I Think I Can

i feel like flash flooding, whatever that means. i feel like an organ being rejected by a body. when i ran up the stairs today, out of penn station, i wanted to keep on running. the deliberate and passionless nature of school, the tube, pals, drunk, sleep, driving, eat, single ladies dance, work, oil changes, bumming cigarette, and wasteful spending have trapped me. i feel like that parachute exercise in early education gym class, it's slowly coming over me, and when it finally does i can't get out. what i need to do is start a fire under that parachute to lift it up off of me, that way i can quickly run out.

this woman i watch on the train always wore black, and today she threw me a curve ball and showed up in peddle pushers (the nerve), a white blouse, and a light green blazer. spring is too early, i'm not ready for it. i crave the weather excuse for not leaving the house, now it's just another thing working against me. between me and you, i almost cried. i can't put my finger on exactly why but it's something between the proof she wore that spring is here with her on board and the static nature of myself.

maybe someone could read me The Little Engine That Could
but then i remember what shel silverstein said so poetically "If the track is tough and the hill is rough, THINKING you can just ain't enough!"

so i need a match, and a sack to place the pieces i'm picking up.

Nip It In The Bud

i was looking down at the hole in the crotch of my pants and all i can think is nip it in the bud meghan, before it gets any worse. i already had to get the other side of the inseam patched up when it formed a hole that i could fit my leg through. i'd show you a picture of these pants that i wear everyday, but i'd rather just leave it up to your imagination which will probably render it far less worse than it actually is.

i should throw them out, there's no doubt. i just can't let go. i love these pants even though they're fallen apart and aren't nearly as great as they once were. more importantly they're comfortable, i love the way they feel. what's wrong with me? they were used when i got them. and now they're just pathetic. these pants are like an open wound i constantly wear. i have no shame, you think i could find some?

thankfully summer is close, i'll have to start wearing shorts. fall comes up quickly though, i could get sucked right back in to the black corduroy pants.

i'm constantly mistaking liabilities for assets.

Faceless Memories

when i don't see someone for a bit i slowly forget what they look like. its the first step in a fading memory of someone. it's like when a tv program gets cancelled, and at first it's all so fresh - but after a while you can't even remember the shows name, maybe a few plots and the theme song if you're lucky. i have too many faceless memories of people. i might remember a certain feature, turning my memory into something along the lines of "fat and big ears" or "bushy eyebrows and pointy nose". i never imagine it happening to anyone, them turning into this faceless memory. i can't comprehend how after i saw someone everyday for years within months they can fall out and become diluted, failed memories. memories that end up straining you to recall the precious details that make up a persons facial structure. and maybe you can look at a photograph, but it's not yours to have at your beck and call, waiting for you to need it, so it can be displayed and you can move on without that empty dry feeling on the other side. the one that yells disappointment. that hurt that lets you know that person is gone, if not in reality then in your god damn memory where you needed them to stay and wait for you to call on them.

An Open Letter To Apple

i have a bone to pick with apple. i might be to blame, but i'm going to bank on it being the mega giant corporations fault, and i'll lay it out for you. i entered into this relationship with apple never once thinking it could end up being a bad relationship. one where apple takes what it can get and i get nothing, except a hole burnt in my pocket, and apple precedent that you just can't shake.

i bought my first mp3 player at the tender age of 15, it was the size of walkman and it had a whopping thirty gigs of memory. i didn't choose the flashy ipod, with it's super white face and mirrored back, it's token "wheel" - instead i opted for a Creative brand mp3 that sported nothing great except an hundred dollar price difference. the screen resembled that of a beepers and was digital like an alarm clock. i ended up leaving it on a park bench, and never saw it again. my next mp3 player was an iRiver, i don't even know how i remembered this so i just googled it to make sure, but i LOVED it. it had an fm radio, a voice recorder, and you could view pictures. LOST.

my next mp3 player was where i made the biggest mistake of my life. the ipod shuffle is the gateway mp3 into the apple universe. i opened pandoras box. i got my first generation ipod shuffle for my high school graduation, it was the white one that came with the lanyard. it had no screen. i was strictly about the music then. i thought we would be together forever. i felt like those silhouettes on the commercials, dancing with my ipod swinging around my neck. unfortunately this broke and was replaced with the 2nd generation ipod shuffle that we all know today, it was orange and yeah it's a clip. goodbye fun lanyard. but i was still happy, it was lightweight and held it's charge endlessly. and it was durable so i could be reckless with it.

