A Treason

where is all that's wrong with me?
i'm not sure where is goes
is it visible to you, because i always feel the tow
it's taxing and my knees ache
i shoulder this disease though
and oftentimes i find the weight unnerving
is it just the curve of learning?
so bend it's bound to break
and i'm praying for my sake
and yours and ours
but trust me as i say
"i know words just drift away
 - but i love you more each day"
it's tender but i need your trust
i'll dissipate in all this lust
you can't merely be a lesson
the reason of all my apprehension
love they say is fleeting
but gosh girl, you're every season
my sole reason for believing
for my existence seems a treason
if i'm not with you give me reason

Electric Fence

keep your distance
and leave me in this prison
on your search for better brighter
we went, i'll let her right it
i said instead we're goners
my head so far from
my heart
need a head start, away from you
your head on my heart, i lay with you
all my mistakes made with you
in mind, nevermind

So Far Gone

how to see another day
mapped out this way
vile and weak
you're the repellent i seek
nothing's left, yet
i'm still losing
& the tower you look out from
is up on a mountain
it's no bother shouting
but i have & my voice is hoarse

Retreat With Our Tears

i came into your job
& the first thought to come to mind
pop into my head - was holy shit
you'd look great in any color apron
i pointed you out to my friend & i
was feeling oddly shy while she called you over
you were serving your friends
but you came on over, asked for my number again
this was when i noticed, for certain -you'd been crying
i'd spent so many days on the job
doing exactly the same

so let me come with you, i'll leave all my issues
off to the side, off with my pride, all just to see your smile
and i think i might love you, but i'll never say it
i have a way with making it known, i'll keep the love out on loan
but i'll never forget the look on your face when he came and said
"oh but we're older, death is much closer"
everything's changed & stayed exactly the same
if you haven't noticed you signed my death notice

Be. There.

often i wonder aloud
could it be you who's waiting
- but that's the role i've taken
it's selfish and mistaken
are you home now? i can be there
i just need that parchment paper invite
written in calligraphy
the missteps of all that i romanticize
are dancing on my heart
i'm shocked and torn apart
i never mean to miss, your s.o.s.
the best of us had broken off
and fallen to the sea
where it slowly came undone
and turned into debris

Grappling Hooks & Ladders

i let myself go with you
top shelf, but to hell with you
and you said the best is yet to come
to death- let's rest before it comes
i'm unsure of a cure for your lure
it's a war - top drawer - where
i keep a map of the madness
what for? you got it up there
you a bad bitch, give me one more
chance, at long last a fire in my
heart, wrongly cast you a liar
you're selling, i'm a buyer
you yelling, i'm a crier, fall
i'm behind ya
wanna call? i got a line for ya
- nah stall, that's your style
put up them walls about a mile, high
guess you want me to give up
if it's a test don't expect me to keep up
i'm gonna leap over that wall called jesus
he gave me reason to quit behaving
like a sleazy no good demon

Strangers Make My Adrenaline Skyrocket

us in that room with strangers
feelin' all but crazy in this situation
star gazin, heartfelt why we're here though
and i look over at you, lying still
i want to push these beds together
oh! let them catch us
it took one look for me to grasp
that everything you have
is grace and beauty
i'm all too aware of what i'm losing
but if i could steal a kiss
i'd lose a hand, but labeled thief
you made hell better than can be believed

Handrail Homecoming

back at square one - haaaa
i never let it come undone
snapped all the buttons
i'm still coming undone though
the spinning top stops
and i watch you rock
all around and back and forth
i jump rope beside you
and complain i'm out of breath
i know it's a waste of speech
as you hastened the road to hatred
i wondered how i'd fair
fair, is that i'm alive and well
even when you're absence makes it feel
- like hell
itching for those remote control moments
when i can change what you channel
i swear i'm getting grounded
i'll pick you up when it's possible

Soak In The Sun

i question myself again, are these lessons purely in my head, i'm so sore it had to end. although as my fate was molded and handed over, of course the good times we're always bad. just so awful and sad. now they're calling me mad. i've failed a couple times over, it's subtle when i'm sober. it fades away, i ease the pain, then scream in vain everyday since i've changed ways. i rearrange the pawns, who staged this children's crusade, i'm willing to face this head on if you swear i can't lose. i would care to choose - self-sabotage, a shelf life and an atom bomb. a recipe for disaster, i recite the words much faster - you want me dead, yes you're in my head, thought i put this chapter to bed. it's a hassle my friend, but i appreciate you coming out, showing support, our glowing rapport, i know the sort of person you are. taking responsibility, and making a new me. i'm breaking too soon here, the fear you dangle, how you manage to make me angry. i took the blame, you mar the shame, these scars are faint when i'm gone. the bars i set drain my mind, i function 'til the end of time as is, sordid past, and a morning fast approaching. the time to win is closing quick and i'm not sure where to find it. i'm restless and i'm unwinding about to take a mindless approach, a vacation to soak in the sun.

Reform Born In The Bottom Of The Ninth

in a stream of inappropriate dreams, you were there. i rested my highest hopes on your laurels, and i let you pay for a change while i prayed for a change.  nothing was the same and that came between us. i became incessant in getting us back together. i could retain my strength for a couple days, then my prototype of us frayed as you lashed out. but even your anger came to an end, the distance had flushed out anything desirable that might develop. i toasted my own efforts but stepped out of the running. my constant campaigning was endlessly failing, and for this i was responsible. i knew that in my heart, my head slowly followed. i swallowed my pride and tried feverishly to get you to void the botches our being together had carried out. when we walked out as a pair only one of us could wear the mask. this was troublesome. our camouflage had made us appealing to everyone looking in, but when we got back home we couldn't find where hope had run off too. i told you i'd find it, and that's when i left for a little. i began to believe the people who told me our journeys were separate. us trying to function as one was doomed, two innocent parties that were guilty of failure. it was a lot to handle.

and then you started in with the hyperboles and everything went sour. you referred to us as toxic, and you successfully sabotaged what little we had left. i had invested my remaining sanity in that little that was left though, it wasn't hardly right. my chest was on fire as our love burned out. i cried as i realized we were finished evolving. our survival was over, the end was imminent. i tried to provoke you to stay, and that was childish, and i apologize.