Stake Your Flag On My Land

i'm going to redirect the putrid thoughts that trifle my brain
there's a lot of things i'm going to do after i bury you

like all the things you strictly told me not to,
paint bathroom stalls with your number, immature for sure
but funny when you get called
the revolution will carry on for months, shedding old skin
-in new light, and we will all rejoice at fall
the orange blooms!
and i'll swoon along with all the fools
dancing in streets, drum beats, epic laughter
and i begin to like me bitter without the heat
i have desires but they're weak, barely speak
i keep things i shouldn't, i do things you wouldn't
but the bad guy was cleared this time
you agreed so yourself,
ah what a help!

i do things that i don't respect
-but they aren't regrets
a sheltered life is great,
but it's just not my taste
my heart is my anchor,
my sail, and it's fighting

reach out a hand
there's a million of me
out there

Sit Down & Get Comfortable

the way you won't talk, at any cost
it makes me colder that you sold out
in a minute, you were finished
- didn't even phone it in
i found out from a friend, she said
"did you hear the news"
you were just another body i was bound to lose
broken pieces of my wall, took it all too:
the romantic highs and starry skies
us laying on lawns, well before the fall
you pinched me, but i stayed asleep
that's why i'm to blame
i was in the eye of you the storm i never saw coming
dust kicking up, head turning and i catch you running
out in the distance, finally decided on a principle
but you love to support what you knows gonna fall
- and you still haven't called
baseless faces, left in love and don't know what to make of it
wore my heart on my sleeve, and here's to you for taking it
- said i was wasting it,
but you used it on shallow wounds that will never heal
- not when there's deeper ones there
and you ripped off the band-aid, out the window where i landed on the freeway
- ironic as irony has it's way of being
silly with a chilly hush that imprisons you in winter
startling frames where the fictions that remain i wanna make real
but it'll take a miracle and gods busy fixing your situation
now i'll toil, wait until you fold, so i can tell you no
for now though,
i'm on some eternal sunshine of the spotless mind miss you shit
i'm going out, just to keep the hell in
ready for anything, set my grievances on fire, took in the smoke
new life inhaled, it's all about a chance that hadn't been there
i owe you, said thank you, but u couldn't say welcome
and that really sums up the whole thing

e!

i'll wake up in the middle of the night and watch chelsea handler alone, not that we ever watched it together, but i'll laugh at it hysterically and still feel so empty.  why do things have to be so real?  i was riding my bike home today and i crashed into the wall on the bridge that goes over the highway.  i bounced off it and i immediately thought about how much i miss you.  how much i've missed you.  but also how all the hurt does no good.  life is so redundant and the pain plays games and the will to control the hurt is worthless and sends a shot of embarrassment through my body.

check yourself before you wreck yourself.

huh?

no seriously, think about it.

if the product is placed on the shelf it has to be sold.  and you were just delivering what you sold.  i'm not gonna get into how i bought it, let's not talk about buyers remorse.  i'm friendly, to an extent, but this was much worse.  i opened up my wallet, while you went through my pockets.  and i didn't feel robbed until too much time had passed where i had nothing to charge you with.  you left me in peril, i did more than dance with the devil.  we dined, and i tried to rebuke your shuffling deceit that you used against me constantly.

Happy Times

i'm confused,
when i left you were here
but when i got back from work
-you're gone, all you left was a note
that said
to, me
your
dead

and i was trying to figure out what the fuck that meant
then i remember i don't curse, and i gave up
deciphering your bottom line indifferent speech
a couple months ago, i made a promise to myself
not to cry until after dusk, and it's been going well enough
'til i woke at noon the other day, from a nap, from a dream
where you had come to stay, with me everyday
when the sleep evacuated my eyes, i began to cry
not for feeling pitiful, or angry
but because of what i get myself entangled in
how the freedom leaves
me
alone

and i feel done
with getting up from
getting my heart torn
from my chest, and i swore
you off for death,
so 'til then

make grand memories with your fantasy family
leave me out of them all,
can you see all the smiles?

