Love Only Loosely

my heart skips for a beat or two, it makes me think of you, and then i don't know what to do.  after, every mistake feels fresh, like it's the first time i've made it.  maybe i'm wrong, and it's because i'm so raw, that first layer of skin has been pulled off. and i always have to learn everything the hard way, even when i know better ways.  i love to make mistakes and drown in heartache for months without rest.  an expedition i subconsciously set out on to make things harder. so i don't get farther. for excuses to feel sorry.  and i'd tell you darling that i'm not so great, don't sweat the heartache you left me with, i'm convinced our sins were a wild thing of beauty.  but it resembled love only loosely.  it might be hard for you to picture, with all the pictures you possess, and how picturesque an appearance you appeared as.  the life you lead may be vile to me but i just hope you're truly happy.  not the kind that you need to flaunt, but the kind you keep vaulted away from the evil and the poisons of the environment, the kind you're everything but stifled with - actually exactly what we had. before you brought it down, making accusations then saying nothing, stuffing your mailbox with my pleas, wishing you to see the love between, i wondered how you could leave.  the biggest tease, you lost me, and it cost me, i want a divorce from me.  i need to stop talking, i need to pretend it's the morning before we ever met, before this horrid test. before you made me wish it dead.