I'm Not Sure Where To Start

     i took a trip, back in my mind, to a couple years ago, when i was feeble and you didn't exist. and i wonder what it would have been like then. could you have propped me up, would you have had the strength? i didn't know your name when i was at my worst. what and who pulled me out is still an unmanageable discussion. but one fact we can get straight is it wasn't you. and now i know come spring you'll be gone. and i'm still not sure what for. was it my lack of enthusiasm for anything other than you. and i stopped trying to explain to you long ago how my low self-esteem leads me blindly into these horrifying positions where i give up my grasp on the difference between good and evil. i look back at whats happened and i gasp, that couldn't have been me? i did that?  and the repercussions you owned at that moment left violent welts across everything. its become safe to say that nothing has been the same since.

     a couple months pass by and we are without a doubt back to our favorite position. we hold court down the hall in the den. and i always remind you that you're my best friend, and that i wouldn't ask for more. but now we're months removed from that perfect storm. from the times when our fights ended with messy beds and sweat. and the truth is, being with you i grew fond of everythinag that i once hated. acceptance swarmed about my life and i truly felt happiness for the first time. i never knew what you were thinking. a hiccup that suddenly blew up in my face, i couldn't let it go. and maybe i'm the share master and you can't relate. i want to ask you a million questions, and i want a million answers. you will be drained, quite literally, and i'll carry you home, and tuck you in, put on a movie and watch you with all my senses. i can't comprehend that me and you are in the single digits. everytime we're together i know in my heart that its one of the last, and i can't do anything to stop it. i grab the handle in the train car and i peer out the window. i'm in self-destruct mode and i can't get out, i'm suffocating. your far off in the distance holding a conversation with a total stranger. and maybe i lucked out, i gain nothing, and yet i'm free. because i decided myself, and thats what i'm going by now.

     so don't look for me in the den, i won't be there. and don't call for me when you're in trouble, and least of all when you're lonely. when you're lonely sit with your shallow heart and play the tunes of the past. and how you got us here. a puppeteer all along, how did i miss it? oh, you were so efficient.  and truthfully i don't even want to make up for lost time, i want you to learn that the very actions you engage in, start the engine that drives the car, and the words you speak steer and your ambition hits the gas, and where you end up is maybe none of my business but i hope its far from me.

Stake In The Ground Where You Stand

pain is a tremendous burden, but it is warrented. and i could say that it molds us, or shapes us, but the truth is that isn't painful enough. it carves us, and pieces of ourselves go missing, they need to for us to become what we've set to become. something instills this pressure on us, until a piece of us breaks off, and is no longer with us. pain is an obstacle, but not one you can just get over, you must learn to accept and live with it. you can't magnify it, or reason it - it just is.

and you might ask where does all the time go, like it's run out, but if you're saying that then there are still moments that you can grasp and seize, moments that you can make your own, and ones you can identify as part of you. and you want to keep it that way forever. you can't run and be scared of what you've lost, you have to learn to let go of the missing pieces, the pieces that have been lost that way you can be you again. it might not be exactly the you that you remember, but you have to pray that its one you can live with. and the fact that these pieces have gone have made new parts of you visible, and they can get air and be seen and tried out. and change is necessary, or else we'd all just stay the same, maybe you get worse to get better. don't ask me, i'm not sure what it's all for.

it's kind of like this, have you ever wanted to forgot something, and then you finally do, and you sort of wish you could recall it. we have to be careful of what we cast aside, sometimes it seems like the only way, but hanging on is okay too. just be sincere, or try, or at least to yourself in the mirror, repeat the truth.  beat yourself with the things you need to survive, it's not outlandish it's incandescent.  you'll light up the room, full of all the forgotten you's it took to survive. while embarassment may lurk in the shadows, don't let it restrain you, a mistake many have made. and their future is chock full of bashful moments where they don't themselves from an atypical stranger passing on the street. and due to this they reach out to anyone, but primarily to those who have no roots in the world.