happy times
leave me out of them all
leave me out of them all

You're A Liar And I'm On Fire

hey you told me to call if anything was ever wrong or i needed to talk
it's meghan
something's very wrong, and i need to talk
can i come over?
yeah i got no where to go, i know you don't wanna hear it but my hearts broken again.  and this time i don't know if i want to take the time wasting putting it back together. i'm a failure, i know you won't let me believe that cause you always say it's a lie, but trust me.  i set the bar myself and i know where i end up.
i just thought i had a little longer yanno?  until the camels back broke, if you get what i'm saying.
well i knew it couldn't stay the same for very long, i guess i just wanted more.  that's me though, nothing is ever enough, and things that come close push me off the edge.  i'm the most humane creature surrounded by the most sadistic demons.  the ones who premeditate the murders before they set out.  they march with their strong hands forgetting their scared alter-egos that they left at home but will catch up with later.  and make no mistake about it, this will be a public display undoubtedly.
don't worry i'll just keep my distance, hide in the shadows of the loveless monsters.  maybe even eat dinner with her disguised as her own kind.
my organs on the outside pumping noxious liquids that'll kill you if you sip them, blind you if you breathe them, and set fire to anything that dare touch it.  my mouth spilling lies that capture strangers by the brains and praise them and their ways. and i'm all so fake.  we make up these persona's to stave us from the real drama, armor that has an offense, worn against persons who possess no defense - so what's the purpose? 
you're caught up in highs and moments.  i was wishing for a life to start, not more reasons to feel ripped apart.

The Mounding Winter Snow

my love grows like the mounding winter snow
beautiful pastures are now bitter cold
smothered beneath this crazy white dust
was a beautiful grass, tender as it was rushed
and i'm failing, i'm falling, i'm landing, i'm free
but stored under white, the potential energy

but when that blazing ball of fire
resumes it position in the sky
the snow will all fade faster than
how quickly my heart died

Instant Gratification

instant gratification feels so amazing
and yesterday I threw it for a loop
doing all this crazy shit with you
and we blast it all to space
not a second to hesitate
me and you, we knew it
all along, as we scoured through it
found nothing worth keeping
sour dances we junked years ago
begging each other, for something
or another, chance or shot
something worth thinking about
i'll put that detached romance to rest
never allow it another breath
erase the feeling of complete devastation
compassion was lacked and i was taken
inching my heart closer to breaking
i'll try out a new one, fit it with armor
prepare it for war, we know it's sure

The Mended Staircase Story

i'll tell you as my body bounces with the train for one of the last times, i was walking down the steepest staircase, when it collapsed, not from weight but old age.  and i hit the bottom well ahead of plan, bones all broken i couldn't even stand, i prayed for death to come and steal me away, to let me land one way or another.  and one morning i woke up to the brightest light shining through my eyes and blanketing my body with the most comforting warmth.  then i heard a perfect hum and i realized its you who had come.  motionless you waited at the top of the shattered staircase, and i didn't need an epiphany because i knew what i had to do.  i started on that staircase, i used my broken bones to mend the steps - why had i considered waiting for death?  i'm stepping on myself to get to you, its all i could do.  and my body is like cloth as i drag it along, every hour a second nearer to you - what were me and death going to do?

The Last Sign

so you ask me if i feel silly and it seems like you haven't heard a word i've said.  no, i feel heartbroken and misplaced - knocking at doors when i should be home safe.  i feel fractured and empty, this isn't a joke.  i'm not a moniker for fun.  and you'd be surprised how much i build myself up.  days and hours i labor, my heart on a string i let slip away, caught up in a tree where it never visits me.  while its easier to cry in the cold and the blows hurt harder in the cold, slower to heal - and this is life in the now.

so, some tragic ends to us my friend, while walking with you all those months ago, i had no idea when i discovered this would all happen to you; the fairytale breakup, the mining for work - i don't know what to make of it.  i broke from your corner, away from the slaughter, i restarted my life and changed my makeup.  if i missed the powers i had with you, it didn't do me any good, i'd give it all back - only at the shot of a complete redo. for me.  for you.

did you ever once consider the future? what we'd do?
you made me think so.  your way of filling me up so you could deliver the last blow.

i'm overwhelmed with sadness, i hate you.
i was so liberated, freely moving like the air, not on any track or path.

