A Farewell To Arms

lately i've been thinking about my old life, the one i used to live.   i was always trying to get the room to spin.  and i can't tell you why but i fell for the lie.  and it was a way to cope, but the steepest slope and once i began to fall it wasn't my call.  and you screamed to take a life preserver, i called back that it was nice to know you, but i'd rather be twice the deserter that have unfulfilled ambitions and old sedated wishes.  and you store yours in the attic, but it's more than being phatic, we've lived the same life and you can blame strife but even if it was all apathetic, i can't say that i regret it.  i know you never will, you could live a hundred lives and repeat all your mistakes, with vivid memories of what happened every time before.

and i'm like an alley cat leaving gifts on your porch, any excuse to come into the warmth.  i sleep under cars, and beside bars.  i hide my face from perfect strangers.  but sometimes after i've cried for hours about feeling like i have nothing and nobody, i feel like i'm floating.  for a couple days after i carry myself better, its like i shelf the depression.  and the present is a must-have, sorta seize-the-moment-or-else type of bit, but i'm still not believing it, it's some freakin' shit.  don't get me wrong, i'll give you the right.  paint a still life and try not to think of me.

listen dear, i'm closer than you think.  out here on the streets all the free time i have makes everything feel so close.

Last Night Was Wild

last night was wild, and not the good kind.  sometimes i think i've changed you, only for the worst.  i wonder vaguely who you were when we first met, cause i can't remember, but i see you now and i know something is different.  i'm not the same either.  but when we first met you knew every single side of me, i didn't hide a thing.  but it seems like every day i witness a new angle you take, or a mood you relay.  like a tonic you drink and you're lost and taking the kitchen sink.  what you love to do is get angry.  remind me all the things i'm doing wrong and how i'm a liar because i promise you i'd do anything for you.  you repeat what i say then deem it a lie.  assign it a poison, you can't pass it by.  i really don't mind.  i just sing that meatloaf song in my head, because i would do anything for you love, but i will not do that.  if i do i know within the next week i'll be on my hands and knees as you would have found a substitute, or the latest devil.  and the witchcraft is getting old, it's soggy from all the tears.  i absorb each one as painful as the last, and i want it to pass as quickly as possibly, so quickly its just a flash and there's nothing to really remember it by.  but you want to let it get comfortable, take its shoes off and make itself at home.  it turns our home upside down and i'm sitting on the ceiling looking down at the room wondering how i can make it out the door without you noticing.  i need a distraction, to get some traction.  you're cut throat, but i'm just a jerk.  is it lust or hurt?  we yearn for one another, but the others prove us wrong.  meant for one another, does it mean a thing at all?  have you seen us take it all the way, i look in the mirror and my mistakes stare back, they're grinning and i'm gritting my teeth and bracing myself.  now my health is in your hands, and it's an enormous responsibility.

Teddy Bear On The Floor Face Down (AKA Lenghty Emo Title)

i think about murder like frying an egg, self defense
waiting for the influx of anger, and then subsequent damage
i feel your life leave, and i drop to my knees
i'm hot and disoriented but you're cold and it was a choice you made
but now you're laid down, and i'm insane - yes.
that's what i'll plea, call the press tell them about the eggs
it wasn't my choice, just all the noise, was in my head
and it was making my mind, no, my brain, relay messages all ignorant and angry
and you fancied me a mad hatter, how i stopped time and then the disregard for the future didn't seem so shocking.  and i'm flagrant with my madness, cause despair is what repairs it
so where is there a choice in that situation?
i'm faced with being crazed or no sensations
and you will not catch me in your net, sitting or lying or laying or what have you,
wasting away with my dreams on a back-burner called denial
and you go senile because the reality will maim you
and yes these dreams are just my wantings
but i'm a fiend so there ain't a chance at me stopping
but functioning has been all you know, and you know it oh so well
you wouldn't want to bump heads with floating, and not knowing what's coming up next
but you did know me best, so well in fact, you knew that it would end
and it would end a mess, in both sense. because we're still licking our wounds,
but the ones we had together were anew.  i am poison to you, that's my view.
but keep steady for a couple months, i'll be ready to jump for a fifth time,
we'll still call it "this time", a wish kind of purpose between us
and they all think i found jesus.
and life is truly about comparison, that's how i sum it up
so duly note the facts within, love is the hump
you have to climb it but i'll roll down it and run all around it
i'll grab a telescope and scope it out, have mercy with my doubt
yes self pity is a pity but i'm riddled with its forbidden feelings
it debuts every time it has an appearance, just as boldly fashioned as the first time
i'll conclude its the worst time, but its always a tie
and i catch a glimpse that changes my insides forever, i insist
til a couples months pass and that facade changes fast
can anything last?  for real the way you want it, unforced and nothing lost from the self
not just months of a hell you can bare, but a tell tale heaven thats founded and recorded and there is nothing left you long for, and you're not strong for something - you just are
and nothing is far, everything is as close as you keep it, and no ones leaving
the way you're used to seeing