When You Call I Silence That Shit

I can't wait to get to you, and when i do, i press the news. i want the latest, i don't actually wanna know any of the details, i just want the general idea. how far away did you stray, how much did i get in the way? did you think of me as often as i thought of the end of what was my life. i had always pictured us together, for as long as i can remember. the pedestal i placed you on has cracked and smells of mold, but you know i didn't toss it out i used it so i could make a match and place you back where you belonged. and i'm telling you the world laughed in my face as i sung the same old song. about you and me and ecstasy. and i bargained with the lord, i told him i would take the path that they all assumed i'd take, and that i'd try my best and all the festering pain from all the losses, i would no longer let it get to me. i promised i'd screw it up and get it off my scent and it would never come back and haunt me. and if it did i'd call in the worlds greatest ghost hunter and i'd commit a sin with the witchcraft to scare the demons away. but i never minded confession, it teaches me a lesson every time, about me, the me minus you. and now that i'm getting older i find it so hard to believe that nothing has changed, i'm still a sap and i still like it that way. i'll tell you though, i put all my mistakes, and miscues in a coffin and i buried them with the best of me, uhh i mean the worst of me. yeah i tossed it, it was right after i lost it all, it was like a car accident, the adjuster told me i should start over, but i grabbed him by the balls and i told him that life is never about giving up, it's about putting up, and rising to the occassion. that day i felt like a raft on the most dangerous of white water trails, cause i had to hand it to him, taking the easy way sure looked ripe, and nice and it didn't smell so noxious like doing the right thing does. but i've always been someone who has myself convinced that no matter how great the sinner, the deeds of the past aren't so much a mold for the future as they are a reminder of how standard you can actually be. and i got away with it for sometime, but it mostly served as a phone call to my future self, a warning. now i'm longing for a clean slate, a fresh start, a new beginning, let me get past the sinning masochistic ways that made me who i was for too long. self deprecation had its reign, and now i'll allow myself to heal.

What We Really Were

if years from now you tell a lover that i'm the reason you won't trust another, i'll understand. and baby if you ache for me, but can't stand the sight of me, i'll understand. and if sometimes in a dream, you breathe, and you don't see, but you know it's me, i'll be there. and when you awake with tears in your eyes and a mind filled with mistrust and misgivings, i'll take responsibility. oh yeah, i'll be there. and i know i didn't share every failure and misfortune because i didn't think you could handle it.  meanwhile you're the only one who ever had a handle on me. and it wasn't so much control as it was love, baby i was there. and i was there for you, as much as i could, and i could be cliche and tell you i gave you all i got, but that just wouldn't be the truth. i gave what i wanted, and took what i needed, and the entire time i dismissed you to the dark. and you threw around accusations, but there was never justice. after you i know there'll be no lusting. you allowed me to live within this life of paper cutouts and one liners, shiners from the fist fights where i just stood still and waited for time to resume. and my apologies were well fed and heavy, but they couldn't make up for the feelings i ended. and you had a box of excuses, you put me through it, and i started a shoo in - and baby you'll remain right there.  but we ended it all with a futile attempt to resurrect from death the sheath that blanketed us from what we really were. we turned to disguises because we couldn't bare to be mad at one another at face value, a place so shallow. we got caught up in the roles, keeping up with the couples, and this is where we are at the moment. but maybe it we slow it down, we can turn it around, come out from the cover. i always want you to be he company i keep, not a company i need, not a profit i seek, but a locked-in between two of us, and baby that's where we'll be.

I'm Nothing Special (Especially Next To You)