A Strange Span

this invisible barrier people imagine around me
you didn't see, you carved straight into me
and attached all your weight and pretended you'd stay
but all the breaking hearts that were being ripped apart
tore like a savage into yours, now i love you all the more
and broken hearts are beautiful to mend, this isn't the end
but now mine is famished, almost dead from the damage
i know i can't ever see what i'd really like this to be
and alone in my room where the faces in the ceiling
remind me that life, is meaningless but filled
with strange spans where the demands of your heart
can't be satisfied, and we're all pulled apart

I Can't Wait To See You Again

i heard you're not working again
i could revert back to the languish
and lay in your bed
you can get up and make me coffee
i'll wonder why
we always have to watch shitty shows in the morning
i'll quit my job and sell the car
grab a drink, but buy the bar
trip all the way back to
- that place where we stay
we're all so fake

Blurry Hazed Horizons Are Wishing Me Well

the way the rays come through my window
i'm listening because it could be you
always sparkling and warm, but a shot in the dark
and you exist in a prism, i just can't get into
but you were born with enough, so i have nothing to offer
except for all the loving energy that comes to me
when i see your smile, and sure it's been awhile
but time can't take away from what's grounded within us
it's like a religion, i follow my heart cause
it's the only part of me that doesn't fight back
when i self-destruct - go running a muck
straight to your house, cut all the trees off of your property
so we all know how life there's been spent, dying and dead
nothing to shade you, so the rays have to hit you
and you'll feel what i'm feeling, and know we've been healing
the worst case scenarios that brewed within each other
you hurt me, but i forgive you
broke my heart, but
-i'd still give it to you

The Memory Of Being

you ruined what i loved about love
where what we had came from
how in the daily monotony, there can be
an instant between two people - that's deeper
than anything they've felt, a relationship formed
not from the pushed or planned
but from the brick and mortar
that make us such a sure thing
and so you set off with nothing, but fear
and a heart filled with building love
where all your happiness swarms from
and it's not just you and me - it's a godly scene
where everything that you don't see it exactly what revolts me
and leaves you battered, but at the time it didn't matter
you felt something but nothing that hurts you
only a hot plastic rose bush, that smells like perfection
and pleasure, mixed together, hot and heavy
-but it's all a collasal disaster, but i manage to master
the art of the broken heart, i've restablished
what it feels like to steal from the memory of being
-in love

Just Ask Me Nicely

hey, it's meghan.  i just wanted to check in and see how you are.  dammit i hate these voice mails, i always sound so stupid no matter what i'm saying.  but screw it, i miss you.  the hurt is an open wound in my soul, and when the sunsets and i fall asleep - i'm only at peace.  i didn't tell anyone what happened, well a few - but damn it hurts so bad someone has to hear.  i care about you in an almost motherly way, which is interesting, because i'm usually selfish.  but with you i worry something could happen, awful and unstoppable - i could never imagine mourning your loss, i'd have to mourn mine first -you piss me off though because i don't think you comprehend the ways you've so greatly changed every substantial ounce of once pitiful being - and i'm gentle now, maybe even kind sometimes.  after this though i've gone back to being mental, only not so tied up and relied in warm bodies i try and grow with.  you have me so angry sometimes i laugh, even that blows off steam.  you got me so happy, but i squander the joy, cause i've put up these walls where i truly believe i'm not something worth caring for, i'm not even bearable, and in my own skin i think i need a demolition, it would go rather quickly, i'd just have to clear all the rubble left from the several lives i've lead - student, alcoholic, addict, manic, heavyhearted, dumb founded, open minded, failure, bastard, retired, branded, bonded, clouded, aching, forsaking, love making, bread baking, heart attack faking, jaded, witness - and i've insisted on keeping all the pieces. up 'til now.  anyway the point is i can't go on much longer like this, we have to change everything.  if there's a way i could make this easy i'd find it and put it straight into action - but life is a puzzle where pieces don't fit, can't be found, or are missing.  i'm just sorry to you for my very existence. call me when you get this - we're magic and we'll make it happen.

The Battles Been Over, But I Wasn't In It

where do they live where they're numb from the pain? i'd come upon them and ruin their vision, tell them how much it hurts when another person who you love is gone forever, and all that's left is what you cherish.  and when you get weak from the cold you battle it much worse.  you see it in the faces, and moments and you measure how much damage this can do, and will you make it through?  i'll put them right in their place, explain there's no time to waste.  you have to grasp what you have, and hold on to it how you would hold our your hand, but i'm worn out from heartache so don't take my opinion too seriously.

all the running water stops, and i briefly wonder where you are
and why haven't you answered me?  i rustled up that part of you
never would have injected myself into your strife, but hey - you did
and now i surrender my love that hasn't been worth giving until it met you
and now you stand in your house and you look out the window
at all the happenings
you can't believe it- the actual existence- of happy people

