hellish beast that always has its eyes on me, i feel the glaring eyes, but i won't look into deceit, so it can keep its eyes on me.  i'm something of a warrior myself, i don't need to look tough.  i have been rung out and remade,  i do it alone and it drives me insane.  but now i'm just fighting what i predict is coming, which could be nothing.  i've been a fool before, it happens, then i grow sore.  but this times feels different like it could happen any minute.  that's probably why i'm so nervous, i'm biting my nails, and pretending they're steel.  after all i penned your death last night, put it all to rest last night - gave up the good fight for the greatest fight - i ended it last night.  only with myself, i'll keep it here 'til i need your help and remember why i saved it.  i didn't let it die, how could i when i wouldn't even cry, i'll let it all get stronger and i'll fight it when i'm sure it'll kill me.  when i'm sure i don't stand a chance - i'm just waiting for me to screw me.