i find myself being just an extension of you, and it puts me up in cloud nine, eerily close to heaven.  and you beckon.  since we've been together i've learned the meaning of the word guilt, and i apologize.  i've never believed that people change, but i can somewhat see it now in myself which gives the idea a heartbeat.  you came from a part of me that swooned toward reconciliation, of an us.  where i had never needed anybody, or at least trained my conscious mind to live "as though", you are the opposite.  it's written all in the pages of your past, your words devouring mine about love and commitment.  i fell in love, and i didn't care who you were, because i just yearned for something new sculpted out of your blossoming take on utopia.  and the visionary in you is what reeled me in, and i knew it would be brilliant and not diffident. now i raid my own concepts and perspectives and align them with yours.  i've never been more fond of an innocence i am now living in. and your company is ripe and when i find it sour it lasts less than an hour. in those moments i'm more bleeding my past inconsistencies and torment, it's not that i'm unhappy with you. our divided times are meaningless and bring me little to boast about, but you decry that fact that i sometimes do.  i haven't yet told you hunny, but i'm human. my condolences to your aching ego that had thought it scored itself the supreme being, and i'm never quite sure if you just envisioned me as such or just mistaken me as. regardless i know now after all these months that i will never live up to the potential you see, what's in me is flat. i'm dizzy and not to be trusted, and with you parading your opinions about me the revolt that never was suddenly has itself a spark. and you warn me. but i try and explain that with no accelerant i'll always be standing next to you. and you won't notice that i'm solid waste until my charm wears off and resentment runs circles around us and laps the love. i trust that our togetherness is nothing temporary, and you should get on board. faith is a powerful tool, it's what i use. it determines what will come of.

The Lesser Of Two Evils

i sit back and take a good look.  well the best view i can get with everything that has been blowing up in my face.  my overindulgence as of late could break the scale you bought me with.  and sometimes when you're asleep i look at you and i wonder if i'd want  me if i was as strong and pure as you.  you are dripping with emotion, and they all can't wait their turn.  i fill you with rage until our tears come out boiling and they burn through everything we created when they fall.  and lately i just feel like an over extension of my younger days, yielding maybe less hate but certainly the same grief.  and i heard there's no shame in never letting go of your hurt, as long as you keep room for other things as well.  and my capabilities have been squashed by a desire to bury myself in pain, and guilt. and maybe it has no conclusion, no final result.  will this continue until i'm older and less excitable than i am at this very moment.

oh and you - i know what you've come back for.  because every time i reprise the role of the phoenix you whisper that it's only the next time that will create that arc.  finally i will manifest that true destiny that has been with me the entire time.  only then will i see the light.  and i haven't been scared of the dark this entire time, rather wishing myself out of it simply because i know that diligence has not paid off primarily in my lifetime.  and i miss all that deserves missing, and at what cost.  should i get down on my knees, create that visual aid towards what i feel. in my most honest moments i'm neither happy nor sad, just daring and taking aim at the repercussions.  and that light to which you think i'm a guide, i'm not.  more like a microscopic parasite feeding with your delight.  and this isn't our divine comedy, as success rests in the eye of the beholder, failure rests within.

"I Thought It Was Strange You Said Everything Changed"

i am maybe the first person to be doing the wrong things for the right reason.  love is above all an accomplishment, today more than ever.  we are a severely broken marriage when we're only steady dating.  i wander around your house, the one you've invited me into, and without caution i might add. i don't think you had a hesitation about me, a second thought.  nobody does, not about me.  i'm hardy, i'm american in all the right ways.  i trust everyone who's breathing, i'd give to anybody with their hand out, and my heart is growling now from all the ambitious years i spent saving myself from utter disappointment by sticking my head in the sand.

i woke up and i realized i don't have a home.  and it's painful, indeed.  it takes me a couple years to become aware of my situation as a tramp in a world where trust is fading fast.  have i garnered much to brag about?  i cant count over 30,000 smiles from random strangers crossing my path in a fleeting moment, a reputation as a soldier who runs to the front-lines, a do-gooder who wants nothing to show for it, a philanderer who simply can't afford to put a ring on it, and wouldn't do that do anyone, above all you.

so paint your nails black and cry yourself to sleep tonight.  i'm waiting for the drug dealer to arrive, and i'm practically pulling my hair out.  he might be my favorite person to see.  and he's a pretend friend, another soul on the sidelines of my life.  watches as i use all my might to disassemble my life, i save all the pieces and put them back in their package and mail them back to their rightful owner. i remember what time you called it compartmentalize.

and i'm in heaven now, i'm warm, and maybe now i wish you'd call.  but i ring you, and leave a message - cause that's what best friends do.

