Rediscover What You Can

i almost always let you win. they tell me to put the past behind me, instead i commend mine on it's unrelenting obsession with being seen daily. now i'm fairly new to all this spoken word of actively trying to recover. for years my escape was my cover. only it was draped with a lover. and maybe in a parallel universe, for its much too soon here on earth, my hand is held by you. my close by lover with connections beyond the physical, it's the mystical element you bring to mind - your hand in mine. but here on earth you're usurped by my greatest life challenge. and oh how i need you more than this substance that has no place if i were to recover. and now at a distance you still smother, quite the actress, the fact is i can't live without you, just a canopy and our love is lost in time. and what frame of mind do we use to rediscover our youth. the question that came before the times changed for me. but this time a new perspective reigned me in. so, to languish in these evils like a fine dish of china being thrown against the brick and wondering if you can pick up all the pieces and get it back together. that's insanity, can you not remember? these repetitions i hated and salivated when i knew they would happen, it's like a fire you can't douse in water and put out.

and when the phone rings, i feel determined, i almost will it to be you. a will i'd like to lose, so hard to swallow that pill. i say aloud give me freedom to choose a person who i'm certain will love me for a lifetime, a lifeline.

Feeling The Difference

i'm eating this banana and i think of you, growing up fro the roots but releasing fruit. the danger i always stayed away from, so one day when i came home you told me you threw all the evidence in the bottom of the pool. i was never a strong swimmer, and now it was winter. all these catch 22s you put me through. almost all my love was a product of you outsmarting me. and the people passing swore our love was in a casket, but i objected - of course we had moments of resentment, but we had more tokens of affection, our feelings weren't cloaked in apprehension.

and what is holy matrimony but a whole big tax bonus? will a ring on a finger really bring you to linger - good times or bad? well isn't that the promise they made? i just want a promise you'll stay for as long as we're happy this way. it doesn't have to be in front of god or certified, and when it's no longer worth your time i won't curse the course of our relationship, i'll get lost in the times i felt the difference.

I'm Still Learning But I Never Thought You'd Be Another Lesson

my heart has been bursting from years of rejection, you were an unexpected drop in the bucket. a bubble bursting, and i'm only human and so i admit i'm hurting. i'm not sure what it was that i thought made you different, maybe because you listened. everything i shared with you, i'll never get it back, its yours to keep, and i feel less for it. another episode from this hectic life, still unexpected the hurt you caused as i called you wife. of course i've misspoken, the truth is that you absorbed exactly what you wanted, but when you felt the tide pulling you out thats when you shut down and shut me out. and again i'm blindsided by this universal evil of leaning on people i only think i know. or maybe i know in a couple moments, ones where i'm convinced they're the hope i need to rely on, to cope and get by with. but the truth is, i'm the headless horseman and i let you course through my veins, i thought it would cause less pain than the slander i was selling myself. but it hurts much worse. more than i honestly thought it would or could. you've stained all the relationships i thought i had built. you rained on the parade i held for my youth. and complained when i only told you the truth.