Sunday, April 6, 2014

But You Do

it's funny sometimes what you remember. these people who pass through our lives, but they don't come out on the other side with you. and it's all a serene bad dream, a horrid joke with a missing punch line and you're not sure when to laugh or why anyone else is. and sure you leave adolescence behind but you never expected it to be so far gone. changes that become the make up of your new self. the one who has regrets and mistakes not worth mentioning because when you do you set yourself back about a year. and i hear about what you're up to now, with out me. and i always knew when we were together that this was all in passing. that you would walk out on me, and it was in those moments when i thought i'd never recover from you that i actually grew out of all the simplicity that kept me happy. and i think about you often, probably more than i should. and sometimes i imagine that you'll surprise me with a visit, cause you know exactly where to find me. and i'm not really too sure what started all of this, some pain that began escaping through the cracks of my heart and soul. i tried feverishly to cover it all up, thinking that if anyone saw i'd end up feeling even more alone. however, it all backfired when i mistakenly used an escape that i downplayed the dangers of. and years later i haven't ever gotten past what happened to you, and where you went. and while the sound of moving forward plays emphatically in my mind the choir is singing a terribly different tune. all these keepsakes that i kept from our time together are fading and they're expressionless, it makes me overwhelmed with sadness that my memories are dwindling. i know that if i give it another ten years of surviving with out you i'll probably forget everything you wanted so badly for me to remember. and i'm sorry, if i saw you i'd apologize because i know i'd probably be your biggest let down if you were still here to see me. and i try so hard to stay living at a pace i know i can be comfortable with, and there's not enough time to be angry and sad, and yet i still squeeze it all in. crouching behind every moment i can remember you in is this faint idea that i almost never had you. it was so scarce, the times we had together. and everything after was so much less desirable, left crying until my face was red and the taste of dead tears filled my stomach and made me nauseous, and you faded more with every passing sleepless night. all i inherited, what you left me with, became somewhat unmemorable. and while i miss you it's only now that i'm not sure what that even means, what lies within my carnival of emotions, where i go to find you. what it comes down to is my inability to breach this contract i made with a vulnerable self, so low i lost sight of the potential that swelled the future that was going to be mine. i took for granted all the love that was still out there for me, and focused on all the love i had lost. and when all i really needed was a hand from the right person, instead i got support from people incapable of realizing i was headed toward an implosion that would resurrect every minute and massive detail that created every misgiving i had ever experienced. and when it all finally bubbled to the surface my heart exploded and i could no longer look anyone in the eye without wondering what they had been through, and when they lost themselves. i only saw sadness, it crept into everything, and even the most beautiful memories got lost. i wanted to go looking for them, but even more so i wanted them to wind up on my doorstep or in some spot where i couldn't miss them for the life of me. the fight in me was gone now and everything, even the most simple tasks seem unfathomable and what i would give to reconcile with a much younger and more forgiving me. the impossible task of pushing forward and paving my way from a bottomless pit of grave helplessness to something resembling complacency. and i guarantee you that when i get there, because i most certainly will, that is where you'll be. the whole time, you were on the other side, and the patience you exhibited would be the first breath of fresh air i'll ever feel. in a world once bare and grey, you'd greet me at the door to the other side, the one where you knew i'd find my way to, even if it meant a painstaking journey where i had little to be devoted to. and i began to see you again, and the ardent union meant i was no longer losing. had i not found you, my darling, i'm not quite sure where i'd be, but rest assured beautiful you're the most plausible person and i am certain that my love is what i must let lead me. the second i begin doubting what we found together i sequester myself, my backbone becomes soft and i cost myself another series of awful and endless months where i'm caught up in a graphic and bleak sadness that hoovers, breathing down my neck, gathering ammunition that it uses to make my heart go missing. off the grid where i become a lone ranger searching for promises that i know will make me whole again. and it's nothing against that anger and resentment that resides in the pit of my heart, but i could do without it, and on any given day it decides to play an instrumental role in breaking me down, and forsaking the ground i walk upon. but it's up to me to never let that happen again.

but thank god for you. and the love you have for me. every night i spend in your arms coincides with every ounce of happiness that runs through my veins. and it's all a big riddle to me, why you have this tremendous effect on my mood, but you do.

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