i eventually gave it away when a friend gave me a spare nano she had. it was 8 gigabytes, and i was aching to fill that shit up. this ipod opened my eyes to the wonders of album artwork, and scrolling. i was brought back to storing photos, and making playlists. life was wonderful. i could never again sport a non-apple mp3 player. when i had some extra money lying around and i saw all these people with itouches, i began to wonder what i could do with one of those magnificent pieces of apple art. i didn't wonder too long, and about 1 month later i purchased a previously used first generation 16gb itouch off ebay. when it arrived it was love at first sight. i spent hours on end during the summer perfecting my itunes so my itouch would be flawless - which it is.

a couple days ago my itouch stopped producing sound in the left earphone. it will cost me at least $250 bucks to replace this, and according to the apple website just as much to fix it. thankfully the government's got my back on this one and recently sent me a little check. i also have an opportunity at the 2nd generation itouch with its ever attractive speaker. and if next month they slap a camera on the 3rd generation itouch i'll just die. cause i'll be in mp3 limbo with a great ipod, but not quite top of the line. and that's just not acceptable anymore because apple has molded me to recognize the best and yearn for it. dammit.

Weathering The Storm

me and my friend mo sat in my car parked in my driveway. she told me the left side of my house looked more fall-ish, and the right side looked more spring-ish. mo was in the drivers seat, wearing a long sleeve dark gray shirt looking at home with her fall-ish backdrop. and i with a yellow softball tee looking rather dapper and ready to jump out on the spring side of the house. it's funny how the weather affects us, me and mo. we were just two people moving at a different pace, but reaching towards the same goal, summer. all that aside, i enjoy mo's company. we share alot of common beliefs, like getting high a lot and not trying too hard. she'd probably be pissed that i said that. i bet in her opinion we try really hard and have overcome "obstacles"-meh. but the real bottom line is she can put up with my antics like no other. like when i call her place of employment drunk and knowingly force a restaurant wide announcement calling her to the phone, eventually causing mo to think the unthinkable: there was a death. haha my sister said no wonder she wasn't pissed, she was relieved no one died. or how when she would incessantly ask me to stop slamming her car door, and no matter how hard i tried to remember not to forget i would. and don't' get me wrong, she isn't exactly mother theresa so she'd be pissed, but mo would still put up with it uhhh i mean me. i also piss her off when i sit at stop signs for too long, or don't go at green lights because i don't feel ready. i know it bothers her so i try not to.

also, my sister is extremely paranoid i'm going to start blogging about her. so folks, just a mere second ago her toothpicks fell and she fell to the floor after them and screamed "not my toothpicks, let us just pretend this didn't happen" and then becoming aware of the situation and me at the computer she looked up all nervous and added "oh please don't blog about this". she's 23 and 2 months with extra baggage, get at me if you want the digits. woop woop.

p.s. thats a picture of mo i obamaized.

"The Time Has Come" The Walrus Said

so, a black cat crossed my path. it was the first time that's happened.
and then i almost hit an orange cat driving. i've been feeling, well, shitty. so i went out an bought a leather camel at 15 bucks from the flea market, it's from india. it's hard to imagine a camel looking valiant and strong, rather than feeble and boring. i for some reason think this camel is going to pull me out of this slump. i purchased it for that particular reason. it's senseless i know, but isn't everything that's comfortable. camels are a lot like llamas, physically anyway.

and another thing. in the process of ridding persons/places/and things from my personal life something just a bit short of amazing happened. because you know how in this dangerous age of technological rule anytime you go to delete something the bot on the other side, in an act that eerily resembles sovereignty protection, will produce a window that will pop up just after you click to delete the unwanted gigabytes asking you "Are you SURE you want to delete this?". it's like a last minute attempt at creating all these do or die thoughts within you. the second guessing usually begins. am i sure? does this text message actually contain pertinent information i will at some point need in the future? hahah, but to cut to the chase if i may, i went to delete something from my phone and i didn't actually want to, but i needed to yanno and as for the part where the bot has absolutely no faith in my ability to click the correct button, it didn't happen. there was no is-this-your-final-answer moment. but i guess it was, for now.