Reflect As You Want

i display a spectrum of emotion in a minute and sometimes i let you listen, i know i look distant.  i believe you wonder how we dwell together - you believe it, but i went through hell together and that habitual wreath of anger that i wear around my neck, i've warned you of it, now you peek at it, and it can flare up, but the swelling has gone down since you took me around, it's just not as heavy, you've pointed out all the redundancy to me and i've plucked it off.

i thought of how the diseased leaves would feed around 5 maturing souls who already chose a path.  and i know i tell you all the time, but i'd  be nothing without you.  i count 100 blades of grass in your parents garden and i hear 100 voices coming through the armory, with you at my side the impossible has shifted to possible.  i wish you could witness what you've gifted life me above the corpse of my past.  it was your love that swayed from a rehash.  the guides told me "rework what you have" while you said to toss it all out, to be terrified but pay no attention to the limitations it would spew out - you'll be new now.

so i threw it all out, the anger and expectations, the values adjacent to norm, and it was a storm.  i was sick daily, but i wasn't failing, it's sorta funny too because before i begun i expressed my distress to you, i was weak, no way i could accomplish this feat, the words expelled from me, never, can't, how can i - while you stood there steady in silence and displayed what gave me hope, and yet you handed it to me.  how stranded i thought i'd be, then when the tailspin started i didn't want to market how near i was to an emotional collapse, but i was promised and i swear on the sky i saw you lose patience, even if it was just as you maintained them, yes you stayed with me and held up a mirror and directed me not to cower but you reflect my passion, love and strength.

A Farewell To Arms

lately i've been thinking about my old life, the one i used to live.   i was always trying to get the room to spin.  and i can't tell you why but i fell for the lie.  and it was a way to cope, but the steepest slope and once i began to fall it wasn't my call.  and you screamed to take a life preserver, i called back that it was nice to know you, but i'd rather be twice the deserter that have unfulfilled ambitions and old sedated wishes.  and you store yours in the attic, but it's more than being phatic, we've lived the same life and you can blame strife but even if it was all apathetic, i can't say that i regret it.  i know you never will, you could live a hundred lives and repeat all your mistakes, with vivid memories of what happened every time before.

and i'm like an alley cat leaving gifts on your porch, any excuse to come into the warmth.  i sleep under cars, and beside bars.  i hide my face from perfect strangers.  but sometimes after i've cried for hours about feeling like i have nothing and nobody, i feel like i'm floating.  for a couple days after i carry myself better, its like i shelf the depression.  and the present is a must-have, sorta seize-the-moment-or-else type of bit, but i'm still not believing it, it's some freakin' shit.  don't get me wrong, i'll give you the right.  paint a still life and try not to think of me.

listen dear, i'm closer than you think.  out here on the streets all the free time i have makes everything feel so close.

Last Night Was Wild

last night was wild, and not the good kind.  sometimes i think i've changed you, only for the worst.  i wonder vaguely who you were when we first met, cause i can't remember, but i see you now and i know something is different.  i'm not the same either.  but when we first met you knew every single side of me, i didn't hide a thing.  but it seems like every day i witness a new angle you take, or a mood you relay.  like a tonic you drink and you're lost and taking the kitchen sink.  what you love to do is get angry.  remind me all the things i'm doing wrong and how i'm a liar because i promise you i'd do anything for you.  you repeat what i say then deem it a lie.  assign it a poison, you can't pass it by.  i really don't mind.  i just sing that meatloaf song in my head, because i would do anything for you love, but i will not do that.  if i do i know within the next week i'll be on my hands and knees as you would have found a substitute, or the latest devil.  and the witchcraft is getting old, it's soggy from all the tears.  i absorb each one as painful as the last, and i want it to pass as quickly as possibly, so quickly its just a flash and there's nothing to really remember it by.  but you want to let it get comfortable, take its shoes off and make itself at home.  it turns our home upside down and i'm sitting on the ceiling looking down at the room wondering how i can make it out the door without you noticing.  i need a distraction, to get some traction.  you're cut throat, but i'm just a jerk.  is it lust or hurt?  we yearn for one another, but the others prove us wrong.  meant for one another, does it mean a thing at all?  have you seen us take it all the way, i look in the mirror and my mistakes stare back, they're grinning and i'm gritting my teeth and bracing myself.  now my health is in your hands, and it's an enormous responsibility.

