Saturday, December 12, 2015

All The Above

at a celebration of death, where we met, and i'll swear i fell in love with you then. i didn't even know your name, but that didn't really matter. i'll just tell you what did, matter. i could tell you had an interesting story, one that might not bore me. i wanted to hear it all, how you became you in a bunch of tiny moments that you strung together with broken hearts, and sobbing phone calls, roaring laughter, road trips and facial expressions for strangers. will you admit all your mistakes to me? can you tell me what keeps you going, it will become what keeps me going, this i'm sure of. and i'll give you that - i'm making all this up. but not the part where i fell in love.

but, when, after our initial meeting i saw you cry, i realized you were human. something you had every business doing. i have an inexplicable urge to destroy what little of myself remains after all these lonely nights spent writing about her, and that profound loss that intercepts every ounce of happiness i might have experienced. to be honest i'm not sure where i was going with this, just that when i look at you i know stability. i feel like i'm coming home, a place i haven't been since my early childhood took all semblance of love from four walls with a roof. i want to recreate that with you. when you told me about you and whats her name i nearly died. to what do i owe the pleasure? and i know you said forever once, but that is done and buried. and when you speak of that past - the one i can only imagine, there is no hint of doubt or regret in your voice or on your face. i'd like to be part of a story like that one day. suburban tales that ignite me and fuel my imagination. i'd play a role for you, and i'd be happy in doing so.

i'm not sure what it is about you, that makes me want to be someone who can make you smile. i started counting each and every time i have when we're together. and then we sat down to eat and you asked me why i was smiling, and i had no idea why - except that i was with you. you're the first time another person has been enough in a long while. i used to live off strangers and immediate family, never sure where i was standing. always treading through a muck of emotions, and just knowing that here wasn't right. i've since moved on from sleepless nights trying to harvest the best of me to serve up to someone else. i look back and wonder what i learned. i'm not sure where to go from here, how to tell you all the above.

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