Today's Hate Is Tomorrow's Date: A Downward Spiral

i am so self destructive, and i pick myself apart at every corner. especially when i'm looking around for you.
oh my god - this pain, how did it get so bad? not such a while ago things were pretty and i could look at the day and smile. i found the little promises to help stabilize my moods. sometimes i'd even help myself. i only got headaches when i couldn't sleep. i could act interested in current news without a trace of hatred and anger boiling and turning within me. the type of anger that doesn't even have direction. i feel my fists, the tension. they're so tight.
i'd like to skip this all and get to the blissful shit that's surely waiting for me. plus i don't know where to go from here. you dont' think it left without me? i am so frightened, i'd give up if it didn't sound so fucking terrible. i'd settle, but only if i had to and it was asked of me. i'd still resist. you don't know me, i'm shaking my head.

and there has to be something missing. i don't know what, but it's gone. probably walked out on me along with every other rustic inch of my heart, and it's angst and all it belongs to. i'm the most useless piece of an instrumental union. i'm nothing more than fear. my scope is lessened by the hour and all i see is bitter rivals i once knew tearing up the soil and planting new seeds that a storm wind carried forward. the future is the product of a minute, or less. and i'm in it. can you please kill me? i just sighed when i shouldn't have. i exhale and it's all done with. another flowering cloud that won't turn up. maybe it's the heat because it's certainly not me.

[LIST OF XMAS SONGS THAT CAN BE ENJOYED OUT OF SEASON]
for e.

1. George Michael - This Christmas

2. Mariah Carey - All I Want For Christmas

3. Fall Out Boy - Yule Shoot Your Eye Out

4. Madonna - Santa Baby

5. John Lennon - So This Is Christmas

Legit Questions Before Noon

[LEGITIMATE QUESTIONS]

1. is it possible nowadays to use a pay phone and not look shady?

2. was that a cough or a sneeze?

3. why would anybody eat the bruises on a banana?

4. is it bad that when i look at my unopened extra playstation controller it makes me feel lonely?

A Lyre

haven't you ever felt so broken you just wanted to disappear?
or so lonely you wanna throw the towel in?
could happiness become extinct , or just die out?
you know what's weird? when i was really happy, like genuinely happy, i wanted to die because i figured what are the chances i'll die happy yanno.
i looked coldly into the eyes of friend/co-worker and told her happiness is a lie. and the sad part was i believed it, for at least that second. i have, through the workings of life decided that's the lie. i think i wanted to believe it because that would have meant i'm not a total failure - yet. it could have meant i might keep things lax for a while, and stopped feeling that pressure - which has for better or worse, become my motivation. so now that i've regained my stance on happiness what am i to do?

keep looking for it.

happiness is a 9 letter word. and it's the truth.

Sticks & Stones

i love sad stories. i make my friends tell me theirs over and over again. they never get old to me, and each friend has one in particular that i love. here is brittneys, and i wont change her name and not because i'm insensitive (i am), but because girlfriend don't care.

i'm gonna take you back many years ago, when brittney was still innocent and pure. when she thought the sun was the other side of the moon and still believed her parents to be in love. before hard work and verbal banter from colleagues and family about her smoking habit, and the rather melancholy mood that follows.

she was a small elementary school student, and with that said happiness was easy to come by. she had gotten a book from the school library, but while she had it out something terrible happened. soda got spilled on the book, and it was completely ruined. a few days later and with no other choice, the then pathetic third grader that brittney was took the book back to the library apologized and received a small lecture. she felt much relief because at 8 years old nothing could be more stressful.

the next year (and the next and the next and the next until her moving up ceremony in 5th grade) during the library orientation speech the librarian began describing that students must take care of their books when they're out of the library, because surely it's a privilege to be allowed to do so. she spoke about not bending the bindings, and not folding the corners of the pages, and when she got to the part about being careful around liquids she reached below the podium and pulled out the copy of the book that brittney had ruined the year earlier. she showed it off as the "what not to do" example. brittney hung her head down, remembering the embarrassment, nervous that someone else might know besides the librarian. this was the first time a mistake would come back to haunt her. she will be the "what not to do" example a couple more times.

happy april fools day.