Happiness Is Abundant, And In Short Supply. (It Doesn't Add Up).

we fight and i try and convince you that's what couples do. all your friends that i swear are bad news.
and it's sad when it's myself i lose, but you help me through.
so i find my soul and i'm reminded of what makes me tick,
all while these hinges feel on the brink of breaking.  so the door can open and
there's no mistaking i'll have the whole view.  uninterrupted.  i'm feeling so lucky - and you've never seen me cry so you swear i don't.
and between the lies we're all something else.  but mine is either all used up or stored stuffed within.
and i'm not sure which it is.
and when i'm on the toilet on my laptop, i realize that all this technology does have a purpose.  social media makes me anxious and i'd rather read hard copies.
hard copies.
remember floppies?  funny though how none of it shocks me.  it's just a new way to steal to me.
but hard copies has meaning, did you pause there?  was it because i made you?  would you like this handwritten in a cute mead memo pad?  does it make you sad?
you just see pictures and the comments aren't off the cuff, they were thought up, edited, and tested on others.
quite honestly i just miss my mother. when i have a spare second she always comes to mind and i know you can't rewind, but you can make up, so i just need to take up, space with time that fills with her.  i'm seven years old again and when she's not around i know i'm looking for a filler, someone to act as.
somewhere though the lines blurred and i just started acting like everyone was her.  has it made me feel better?  i'm unsure, but i think it's pretty clever.  a cat with nine lives, my mind jives, the lines hide whatever is really there.  was really there.
really there is gone.  and i'm not even scared anymore. cause i've faired it all.

Board Up The Windows, A Storm Is Brewing

we're in the mess hall, and you're feeding off the anger you said your mother provided.  and you're sweating and it's dripping and the room is slowly shrinking and it's making everyone in it seem bigger.  and i'm wondering to myself if we're going to leave together like we always planned, before strangers cut into our dance. and i'm thinking of how i can be laying next to you and miss you, proof we succumbed to the distance.  and sometimes you make me feel like loneliness just can't be real, it's just a dream i sometimes have when you're not close enough around.

but what happened to the perfection, where did it run off to, and can we catch it?  i'm not quite sure we're even trying, and i'm just dying to know how you see things in me because i know i don't and i want to.  so badly you can single handily remark one sentence and it's utterly refreshing.  my hope skyrockets and time stops.  and our hapless nature is forgotten for an string of instances that seem longer than any monotonous daily routine we expose ourselves to. and maybe thats where the hope goes.  so dense in a couple seconds that we're left with little

we might have exhausted all of the past that we stored, and it got us far but it's running out and i'm scared to death you don't see it so you're not uneasy.  so i've been devastated the for a couple months now and i wish we'd set a date to start building because the demolition is over.  just waiting on the waste to be hauled off.  so the time has come, but we both have to see it, i can't be the only witness.  and i can't tell you, you have to realize yourself but i'm standing still as i wait for you to usher in new life.  i know i say things i don't mean at you, i just say them faintly because i sometimes mistake my fears as real.  it takes my breath away and it seems all we'll ever have is a past, and memories that are stale and can't even be remembered off hand, i have to reach and dig deep and when i pull them up i crash cause i'm so burned out and sad, worried there will never be new ones there.  it just reminds me how it used to be on tap, constantly falling right into our laps.

Writing In Concrete

i spend so much time on the verge of tears, and possessed by all my fears. aches that stake my mind to the ground, and nothing good can be found just lost and as it walks through the door more hope falls.  i torture my heart, i put it through fake scenarios i begin to care about and get lost in depression when i shouldn't have went there.  i love torment, and i stay doormat in life.  i'm tired from dying of other deaths i've seen take place, and i repeat the same mistakes, its not a give and take.  being robbed by my idea of norms and repetitive songs that carry me away. i get lost for days and when i return i see the static nature of myself that i hate so much and it quells any happiness i might have harnessed while lost.  and i'm looking for someone to compel me with the grandest gesture, one worth storing forever.  like writing in concrete.  making a mark but never coming back, but the entire world can see it, and you can visit, but you don't need to because you know it's there.

