This Is How It Be

my diseased mind is seeming kind of hurt
all these doors that open and i just wanna keep em closed
when the pain flows through i think of you
and i call you bitch behind your back but straight to yer face
save this date, i'm movin' on from losing time, wasted, wasted on you
what's the kid to do?

i keep fresh, the death of us and i was hesitant to let you go
but hell its the best choice i've made, you materialized the serial lies i told myself
i could dwell in the open ocean for days, i could sell our curtain closing in a way you'd buy
it's all a lie, everything we see
i'm a product of my environment, this is how it be

they say "i've been where you are"
i'm like "show me the scar"
i never can believe the needs of other people plant the seeds for deeds that feed the demons eating my insides

everything but the lies. my mind is like the sky, its clouded. my highs are like a dye that's changing the tides of my imagination. but i said my goodbyes, now i bask in all these lacerations. it's fascinating how far you get while standing still.
thy will be done.

All The Above

at a celebration of death, where we met, and i'll swear i fell in love with you then. i didn't even know your name, but that didn't really matter. i'll just tell you what did, matter. i could tell you had an interesting story, one that might not bore me. i wanted to hear it all, how you became you in a bunch of tiny moments that you strung together with broken hearts, and sobbing phone calls, roaring laughter, road trips and facial expressions for strangers. will you admit all your mistakes to me? can you tell me what keeps you going, it will become what keeps me going, this i'm sure of. and i'll give you that - i'm making all this up. but not the part where i fell in love.

but, when, after our initial meeting i saw you cry, i realized you were human. something you had every business doing. i have an inexplicable urge to destroy what little of myself remains after all these lonely nights spent writing about her, and that profound loss that intercepts every ounce of happiness i might have experienced. to be honest i'm not sure where i was going with this, just that when i look at you i know stability. i feel like i'm coming home, a place i haven't been since my early childhood took all semblance of love from four walls with a roof. i want to recreate that with you. when you told me about you and whats her name i nearly died. to what do i owe the pleasure? and i know you said forever once, but that is done and buried. and when you speak of that past - the one i can only imagine, there is no hint of doubt or regret in your voice or on your face. i'd like to be part of a story like that one day. suburban tales that ignite me and fuel my imagination. i'd play a role for you, and i'd be happy in doing so.

i'm not sure what it is about you, that makes me want to be someone who can make you smile. i started counting each and every time i have when we're together. and then we sat down to eat and you asked me why i was smiling, and i had no idea why - except that i was with you. you're the first time another person has been enough in a long while. i used to live off strangers and immediate family, never sure where i was standing. always treading through a muck of emotions, and just knowing that here wasn't right. i've since moved on from sleepless nights trying to harvest the best of me to serve up to someone else. i look back and wonder what i learned. i'm not sure where to go from here, how to tell you all the above.

The Speed Of Light

when a girl tells you to kiss her, you kiss her.

and so i did, but oh what i missed. a list of lip locked emotions just floating in the air, you silently shouted i'm grasping at straws. then a roar of quiet, and i'm thinking...i'm sorry, but her smile was golden, her hair like an ocean. emitting love like a potion, i'm certain the curtain is closing on us, our robust hearts, we're perfect a flush, we follow suit and we;re just in time. we were about to fold? oh, no. i'll hang on if you never let go. although a distance feels fitting, you in this place of position where i could keep you off limits. these small snare traps i set to catch the pieces of you that run from me. i summon them but you keep them on a short leash and behind a brick wall. i can see past all your past troubles, you never place them in today and for that i am grateful. the example, you set it, where i first remembered our pasts can be trampled and left in the dust, mine had been a constant companion gaining rust. when i look in your eyes i see so much, but they're not plastered with hurt like everyone else i know. and that's what i write home about. don't be nervous my family will love you. yes that is a strong word i explain to my spanish friend. the powerless words i use to describe fear, they're making my hands itch, and my mind can't resist - it follows my hands. i told everyone this was my last stand, believing it was my last chance. the rules you set, i was such a fool to accept, but i did, now i live with it. this irish catholic motion sickness i never grew into. my mind moves a mile a minute, how do you ever catch up with the speed of light?

the first line, the most poignant i've ever written, they don't diminish when i remember they're about you.

Truth Be Told

the divinity in your eyes, it kept me hypnotized. i kept shaking my head but you waited and said "lets plunge into this together". it was the last word that shouldered the burden and shook the ground i stood on wide open. we - misunderstood, would figure it out as one. never for a single second did i get to stressing on what we might become - what i might have done differently, lives within me. i try and address it, my therapist says its best if i forgive you, i ask if that's a test i'm supposed to live through? she who always guessed best on what i would do next, knew i'd get reckless when i witnessed my youth,

leaving with you.

it's been a bunch of years to where when i say "i love you" it's like you're my cousin. this is what i dreaded when we ended it. all the second chances passed, now i see i'll have to last and build and grow without you. i still cast your image in the snow and watch it melt. i swear i'm on my best behavior, to be tested by my savior, i won't wager but this favor you're doing me helps. it helps my whole heart. and i felt everything in me win back it's dignity. i tackle my sins every Sunday and in someway i know it helps, and i forgive you and i forgive myself for having dealt with you so poorly, i felt i needed more of me, so there was less for you, i guess it's true - hindsight is 20/20 - and with you in my light i just pray you don't

forget me.

it helps.