This Happens

i swear i'm past my past, i finally got it behind me and now i refuse to look back. i've been doing so much better, i never turn around. lately i ride my bike and i'm fond of being alone, it does me good having nothing to listen for. and my pain just hasn't been a factor, it can't bury me without any notice - where i would feel betrayed and relive the days that scolded me with ease.

so i've patched some failures up, and buried some at sea, and when they float back to shore i'll choose not to see.

September 6, 2011

i'm alone and depressed and i'm 22, everything seemed so much better when i was 15, the first time through.  and now all i needs a mirror so i can cut my own hair, cause i'll always be better off alone.  and maybe it's the more of me, or maybe it's the less of you, but this lowly life i lead is hurting me and i don't know what to do, probably never will, that's the life i lead.  and i've begged this life to provide another to protect me from my own insecurities, they've matured through the culture and morphed into a hellish beast that always has its eyes on me, i feel the glaring eyes, but i won't look into deceit, so it can keep its eyes on me.  i'm something of a warrior myself, i don't need to look tough.  i have been rung out and remade,  i do it alone and it drives me insane.  but now i'm just fighting what i predict is coming, which could be nothing.  i've been a fool before, it happens, then i grow sore.  but this times feels different like it could happen any minute.  that's probably why i'm so nervous, i'm biting my nails, and pretending they're steel.  after all i penned your death last night, put it all to rest last night - gave up the good fight for the greatest fight - i ended it last night.  only with myself, i'll keep it here 'til i need your help and remember why i saved it.  i didn't let it die, how could i when i wouldn't even cry, i'll let it all get stronger and i'll fight it when i'm sure it'll kill me.  when i'm sure i don't stand a chance - i'm just waiting for me to screw me.

It's Been What, 3 Months?

i want it all to be your fault so bad, but i can't cope, it's so sad.  ever since i could remember, it's been gone or asleep, no in between.  i dont' have the face to deal with all my mistakes so i change my ego and alter myself.  i call up all my closest friends and beg them for help.  none of them answer, so i head to the bar.  i haven't had a drink in ages, but i toast to disarm the despair that faults me, and brings me to the brink where i try not to care. i want so badly not to, it just seems you have a permanent spot though, in the pit of my heart, and then you just dart.  i miss you, you're splendid, you're smile, i miss it.  i shake things up to disorient my tastes.  i'm eager, but i'm going no where fast. and how long can this last? it makes no sense, i'm a negative, just a shadow of what i'll develop into.  and how will i fare?  some fortunes i'll want to spare.  i can't believe i've made it so far. i even have a job.  i can even laugh, it feels so fake, and then i'm mad at myself for not going along with how i think i should feel.  what's really the deal?  i'm unwittingly sad, and that's why i sometimes forget how i'll be this way until death.  but i'm also clever so i package it with smiles and close up your file.  tell everyone i'm "fine" and i'll give you no mind.  sure i'll always care, but i can't dance around the truth like i've been doing.  so i think of the most magnificent ballerina and how nothing could come between us.  but something did, not a rift. just your life. a promise you made, so i couldn't save you.  and the same scandalous dollars that sent me to college, blasted me down the drain where i'm set to remain.  and i know your vanity, could have brought on the insanity, and i don't place blame, but i'm just not the same as i was before all of this happened.  the places that took my life are ravage. i want to take out the garbage.  and i used to know grief, but now i know it so deep.  it's a devastating state to be in, when you're just looking for freedom.