The Self-Worth I Long For, I'll Eat It Alive

love is what we define it as.  for me it is believing in someone, holding them in the highest regard because i see the effect they have on me is only positive and divine.  love is the reason for working that crummy job, for retiling the bathroom floor, for sitting through a double date, and it's what i think about before i pass out at night and what i wake up to, god willing.

love has been my reason for getting over all the love i've lost.  for everything i've seen walk out the door reminded me that it walked through the door in the first place.

much of what we try and plan for doesn't go the way we'd like it to.  and i've wondered who is at fault.  who can i blame?  the expiration date is definitely a best by date and the best has been over.  and i look back on the memories and i feel this grave emptiness inside me and i wonder how my life has become so fruitless.  i'm so intimidated by life, i'm reaching for anything to grasp onto and cling to because being alone is making me wildly sad. and to the people who care about me, i want to beg them not to, so i can give up and having nothing because i need to know if it can get worse. i want to live out of my car, and sit alone in the harsh cold reality of my loneliness.  i want it to gather so much dust so that i can't breathe without it choking me. and i wont wish i was dead, i'll be dead.  and i'll coast through the idiosyncrasies of my being and adjust when necessary so that i can take everything i want and leave the rest to rot and age without me.  i want to hold grudges and hurt people all in the destructive path of my selfishness. i want to hurt you, and i want you to not want to wake up tomorrow because of me.  i want that. i want to get fired from jobs and quit jobs while standing up for what i believe in.  i want to toast to the bad times, and relive the great times, without a hint of redundancy on its breath.

and when i'm about to die, i want to look into the clouds and feel the most sincere sense of self-worth.

with you at my side.

Get Off

life has somehow gotten away from me.  life. the thing we yearn for, the things i've always wanted.  what i know i should be working towards, and for.  i'm out on a deserted island and i'm not even curious about how to get off.  get off.

i'm looking for all the excuses to throw the towel in and walk away from dreams and ambitions thats used to keep me restless and anxious.  the focus was drained each and every time i pretended not to care, not to love.  i would keep it all on a leash, and in a split second i was blindsided and i let go, and it went off running.  the initial flash has got me unsure of any sort of next more, life if i take a step left i'm giving up that step right.  the consequences are finally evident and my heart tells me that a sign will appear.  maybe it has and i missed it with my head down, staring at my feet.  misunderstanding all the reasons they're motionless and my thoughts are disconnected and borderline ridiculous.

and maybe throwing it all away is really just starting fresh, and it's not such a terrible thing.  but everyone wants to make you feel that way.  maybe i should stop listening to the opinions i know other people with surely share if i take that step left.  maybe i should just consider my feelings on stepping left.  with my hands at my sides, i'm looking straight ahead, and finally not behind, and that's refreshing, probably the most progress i've made in ages.  i ambush myself with the future cause it's the only thing that could ever hold significance, but its haunting not knowing exactly what that significance is.  it's like a constant daydream that i'm lost in.  wondering what still going to be there when i wake up, wondering what was never actually there.

Love Only Loosely

my heart skips for a beat or two, it makes me think of you, and then i don't know what to do.  after, every mistake feels fresh, like it's the first time i've made it.  maybe i'm wrong, and it's because i'm so raw, that first layer of skin has been pulled off. and i always have to learn everything the hard way, even when i know better ways.  i love to make mistakes and drown in heartache for months without rest.  an expedition i subconsciously set out on to make things harder. so i don't get farther. for excuses to feel sorry.  and i'd tell you darling that i'm not so great, don't sweat the heartache you left me with, i'm convinced our sins were a wild thing of beauty.  but it resembled love only loosely.  it might be hard for you to picture, with all the pictures you possess, and how picturesque an appearance you appeared as.  the life you lead may be vile to me but i just hope you're truly happy.  not the kind that you need to flaunt, but the kind you keep vaulted away from the evil and the poisons of the environment, the kind you're everything but stifled with - actually exactly what we had. before you brought it down, making accusations then saying nothing, stuffing your mailbox with my pleas, wishing you to see the love between, i wondered how you could leave.  the biggest tease, you lost me, and it cost me, i want a divorce from me.  i need to stop talking, i need to pretend it's the morning before we ever met, before this horrid test. before you made me wish it dead.