Again With An Arrow

you're not what you spoke of
but it's something i'll learn from
people who pick people weaker than them
and i never could defend my defunct heart
and it's not what you talked of
it's something much worse, a poison, a curse
it was all about the sick satisfaction you got when
my heart felt like diseased pieces of memories
that still say forever, and they smother my reason
to stop it from breathing, keep me sheltered
at home with a filter, but what could've kill her?
the words are all flawless but filled with deception
is there any hope at resurrection?
but i reacted without a riot, a devoid heart quiet
now i stand with my hands behind my back
i wait for some slack, that i can't stand to have
the demons die down - they're too busy basking in my loves whereabouts
about you, the direction of the choices you're not making
the sounds of empty airwaves captures my mind
the sacred sensations you realize only in detail
when the lost fragments of your mind look to find
a little pleasure you accept won't last forever
gone in a minute is how we're gonna end it
-and now
my body is still raging from nights spent with you blazing
the fire all our desperate love created

Come Home To Me

i wouldn't admit it to myself but i knew
we had a shelf like of a
few couple weeks before it would creep
away from us, and we were nothing to scoff at
jesus won't you please, just come home to me
i'm tired and weak from roasting myself
on the front lawn, it was a sight to be seen
i was down on my knees, looking up in the clouds
just wanting to shout
won't you come home to me, how easy it'll be
wha it was before, when it was us we knew
we were living for, the love that was part of us from
WON'T YOU JUST COME HOME TO ME
-the beginning, i know you're not listening when i say
won't you come home to me and just stay
and i promise to keep the hurt from your eyes
you can lay with you head in my lap, and i'll rub your back
'til you fall asleep, and drift to far away places
where our love is making, all of this easy
where we can promote this love
where you're asleep now, where i won't let them get you
they'd have to go through me and a chest filled with hurt
and guilty anger that i got from the strangers
staying at my place - won't you just come home to me
and i know i don't hear it - but you love me, you swear it

Blanketed With A Blasé Hellion

my pants are warm cause they just got ironed
it feels like that missing fake empty happy
that i was always fond of
we wanted everything perfect, set it all up
took a deep breath in and our bodies exploded
numb from the people who brandished our aches
when we were away there was nothing at stake
and i wish it was winter, when our cravings were thinner
we survived off the drink, just took the liquor
but we meandered our better judgements and it ended up all over
on the streets, out to eat, alone in our house
but we maintained a distance, afraid it'd all bring us south
and it was kept simple, we died with routine as our only staple
truth is though i yearn for the miscues, it was what it had to do
more so though i crave for the slow heartbeats and flinching legs
never believing we'd have to leave bed, with our enemy at reach
we'd always be beat

I'm Sorry I'm Troubled

when i sit in my room consumed by defeat, i always only want to go two places, your house or the water.  i don't know what for, there's nothing wrong.  i'm doing well, in one piece, actually i have a lot going on with me.  i want to tell you.  i can't because i'll come off as arrogant - rubbing it in your face.

i'm lying, there's nothing, i'm sorry i'm troubled.  i saw someone who smelled like you and i smiled half heartedly and then burst out crying.  i was ripped open, and all was taken.  love was mistaken.  now i'm restricted to timeless sessions where my head pounds with what was found, when i know they were faking.  i'm admittedly scared as i wait for my life to establish itself, hell, i'll have to help.  i'm so mad at nothing and it frames me with daily assumptions that chances won't change, or people can't rearrange the furnishings of their lives, a balance and blend - not just the trend or routine - constant fixtures that you're lectured on to keep your distance from.

and i just want to sprout, grow out from here, not flee but reach further, but by roots stay where home is.  do it for me (?) i have only just begun to become a breeze you'd want to catch, something that could get you stirring.  no longer that howling in the night, filling you with fright.
and they cry when i let them, i really don't get them, but my face swells up and the tears spill - over.

Unoccuppied And Disoriented, Toyed With

i hear the train pass and i wish i was on it
headed out of town like i always wanted
and what keeps me here?  a couple unhappy endings
- i could spare
a couple lost moments that all left me hopeless
but where i'm at the party makes me feel lonesome
i know months away, i'll find a way
- to beat the odds
the mounting loss painfully subsides, i decide to crash at a diner
i have coffee
stare at the waitress - waiting on tables
everyone gets to where they are, but where they are never seems far
i sit scared and still and wonder when i'll see you again, if ever
and i if did would i be urged to cower, and curse you
and i'm so busy looking back and not forward
that i don't see any openings

Slipping Through Hands

because we're the sand
i'm having an emo breakdown
because i'm emotional and unstable
in these four walls, my thoughts reach for the door
they guide to where life could take me
if i'm not the blasted grave me
if i stop praying for you to save me
and somewhere decked out in the skin from the thousand souls whose lives i changed is that organic wholesome someone who will paint the thousand pictures, where i'm all in them, that change the way people explain how they function their brain and brace themselves for all the impending pain.  and the moon will stop making the tidal waves that smash our brains and turn them to the shore where they're walked on all the more.  all our senseless spectators amazed and taken back my the sea.  but not by you and me.  the tiny stones that make our brains, sticking to their skin, there until they swim - so we can end up in that angry sea, getting thrashed back to a shore that's pulling for you and me.