Teddy Bear On The Floor Face Down (AKA Lenghty Emo Title)

i think about murder like frying an egg, self defense
waiting for the influx of anger, and then subsequent damage
i feel your life leave, and i drop to my knees
i'm hot and disoriented but you're cold and it was a choice you made
but now you're laid down, and i'm insane - yes.
that's what i'll plea, call the press tell them about the eggs
it wasn't my choice, just all the noise, was in my head
and it was making my mind, no, my brain, relay messages all ignorant and angry
and you fancied me a mad hatter, how i stopped time and then the disregard for the future didn't seem so shocking.  and i'm flagrant with my madness, cause despair is what repairs it
so where is there a choice in that situation?
i'm faced with being crazed or no sensations
and you will not catch me in your net, sitting or lying or laying or what have you,
wasting away with my dreams on a back-burner called denial
and you go senile because the reality will maim you
and yes these dreams are just my wantings
but i'm a fiend so there ain't a chance at me stopping
but functioning has been all you know, and you know it oh so well
you wouldn't want to bump heads with floating, and not knowing what's coming up next
but you did know me best, so well in fact, you knew that it would end
and it would end a mess, in both sense. because we're still licking our wounds,
but the ones we had together were anew.  i am poison to you, that's my view.
but keep steady for a couple months, i'll be ready to jump for a fifth time,
we'll still call it "this time", a wish kind of purpose between us
and they all think i found jesus.
and life is truly about comparison, that's how i sum it up
so duly note the facts within, love is the hump
you have to climb it but i'll roll down it and run all around it
i'll grab a telescope and scope it out, have mercy with my doubt
yes self pity is a pity but i'm riddled with its forbidden feelings
it debuts every time it has an appearance, just as boldly fashioned as the first time
i'll conclude its the worst time, but its always a tie
and i catch a glimpse that changes my insides forever, i insist
til a couples months pass and that facade changes fast
can anything last?  for real the way you want it, unforced and nothing lost from the self
not just months of a hell you can bare, but a tell tale heaven thats founded and recorded and there is nothing left you long for, and you're not strong for something - you just are
and nothing is far, everything is as close as you keep it, and no ones leaving
the way you're used to seeing

Happiness Is Abundant, And In Short Supply. (It Doesn't Add Up).

we fight and i try and convince you that's what couples do. all your friends that i swear are bad news.
and it's sad when it's myself i lose, but you help me through.
so i find my soul and i'm reminded of what makes me tick,
all while these hinges feel on the brink of breaking.  so the door can open and
there's no mistaking i'll have the whole view.  uninterrupted.  i'm feeling so lucky - and you've never seen me cry so you swear i don't.
and between the lies we're all something else.  but mine is either all used up or stored stuffed within.
and i'm not sure which it is.
and when i'm on the toilet on my laptop, i realize that all this technology does have a purpose.  social media makes me anxious and i'd rather read hard copies.
hard copies.
remember floppies?  funny though how none of it shocks me.  it's just a new way to steal to me.
but hard copies has meaning, did you pause there?  was it because i made you?  would you like this handwritten in a cute mead memo pad?  does it make you sad?
you just see pictures and the comments aren't off the cuff, they were thought up, edited, and tested on others.
quite honestly i just miss my mother. when i have a spare second she always comes to mind and i know you can't rewind, but you can make up, so i just need to take up, space with time that fills with her.  i'm seven years old again and when she's not around i know i'm looking for a filler, someone to act as.
somewhere though the lines blurred and i just started acting like everyone was her.  has it made me feel better?  i'm unsure, but i think it's pretty clever.  a cat with nine lives, my mind jives, the lines hide whatever is really there.  was really there.
really there is gone.  and i'm not even scared anymore. cause i've faired it all.