Around

lost, but in what way? it's hard to say.  i know what i want and whether i'll admit it to myself or not i have a pretty good understanding of what i'll need to do to make it all happen.  i've accumulated so many fears, in so little years, it ties me down and makes times feel infinite. but it is as definite as all my losses.  sometimes i wonder where it all goes, up in the air, or down in the ground.  either way it's not around.  every so often i can imagine it all at arms length and i always jump down its throat and ask it where it ran off to.  it just stares me down, it's never coming back around, and i know exactly why.  being static makes people unhappy and maybe we don't ever really change we just rearrange to answer the questions and make us feel settled.  so people just steal what isn't all theirs.  bonds break and people take their half, i just stare off into space cause i really can't take another heartbreak, and it feels very real.  i didn't plan it this way, i thought that we would stay as one unit, but i guess i didn't know what i was doing.  i just wish i knew how you felt, this is all the hand you dealt, and i'll never know why.  yet, i've come up with a dozen reasons for you leaving, but all of them have me believing that you'll be back, i still think you give a crap, at least a little, it's so chilling thinking otherwise, or picturing you with other lines and what you told, they weren't lies just time capsule words where you had our future told.

This Happens

i swear i'm past my past, i finally got it behind me and now i refuse to look back. i've been doing so much better, i never turn around. lately i ride my bike and i'm fond of being alone, it does me good having nothing to listen for. and my pain just hasn't been a factor, it can't bury me without any notice - where i would feel betrayed and relive the days that scolded me with ease.

so i've patched some failures up, and buried some at sea, and when they float back to shore i'll choose not to see.

September 6, 2011

i'm alone and depressed and i'm 22, everything seemed so much better when i was 15, the first time through.  and now all i needs a mirror so i can cut my own hair, cause i'll always be better off alone.  and maybe it's the more of me, or maybe it's the less of you, but this lowly life i lead is hurting me and i don't know what to do, probably never will, that's the life i lead.  and i've begged this life to provide another to protect me from my own insecurities, they've matured through the culture and morphed into a hellish beast that always has its eyes on me, i feel the glaring eyes, but i won't look into deceit, so it can keep its eyes on me.  i'm something of a warrior myself, i don't need to look tough.  i have been rung out and remade,  i do it alone and it drives me insane.  but now i'm just fighting what i predict is coming, which could be nothing.  i've been a fool before, it happens, then i grow sore.  but this times feels different like it could happen any minute.  that's probably why i'm so nervous, i'm biting my nails, and pretending they're steel.  after all i penned your death last night, put it all to rest last night - gave up the good fight for the greatest fight - i ended it last night.  only with myself, i'll keep it here 'til i need your help and remember why i saved it.  i didn't let it die, how could i when i wouldn't even cry, i'll let it all get stronger and i'll fight it when i'm sure it'll kill me.  when i'm sure i don't stand a chance - i'm just waiting for me to screw me.

It's Been What, 3 Months?

i want it all to be your fault so bad, but i can't cope, it's so sad.  ever since i could remember, it's been gone or asleep, no in between.  i dont' have the face to deal with all my mistakes so i change my ego and alter myself.  i call up all my closest friends and beg them for help.  none of them answer, so i head to the bar.  i haven't had a drink in ages, but i toast to disarm the despair that faults me, and brings me to the brink where i try not to care. i want so badly not to, it just seems you have a permanent spot though, in the pit of my heart, and then you just dart.  i miss you, you're splendid, you're smile, i miss it.  i shake things up to disorient my tastes.  i'm eager, but i'm going no where fast. and how long can this last? it makes no sense, i'm a negative, just a shadow of what i'll develop into.  and how will i fare?  some fortunes i'll want to spare.  i can't believe i've made it so far. i even have a job.  i can even laugh, it feels so fake, and then i'm mad at myself for not going along with how i think i should feel.  what's really the deal?  i'm unwittingly sad, and that's why i sometimes forget how i'll be this way until death.  but i'm also clever so i package it with smiles and close up your file.  tell everyone i'm "fine" and i'll give you no mind.  sure i'll always care, but i can't dance around the truth like i've been doing.  so i think of the most magnificent ballerina and how nothing could come between us.  but something did, not a rift. just your life. a promise you made, so i couldn't save you.  and the same scandalous dollars that sent me to college, blasted me down the drain where i'm set to remain.  and i know your vanity, could have brought on the insanity, and i don't place blame, but i'm just not the same as i was before all of this happened.  the places that took my life are ravage. i want to take out the garbage.  and i used to know grief, but now i know it so deep.  it's a devastating state to be in, when you're just looking for freedom.