Your Insides Eat Mine

i'm not sure i can cure whatever it is that eats your insides
steals your will to stay alive, i thought i was changing things, getting you well, but you're trapped and were haulted at the point where things could have got better
i don't believe you can walk away, i'll be saved for another day
but if you wouldn't have woke me up i could have slept through the denial and devastation of the chance you say is not worth taking, and the prospects were supplied but the fruition denied and i'm about to walk away, like you can't, lay you down another day
my marvelous emotions floating away on an air balloon, towards the moon, and the day you told me to look at it, in all its glowing glory, it's days away, like the plans we made, and i'm always a little worried of where it all may go when i'm not around to know it - but i'm still days away, wasting away, waiting for another less lonesome day when my life will be made

I'm Not Going Anywhere Fast

hey baby
i think it's kinda funny
that my nose is running
cause i'm not going anywhere fast

i really dont get it
why you went ahead and said it
that we're not going anywhere fast

but maybe baby
if you give me a couple days
i'll show you we'll go plenty of places quickly
but i don't wanna miss you
so i'm not going anywhere fast

someone once told me
i'm not the type of person
that people rely  on or confide in
and i'm not going anywhere fast

Rehash Back To The Blast

i'm calling you and i keep believing i'll hear you phone ringing outside my window - like you already knew.  and i know, i keep my better side shut off when i hear the truth, but i know.  everything will crumble and i'll sit by and let it.  i've done it for a lifetime.  i'm not even sure i regret it.  i just look for people who love me, and i give away my flesh and my twisted love for the consolidated stuff before death.  but when the bonds i form begin to swarm i can't see in any direction, and this isn't exactly as you mentioned.  the explosions are slower and when you think they're stopping they're far from over.  and there's way more people wearing plasic than you prepared me for.  but it's okay, i move my lips but don't say anything so they think they're going crazy.  one walked right up to me and told me he's shoveled shit long enough that he's getting out of this business quickly.  if he could read lips he would have known i could tell from his expression he was deeply unhappy, and hasn't known progression.  i was gonna blow my cover, tell him i knew, that its been a long time since i knew myself straight from birth.  i wasn't blowing smoke up his crap either, i was stifled and looking for jesus - to show me how to identify the sordid souls from the glowing angels.  how to deny distractions and maintain self-reliancy.  i had been misplaced and i settled toward depression for my direction.  a road map filled with swallows, and company that had been hallowed.  and where i am now needs some work, but i'm willing.  the destruction is nothing i never seen before, but always before i went running.  i never stuck around to refurbish the lives i've littered with my self-destructive iniatives - i just level all they've built, watch the fall of it, take the next bus out of town, keep a steady head and never turn around.

Messes Make Themselves

or so i learned
solo or so low, what's the difference - you
now that i met you and defined the love
i'm totally, broken, i want to wash away the filth
drown my love in a river, and watch it float away
i hope the body gets recovered, and there's somewhere it can stay
i see you eye it as thrills, it makes my heart pummel
makes me wonder when you'll break it - i'm a fiend
in all the satisfaction and ache it means
i'd love to put a stake through it, keep it in a cage
secure it with locks - so it wouldn't get away
and i only want to please you
i've never felt this way, it's an eruption of my soul
i want you to have me all, not a fraction, not an inch
- THE WHOLE DAMN THING
but what's fair and right doesn't exist  in this epic fight
i think i'll throw a knockout punch, but i can't make a fist
surrendered with your company, it's my love affair with bliss
the science of the situation seems to go as this,
love is as love needs, the drugs we breathe
the microscope i put others under stands deserted under the covers
and my constant fever makes me crazy
all brought on by you baby

Leave The Doubt At The Door

we lay in bed like we do best, hopeless or hapless, we describe our lives like the movies.  mostly because we have no feelings.  except for each other.

and you look at me and tell me you Love holding me. i'm thinking to myself you know what i Love more,

waking up in the darkest part of night, she's a tempest when you fight to see without light, and i realize i haven't moved an inch and neither have you.  i love how my body is weaning on to yours, and we're in a pool of our own sweat, stuck together with it, and i suddenly figure out that i haven't been angry once since we started this, our life, and how we keep up, the fights that both of us lose cause our time together shouldn't be misused, the smiles and the drives.  the pasts we both stopped probing years ago, we choose to neglect the discomfort it (the past) led to.  and i think we both believed that it warranted an axe that cut our dreams and beliefs into tiny pieces.  we didn't recognize it, but we wouldn't take the blame either.  and maybe we're nontraditional when it comes to progress, but we haven't needed it since childhood.