Board Up The Windows, A Storm Is Brewing

we're in the mess hall, and you're feeding off the anger you said your mother provided.  and you're sweating and it's dripping and the room is slowly shrinking and it's making everyone in it seem bigger.  and i'm wondering to myself if we're going to leave together like we always planned, before strangers cut into our dance. and i'm thinking of how i can be laying next to you and miss you, proof we succumbed to the distance.  and sometimes you make me feel like loneliness just can't be real, it's just a dream i sometimes have when you're not close enough around.

but what happened to the perfection, where did it run off to, and can we catch it?  i'm not quite sure we're even trying, and i'm just dying to know how you see things in me because i know i don't and i want to.  so badly you can single handily remark one sentence and it's utterly refreshing.  my hope skyrockets and time stops.  and our hapless nature is forgotten for an string of instances that seem longer than any monotonous daily routine we expose ourselves to. and maybe thats where the hope goes.  so dense in a couple seconds that we're left with little

we might have exhausted all of the past that we stored, and it got us far but it's running out and i'm scared to death you don't see it so you're not uneasy.  so i've been devastated the for a couple months now and i wish we'd set a date to start building because the demolition is over.  just waiting on the waste to be hauled off.  so the time has come, but we both have to see it, i can't be the only witness.  and i can't tell you, you have to realize yourself but i'm standing still as i wait for you to usher in new life.  i know i say things i don't mean at you, i just say them faintly because i sometimes mistake my fears as real.  it takes my breath away and it seems all we'll ever have is a past, and memories that are stale and can't even be remembered off hand, i have to reach and dig deep and when i pull them up i crash cause i'm so burned out and sad, worried there will never be new ones there.  it just reminds me how it used to be on tap, constantly falling right into our laps.

Writing In Concrete

i spend so much time on the verge of tears, and possessed by all my fears. aches that stake my mind to the ground, and nothing good can be found just lost and as it walks through the door more hope falls.  i torture my heart, i put it through fake scenarios i begin to care about and get lost in depression when i shouldn't have went there.  i love torment, and i stay doormat in life.  i'm tired from dying of other deaths i've seen take place, and i repeat the same mistakes, its not a give and take.  being robbed by my idea of norms and repetitive songs that carry me away. i get lost for days and when i return i see the static nature of myself that i hate so much and it quells any happiness i might have harnessed while lost.  and i'm looking for someone to compel me with the grandest gesture, one worth storing forever.  like writing in concrete.  making a mark but never coming back, but the entire world can see it, and you can visit, but you don't need to because you know it's there.

The Self-Worth I Long For, I'll Eat It Alive

love is what we define it as.  for me it is believing in someone, holding them in the highest regard because i see the effect they have on me is only positive and divine.  love is the reason for working that crummy job, for retiling the bathroom floor, for sitting through a double date, and it's what i think about before i pass out at night and what i wake up to, god willing.

love has been my reason for getting over all the love i've lost.  for everything i've seen walk out the door reminded me that it walked through the door in the first place.

much of what we try and plan for doesn't go the way we'd like it to.  and i've wondered who is at fault.  who can i blame?  the expiration date is definitely a best by date and the best has been over.  and i look back on the memories and i feel this grave emptiness inside me and i wonder how my life has become so fruitless.  i'm so intimidated by life, i'm reaching for anything to grasp onto and cling to because being alone is making me wildly sad. and to the people who care about me, i want to beg them not to, so i can give up and having nothing because i need to know if it can get worse. i want to live out of my car, and sit alone in the harsh cold reality of my loneliness.  i want it to gather so much dust so that i can't breathe without it choking me. and i wont wish i was dead, i'll be dead.  and i'll coast through the idiosyncrasies of my being and adjust when necessary so that i can take everything i want and leave the rest to rot and age without me.  i want to hold grudges and hurt people all in the destructive path of my selfishness. i want to hurt you, and i want you to not want to wake up tomorrow because of me.  i want that. i want to get fired from jobs and quit jobs while standing up for what i believe in.  i want to toast to the bad times, and relive the great times, without a hint of redundancy on its breath.

and when i'm about to die, i want to look into the clouds and feel the most sincere sense of self-worth.

with you at my side.