A Good Morning

milk in a hot cup of coffee, now that's a good morning
hop in the car and blast the music, thinking about past excuses
put them all behind me , gonna stop walking blindly 
gonna shine soon, mighty fine too, done listening to whiney fools
thinking that they know best, thinking that they know it all, when they haven't even experienced anything close to my fall - it's all a big joke, quiet urself blokes, i'm only listening to myself and the greater good, some call him god, i call it mine
all the lies people tell you about success, they have it a mess - it's synonymous with happiness, there are no tests - just troubles, don't swell them or dwell if you wanna get anywhere repel 'em and take what you learned and instead of feeling burned rise up, act tough like you have it in you, then maybe you will

screw them with their focus and goals, that shit gets old
grab love for intangibles, and hand it to another man,
you can be poor and give respect for free, nobody here has it easy
sure i might be an asshole - capital A, trust your guts - stay away
i need to relax and reciprocate, and not the fuckin' misery
whichis been eating me alive, but the love that i get
it could smother me to death, i'm failing all the tests
i need a better head, i'm hot and you're ready
baked ziti and spaghetti

Mossy Evenings And I'm At Your Door

the strawberry lush, that we had to keep hush
you sinned and i could laugh it off, but it wasn't that simple
the things i do were the things i knew you didn't
i knew from the beginning that i couldn't win it
but you always told me to stop it,  to knock it off
i was worried, paranoid, you said i was false
that i shouldn't, things would end up brilliant
oh they ended, i couldn't protect it, so i blame myself
it's contagious, i never have a chance to save it
i should face it, it's my make up, i'm wasted
it's the gray area, like what comes after?

My Todays Are Already Yesterdays

i'm not doing so good, but i bet you wanna hear something new
i could lie and tell you the trees looked especially natural today
and it caught my eye as the breeze rustled the leaves, but
that would be a lie, i haven't recognized beauty in quite a while, but
believe me i'm still patiently waiting on it's arrival, til then
survival is a day by day operation, it's no overnight transformation
kick cans and smoke cigarettes, while passing time with other peoples prescriptions
wish me luck, you schmuck, not doing so good, doesn't mean i lose
i'll feel free to abuse the crap outta me, join in, i'm too crazed to care
anyway, there's nothing much here


i gotta stop beating myself over the small stuff
it's all junk, i'm getting so numb from overcoming
every issue that passes through the doors
maybe i can take just a little more baby
-if you're not up for saving me, today's a busy day
i get it, you'll come around, it's time
just by then i'm scared that we might be gone


i have to get out, leave the house, walk the block
i'm manic and maybe that's really what this is all about
but i'm not sure, nothing's clear, i keep it stored, it needs repairs
thank god for music, i dive into it, scream at the top of my lungs
and wonder where all this anger can really come from
i need to pass out before i think myself insane
i got some valid excuses, but i'm mainly to blame
and this heartache follows me almost everywhere
so i gotta go to sleep to put off the despair

Right Before Broken

i got enough hats to cap a small country
enough soul to raise marvin gaye and make him say
hayyyyyy, so much heart, screw it being torn apart
it's in one piece now, not even sure how
i quit asking questions, the answers got depressing
i got my eyes wide shut, nicole kidman
doing a damn thing, i'm just a kid, man!


about to hit the streets and grab some coffee,
call me if you wanna take a walk with me
i'll show you how to get high, and get by
a ten minute walk, you won't wanna keep score
i'll school you in seconds, life and love retention 
missteps and miscues, i'll put you right in someone else's shoes


i have some choices to make, but hey, i have time
can't expect to rise up over night, it's a fight
i have some people to forgive and lessons to live
some prayers to say, and changes to make
taking strides, with or with out you on my side
and if you're not with me, forgive me, we can't be pals
i'm on a high cal diet, i only feed with the fattest
only listen to the wisest, answer to a goddess
oh she's beside us, i'm beside myself, i need help
humpty dumpty something - put me back together
mend it, make it new, i have something to show you
underneath this hard exterior, i'm running scared
come find me, yell my name, i'll hear you
if i haven't gone insane, and changed my name
along with my story, it all got boring
reminiscing the same memories, insisting it's love
when hell i couldn't tell, i knew nothing well
well, that's not exactly true, i know how far and long i fell
i'm fucking up my shit all. over. you.

