Saturday, August 30, 2014

_______ ________ "Forgot About Us"

i had to find you. i went to your job and saw your friend. i had always pictured her to be less like you than you made it seem. you two could be sisters. i asked if she'd seen you and her face went blank, expressionless. she wasn't expecting me - i always lacked the capacity to show up must be what you showed her. she told me she wasn't supposed to talk to me and next i expected a but...

she walked right past me to her car and never gave me so much as a second look. i wasn't close to disgruntled yet it was my first attempt. i beelined for the bank near your job. there i saw you candidly in line. for all the things we did together bank errands wasn't one of them. i grabbed your shoulder and you turned but it was a total stranger. i was beginning to unravel, this is where i left you, where have you wandered off to. i started scouring the neighborhood, i recognized a couple people that could recognize you, and they told me you were out by the hills. you weren't alone.

i cut through this office and overheard a lady say "i can leave whenever i want". i thought how bitter, who is she trying to convince, as if her words would cut away the imaginary bars that leave her drowning in an isolated island of responsibility. i also thought - how profoundly true, but she's nothing special, we all can. leave.

when i got outside it was raining, i saw two girls entertaining the rain. inspired i started jumping up and stomping my feet down in a series of puddles. it felt like i wanted to drain them, dry them up, and leave them empty. i don't know what came over me because i end up laying in a polluted puddle feeling baptized in the most impure of waters. and the feeling flooded me that there could be moments where i could simultaneously pull off happiness and life without you.

next thing i know your friend is driving us and i'm in the back seat unbuckled. i feel like i'm flailing but i can't even make out the motions of my body. i'm pleading with you to come back home, that i can contact the keeper of your heart. i'll make an arrangement and get it back. i'm yearning for a fourth last chance. i don't remember anything you say except "i forgot about us". right then and there i pulled a page from my notebook and ripped off a corner with just enough room to right your first and last name, and below it "forgot about us". i put it in my pocket and whenever i start to go down that road i pull it out and remember why i can't.

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