we're sitting on the bed, and you repeat what i just said, oh something about the one, and hun do i think that's what you might become. you unknowingly tripped me up and pushed me back to my past. i start recalling offhand remarks that my grandmother made. my second great loss in life and afterward for a long while she was frequently pulling the strings that play at my heart. my first great loss was my father, his life ended on an ordinary day, in an ordinary way. and i start thinking more about the shape of my heart, and how it's become disfigured but insurmountable. i think of all the ways i was changed in childhood, for all the ordinary mediocre days - what had really stayed.
maybe it's not what you take to the grave, but what takes you to the grave.
i hadn't thought twice about losing my life, that is until i reached deep within and realized that there is more to me than what i've implemented the last couple years. out of sheer and naked fear i talked myself up a ledge. and that probably sounds peculiar and warped. but it was from there that i saw the most amazing view, i saw all the happenings, i saw everything i longed for. and i guess i knew deep in my heart, although at the time i wouldn't admit it, that you were there too. You. i have always ached for you to capitalize on my life. that's all i want, is to give you my presence. i had a way of drowning out your loneliness, that only i noticed how profoundly sad you really were. and you would never admit it, and you didn't, but i eased some of the pressure.
then again, with the whole world watching, i invaded you're life, and only now, when you've had to do without are you really hurting. in the past i was always still behind you, close by lurking. but now life has blown up and i'm busy. you kept yelling at me to do something with myself, and i went and did just that. i wish i could come around again with my cape and convince you in a minute how great everything is going to be. but i have bills to pay, and calls to make, buses to catch, and budgets to meet. and i'm not sure where or when your place in my life became almost unnoticed, but i can barely hear you.
i would have taken care of you for the rest of my life, but you walked away for the last time. and today i keep the promises i make to myself. but one last proverbial mention of your allusiveness that makes me a sure bet. i'll be seeing you again. maybe i should spell it out for myself because i'm so slammed shut on the issue. there can't be a gray area. and yet it's here in my heart. whenever i come close to moving on, dusting myself off, and doing without you, instead i turn my head around to face the past where i privately admit i'm not sure how tall i can feel again. the despair we brought each other might fade - i can only hope.