Sex With Myself, What Else?

i woke up this morning and masturbated, the drowsiness faded and i contemplated how depressed i can get.  another second and, the clarity will end. so,  i wonder what you'd have to say for me, if you didn't leave, believe you would have developed a bad taste for me, where's the disguise i misplaced you in, can i find it again?  all the sprawling minutes you hinted we might be finished, a discussion we never had to hold, i'd been told put my hands up and fold when love gets cold.  it was hot as hell on my end, but it wasn't much to depend in, or run with - not exactly sunkissed when you're a void, and it's hard to capture, but after the rapture you spilled over within me, i thought i had a god given right to never let you go, every wishing well, my change fell, hoping you'll return cause wishes come true, for a few - it's an impossibility but i'm not annoyed.  i'm just so numb i couldn't feel that the fire was set from the minute we met, lit like a candle, i never imagined the trance you fashioned canning me along with your love and together we took a vacation from life, we called it great love placement, after taking up the sexcapades, engineering sweeter dates, sure you moved on, and i've been doing fine, so whats really all the harm?  my friends get sick when i say your name, to them it's a game, what i felt ain't real just grapevine crap they couldnt care less about, ha they're buried in clout and what they think they want, but once you've found it and been around it, you yearn for nothing else, except escapes and trust and shit you make up to yourself you care about to flee the fight you knows gonna knock you out. but i'm already on the ground face up, everyone looking to trade up, i make mistakes but not that one, stay humble and free, how about next time stay with me.

i'm going back to sleep. peace.

The Sting

it's all my fault, all your flaws, i knew
and i bring out the worst in everyone i know
- i'm to blame, and for all that i crave
and how i explain my faulted ways
and why i expect the forsaken
to keep what i've thrown away
i watch the smoke float from my cigarette
a streaming gray string, and the sting
it reminds me of the time passing
and how if bloods so thick
it evaporates rather quick
like how the smoke is hardly there
it dissipates into thin air
resentment runs wild over the shouting
my temperament leaves for no allowing
all the pain stays, takes up residence
i don't give in and it's a life's sentence
you're not a treat yourself
we could all use a little help
give in for just a minute
see that you aren't finished
there's more to fix and add and make and mesh
we will work 'til death

Put Your Brain In The Blender & Press Puree

when you're busy questioning anything, remember that's life
try and love it out with the strife, and here's a heads up
maybe you should question why it is you're even loved
and what it is you're made of
instead of why everything's distasteful
fuck regrets and just be patient
life's a game of waiting, i'm on a time out
a most impressive hiatus
if u wanna join me, first off, provide proof you're not faking
i need instant gratification, put the ID away - i'm talking about that sensation
i get when folks are on the real shit like me, smoke trees, be free, dirty knees
and a diseased sense of moral codes we shop around then sell
to the highest bidder, perfectly fitting, take advantage of the shit of the litter
and i'm just feeling bigger! pushing closer to where i ought to be
talking to a broader audience, pick up the phone and rage to me
631-487-9081, i promise i'll listen until you're finished
cause it's NOT all the same to me

Imposters Roam, Keep Them From Knowing

now that it's over can i say we fucked?
or you still wanna call that making love?

and i'm pretty sensitive but even i knew better,
however, if i knew you'd leave i would have never gave what i did
gone so far, i'm just a lame kid, waiting on big changes
i'm scared shit of making, and that i'll probably end up wasting
but if i had a hand to hold walking along the frigid streets
i wouldn't creep along so slow, so i need to get started
keep myself away from all the martyrs
-pretty much you, and uh
so much for showing love, made up, face down
i paid you in sex, drugs, cash, and compliments
so what more could you have wanted?
and baby i don't make mistakes, so what they say can't be true
and you were what i was waiting on, the miracle
it was short lived, that god-given libido as a wandering sensation
that we were always busy making, and now as it lays wasted
can't believe you folded, but i can because before you did you told me
i guess it really is the same old, sad, boring story, love lost, no recovery
a relapse and an unfortunate function of my mind that comes with
it leaves me far behind the present, unaware of the next
and recovery is way more indulgent than just a 12 step