A Good Morning

milk in a hot cup of coffee, now that's a good morning
hop in the car and blast the music, thinking about past excuses
put them all behind me , gonna stop walking blindly 
gonna shine soon, mighty fine too, done listening to whiney fools
thinking that they know best, thinking that they know it all, when they haven't even experienced anything close to my fall - it's all a big joke, quiet urself blokes, i'm only listening to myself and the greater good, some call him god, i call it mine
all the lies people tell you about success, they have it a mess - it's synonymous with happiness, there are no tests - just troubles, don't swell them or dwell if you wanna get anywhere repel 'em and take what you learned and instead of feeling burned rise up, act tough like you have it in you, then maybe you will

screw them with their focus and goals, that shit gets old
grab love for intangibles, and hand it to another man,
you can be poor and give respect for free, nobody here has it easy
sure i might be an asshole - capital A, trust your guts - stay away
i need to relax and reciprocate, and not the fuckin' misery
whichis been eating me alive, but the love that i get
it could smother me to death, i'm failing all the tests
i need a better head, i'm hot and you're ready
baked ziti and spaghetti

Mossy Evenings And I'm At Your Door

the strawberry lush, that we had to keep hush
you sinned and i could laugh it off, but it wasn't that simple
the things i do were the things i knew you didn't
i knew from the beginning that i couldn't win it
but you always told me to stop it,  to knock it off
i was worried, paranoid, you said i was false
that i shouldn't, things would end up brilliant
oh they ended, i couldn't protect it, so i blame myself
it's contagious, i never have a chance to save it
i should face it, it's my make up, i'm wasted
it's the gray area, like what comes after?

My Todays Are Already Yesterdays

i'm not doing so good, but i bet you wanna hear something new
i could lie and tell you the trees looked especially natural today
and it caught my eye as the breeze rustled the leaves, but
that would be a lie, i haven't recognized beauty in quite a while, but
believe me i'm still patiently waiting on it's arrival, til then
survival is a day by day operation, it's no overnight transformation
kick cans and smoke cigarettes, while passing time with other peoples prescriptions
wish me luck, you schmuck, not doing so good, doesn't mean i lose
i'll feel free to abuse the crap outta me, join in, i'm too crazed to care
anyway, there's nothing much here


i gotta stop beating myself over the small stuff
it's all junk, i'm getting so numb from overcoming
every issue that passes through the doors
maybe i can take just a little more baby
-if you're not up for saving me, today's a busy day
i get it, you'll come around, it's time
just by then i'm scared that we might be gone


i have to get out, leave the house, walk the block
i'm manic and maybe that's really what this is all about
but i'm not sure, nothing's clear, i keep it stored, it needs repairs
thank god for music, i dive into it, scream at the top of my lungs
and wonder where all this anger can really come from
i need to pass out before i think myself insane
i got some valid excuses, but i'm mainly to blame
and this heartache follows me almost everywhere
so i gotta go to sleep to put off the despair

Right Before Broken

i got enough hats to cap a small country
enough soul to raise marvin gaye and make him say
hayyyyyy, so much heart, screw it being torn apart
it's in one piece now, not even sure how
i quit asking questions, the answers got depressing
i got my eyes wide shut, nicole kidman
doing a damn thing, i'm just a kid, man!


about to hit the streets and grab some coffee,
call me if you wanna take a walk with me
i'll show you how to get high, and get by
a ten minute walk, you won't wanna keep score
i'll school you in seconds, life and love retention 
missteps and miscues, i'll put you right in someone else's shoes


i have some choices to make, but hey, i have time
can't expect to rise up over night, it's a fight
i have some people to forgive and lessons to live
some prayers to say, and changes to make
taking strides, with or with out you on my side
and if you're not with me, forgive me, we can't be pals
i'm on a high cal diet, i only feed with the fattest
only listen to the wisest, answer to a goddess
oh she's beside us, i'm beside myself, i need help
humpty dumpty something - put me back together
mend it, make it new, i have something to show you
underneath this hard exterior, i'm running scared
come find me, yell my name, i'll hear you
if i haven't gone insane, and changed my name
along with my story, it all got boring
reminiscing the same memories, insisting it's love
when hell i couldn't tell, i knew nothing well
well, that's not exactly true, i know how far and long i fell
i'm fucking up my shit all. over. you.