Ashes & Dust, In God We Trust

when feelings finally disintergrate
they litter the ground, but help the taste
and now i feel your anger, it's visible from angle
and i don't talk about you, at least not devastating lies
just the type that inch you closer to your demise
just the type that you told me, the ones i saw coming, but couldn't see
and i wonder when you'll forgive me, because i forgot all about you
but i didn't forget your hope chest stuffed with porcelain lies
if you ever realize who you are, check the notes i left on your bed-
it's just what i said

Let's Keep It That Way

for my sake

it still kills me when i see you're out

on the town, where you still look down on me

and when you stray away from the perfect party

you'll blame it on your waning sobriety 

that you still can't stand to think of me

your hand at mine is forever gone

so you can't believe you dashed your chance

of ever becoming part of the us

where free will was met with doubtful lust

but if we could of caved in, and lived

together without all those evil eyes

but i couldn't convince you, i wouldn't

inhibit you, so i

took a holiday, staying away, and now that

i'm on it, i'm not smiling

i'm too out of breathe from dodging guiles

Choices That Make Changes

them:  well, you seem a lot more level headed than you did before.

me:  i cut the fat, and not from my diet you senseless moron, from life.

them:  the fat?

me:  we have a broad range of choices throughout our life,  i'm talking about being selective.  no, cut throat.  what i'm saying is boil yourself down to the core, shed the good, but more importantly shed the bad.  take it to a back alley and smack it around, give it the silent treatment, run away and change your number - do what you have to do.  then finally, when it's real quiet and you're sure that nothing is clouding you, it will appear to you.

them:  what will?

me:  it's really hard to explain, but it's very similar to satisfaction.  it's that piece of you, you've had it before and you might have even cherished it, but that didn't stop it from leaving.  maybe you never had it, either way you feel it's absence, it tingles just to remind you and hurts so it can unravel you, and you scoff at it.  but the tingles made you tremble and the pain paralyzed you.  and the self destruction you started years ago will end, you will finally turn that corner that you always saw coming but never knew how to get to.

them:  what's the catch?

me:  everything you left will get together and decide they don't need you, as if they made the choice.  ha.  it's irrelevant and you're sure of the path you took.  the other thing is, there will be these dark and cold moments where you feel uneasy about it all.  when you wonder if this gamble will eventually station itself in line with your regrets.  just remember strength comes when you pay your debts.  whatever you do though don't let it get tough for you again - do something to remind yourself you're a brand new person, but keep the tricks up your sleeve and a trainer in your corner, because the past still exists.  if you should ever lose your focus you will have to prove yourself, again.

The Premiere Of Many Thoughts

so now that i'm somewhat solid, let me sit down and write
i'm an all or nothing person, and all is so hard to retain. i'll catch it for a glimpse, and when it's gone the pain sets in. it was a hint - i barely felt it, i was so busy worrying. my mind has a plan and it's obstructed, i can't get up, i haven't, my showing is weak. i probably wanted too much, but if the world can produce this, even for an instant, how can i be angry with it? maybe the secret to life is to take and bask in the great, and be at ease with the rest of it. but for what are we destined? lately i get on my bike and i feel the best i have, maybe ever. it's difficult to tell, it all seems so worldly when i'm up this close.

and i was just like you, i convinced myself i couldn't, until i stopped believing in the ruins. and then, just like that, that was nothing to climb out of. nothing to overcome, i continued and blossomed, out from the shadows.
and my days are more plain, but i'm still not numb. no lingering effects from the lives i've left. just joy where i smile at the fun and the boring. cause it's not necessarily the delivery or the sum of the parts, but the pieces you cherish and the life you capture.

i hope i haven't left you to jump with my enemies and destroy what i do, making excuses that it's not good enough for you. but just breathe in now and compare it to when i was the entirety of the thoughts of your head. give me some credit you said i was better off dead.