The Stuff Of The Utmost Importance

i swear i feel you watching me at work, i might be a bit disturbed.  but listen, i don't mind, i feel those eyes, eying me down.  watching me from afar, the horror of my sadness apparent with my head down staring at the brick wall - wishing i hit it after a free fall.  and i bet you see it, and it hits me. this never happened.  because if it had i wouldn't be writing this now, i'd have passed away, i mean i'm so choked up i'm barely breathing, and as this lifetime of mine unfolds, i consider all the times i've sold out.  wonder can i fall in love again? yet again, a hundredth time, for old times sake, i wish we could recreate the high school business we got down to in my back seat, my back killed me the day after, but there's nothing to regret in laughter.  and when i catch myself feeling sorry for the tear that you parted i recreate the happy days when our delicate love was caught up in the sands of time and the mammoth gaping hole you left that has brought me close to death wasn't here, but now i have that experience of the dire, i'm dying to require a stay of days for me to say whether or not i'll be able to keep stable during the before and after of a relationship bound disaster.  it's just taking us for a spin.

there's people who just lost stuff of the utmost importance to them
and they can't move, so what's our excuse?

It's Always At Home

i wish i could be one of those people who get even and not angry, but i'm the type of person who stops believing when things get rocky.  i wish i could stop it, but i'm just not, i'm weak.  it's feasible that after i've seasoned the loss i can pass it off as not much more than small sadness that lingered because i was already broke so i was bound to break.  and you were just a single straw, a light portion of whats come before, stuff that was scarier and worse, probably why i sold my soul when you happened upon my famished aching self.  i was poorly searching for a savior, a coach - what you did is cursed.  i lived in the moment, then died in the dream.  and they were all just scenes that you orchestrated to save you from the reality of your situation.  so much faking. and lies to yourself that put you through hell, those around you as well.  scapegoats you buy and then sell.  i hope you dwell over all that you dispel, so it's never really passed up, it's always at home.

Stake Your Flag On My Land

i'm going to redirect the putrid thoughts that trifle my brain
there's a lot of things i'm going to do after i bury you

like all the things you strictly told me not to,
paint bathroom stalls with your number, immature for sure
but funny when you get called
the revolution will carry on for months, shedding old skin
-in new light, and we will all rejoice at fall
the orange blooms!
and i'll swoon along with all the fools
dancing in streets, drum beats, epic laughter
and i begin to like me bitter without the heat
i have desires but they're weak, barely speak
i keep things i shouldn't, i do things you wouldn't
but the bad guy was cleared this time
you agreed so yourself,
ah what a help!

i do things that i don't respect
-but they aren't regrets
a sheltered life is great,
but it's just not my taste
my heart is my anchor,
my sail, and it's fighting

reach out a hand
there's a million of me
out there

Sit Down & Get Comfortable

the way you won't talk, at any cost
it makes me colder that you sold out
in a minute, you were finished
- didn't even phone it in
i found out from a friend, she said
"did you hear the news"
you were just another body i was bound to lose
broken pieces of my wall, took it all too:
the romantic highs and starry skies
us laying on lawns, well before the fall
you pinched me, but i stayed asleep
that's why i'm to blame
i was in the eye of you the storm i never saw coming
dust kicking up, head turning and i catch you running
out in the distance, finally decided on a principle
but you love to support what you knows gonna fall
- and you still haven't called
baseless faces, left in love and don't know what to make of it
wore my heart on my sleeve, and here's to you for taking it
- said i was wasting it,
but you used it on shallow wounds that will never heal
- not when there's deeper ones there
and you ripped off the band-aid, out the window where i landed on the freeway
- ironic as irony has it's way of being
silly with a chilly hush that imprisons you in winter
startling frames where the fictions that remain i wanna make real
but it'll take a miracle and gods busy fixing your situation
now i'll toil, wait until you fold, so i can tell you no
for now though,
i'm on some eternal sunshine of the spotless mind miss you shit
i'm going out, just to keep the hell in
ready for anything, set my grievances on fire, took in the smoke
new life inhaled, it's all about a chance that hadn't been there
i owe you, said thank you, but u couldn't say welcome
and that really sums up the whole thing

e!

i'll wake up in the middle of the night and watch chelsea handler alone, not that we ever watched it together, but i'll laugh at it hysterically and still feel so empty.  why do things have to be so real?  i was riding my bike home today and i crashed into the wall on the bridge that goes over the highway.  i bounced off it and i immediately thought about how much i miss you.  how much i've missed you.  but also how all the hurt does no good.  life is so redundant and the pain plays games and the will to control the hurt is worthless and sends a shot of embarrassment through my body.

check yourself before you wreck yourself.

huh?

no seriously, think about it.

if the product is placed on the shelf it has to be sold.  and you were just delivering what you sold.  i'm not gonna get into how i bought it, let's not talk about buyers remorse.  i'm friendly, to an extent, but this was much worse.  i opened up my wallet, while you went through my pockets.  and i didn't feel robbed until too much time had passed where i had nothing to charge you with.  you left me in peril, i did more than dance with the devil.  we dined, and i tried to rebuke your shuffling deceit that you used against me constantly.

Happy Times

i'm confused,
when i left you were here
but when i got back from work
-you're gone, all you left was a note
that said
to, me
your
dead

and i was trying to figure out what the fuck that meant
then i remember i don't curse, and i gave up
deciphering your bottom line indifferent speech
a couple months ago, i made a promise to myself
not to cry until after dusk, and it's been going well enough
'til i woke at noon the other day, from a nap, from a dream
where you had come to stay, with me everyday
when the sleep evacuated my eyes, i began to cry
not for feeling pitiful, or angry
but because of what i get myself entangled in
how the freedom leaves
me
alone

and i feel done
with getting up from
getting my heart torn
from my chest, and i swore
you off for death,
so 'til then

make grand memories with your fantasy family
leave me out of them all,
can you see all the smiles?

happy times
leave me out of them all
leave me out of them all

You're A Liar And I'm On Fire

hey you told me to call if anything was ever wrong or i needed to talk
it's meghan
something's very wrong, and i need to talk
can i come over?
yeah i got no where to go, i know you don't wanna hear it but my hearts broken again.  and this time i don't know if i want to take the time wasting putting it back together. i'm a failure, i know you won't let me believe that cause you always say it's a lie, but trust me.  i set the bar myself and i know where i end up.
i just thought i had a little longer yanno?  until the camels back broke, if you get what i'm saying.
well i knew it couldn't stay the same for very long, i guess i just wanted more.  that's me though, nothing is ever enough, and things that come close push me off the edge.  i'm the most humane creature surrounded by the most sadistic demons.  the ones who premeditate the murders before they set out.  they march with their strong hands forgetting their scared alter-egos that they left at home but will catch up with later.  and make no mistake about it, this will be a public display undoubtedly.
don't worry i'll just keep my distance, hide in the shadows of the loveless monsters.  maybe even eat dinner with her disguised as her own kind.
my organs on the outside pumping noxious liquids that'll kill you if you sip them, blind you if you breathe them, and set fire to anything that dare touch it.  my mouth spilling lies that capture strangers by the brains and praise them and their ways. and i'm all so fake.  we make up these persona's to stave us from the real drama, armor that has an offense, worn against persons who possess no defense - so what's the purpose? 
you're caught up in highs and moments.  i was wishing for a life to start, not more reasons to feel ripped apart.

The Mounding Winter Snow

my love grows like the mounding winter snow
beautiful pastures are now bitter cold
smothered beneath this crazy white dust
was a beautiful grass, tender as it was rushed
and i'm failing, i'm falling, i'm landing, i'm free
but stored under white, the potential energy

but when that blazing ball of fire
resumes it position in the sky
the snow will all fade faster than
how quickly my heart died

Instant Gratification

instant gratification feels so amazing
and yesterday I threw it for a loop
doing all this crazy shit with you
and we blast it all to space
not a second to hesitate
me and you, we knew it
all along, as we scoured through it
found nothing worth keeping
sour dances we junked years ago
begging each other, for something
or another, chance or shot
something worth thinking about
i'll put that detached romance to rest
never allow it another breath
erase the feeling of complete devastation
compassion was lacked and i was taken
inching my heart closer to breaking
i'll try out a new one, fit it with armor
prepare it for war, we know it's sure