Get Off

life has somehow gotten away from me.  life. the thing we yearn for, the things i've always wanted.  what i know i should be working towards, and for.  i'm out on a deserted island and i'm not even curious about how to get off.  get off.

i'm looking for all the excuses to throw the towel in and walk away from dreams and ambitions thats used to keep me restless and anxious.  the focus was drained each and every time i pretended not to care, not to love.  i would keep it all on a leash, and in a split second i was blindsided and i let go, and it went off running.  the initial flash has got me unsure of any sort of next more, life if i take a step left i'm giving up that step right.  the consequences are finally evident and my heart tells me that a sign will appear.  maybe it has and i missed it with my head down, staring at my feet.  misunderstanding all the reasons they're motionless and my thoughts are disconnected and borderline ridiculous.

and maybe throwing it all away is really just starting fresh, and it's not such a terrible thing.  but everyone wants to make you feel that way.  maybe i should stop listening to the opinions i know other people with surely share if i take that step left.  maybe i should just consider my feelings on stepping left.  with my hands at my sides, i'm looking straight ahead, and finally not behind, and that's refreshing, probably the most progress i've made in ages.  i ambush myself with the future cause it's the only thing that could ever hold significance, but its haunting not knowing exactly what that significance is.  it's like a constant daydream that i'm lost in.  wondering what still going to be there when i wake up, wondering what was never actually there.

Love Only Loosely

my heart skips for a beat or two, it makes me think of you, and then i don't know what to do.  after, every mistake feels fresh, like it's the first time i've made it.  maybe i'm wrong, and it's because i'm so raw, that first layer of skin has been pulled off. and i always have to learn everything the hard way, even when i know better ways.  i love to make mistakes and drown in heartache for months without rest.  an expedition i subconsciously set out on to make things harder. so i don't get farther. for excuses to feel sorry.  and i'd tell you darling that i'm not so great, don't sweat the heartache you left me with, i'm convinced our sins were a wild thing of beauty.  but it resembled love only loosely.  it might be hard for you to picture, with all the pictures you possess, and how picturesque an appearance you appeared as.  the life you lead may be vile to me but i just hope you're truly happy.  not the kind that you need to flaunt, but the kind you keep vaulted away from the evil and the poisons of the environment, the kind you're everything but stifled with - actually exactly what we had. before you brought it down, making accusations then saying nothing, stuffing your mailbox with my pleas, wishing you to see the love between, i wondered how you could leave.  the biggest tease, you lost me, and it cost me, i want a divorce from me.  i need to stop talking, i need to pretend it's the morning before we ever met, before this horrid test. before you made me wish it dead.

Around

lost, but in what way? it's hard to say.  i know what i want and whether i'll admit it to myself or not i have a pretty good understanding of what i'll need to do to make it all happen.  i've accumulated so many fears, in so little years, it ties me down and makes times feel infinite. but it is as definite as all my losses.  sometimes i wonder where it all goes, up in the air, or down in the ground.  either way it's not around.  every so often i can imagine it all at arms length and i always jump down its throat and ask it where it ran off to.  it just stares me down, it's never coming back around, and i know exactly why.  being static makes people unhappy and maybe we don't ever really change we just rearrange to answer the questions and make us feel settled.  so people just steal what isn't all theirs.  bonds break and people take their half, i just stare off into space cause i really can't take another heartbreak, and it feels very real.  i didn't plan it this way, i thought that we would stay as one unit, but i guess i didn't know what i was doing.  i just wish i knew how you felt, this is all the hand you dealt, and i'll never know why.  yet, i've come up with a dozen reasons for you leaving, but all of them have me believing that you'll be back, i still think you give a crap, at least a little, it's so chilling thinking otherwise, or picturing you with other lines and what you told, they weren't lies just time capsule words where you had our future told.

This Happens

i swear i'm past my past, i finally got it behind me and now i refuse to look back. i've been doing so much better, i never turn around. lately i ride my bike and i'm fond of being alone, it does me good having nothing to listen for. and my pain just hasn't been a factor, it can't bury me without any notice - where i would feel betrayed and relive the days that scolded me with ease.

so i've patched some failures up, and buried some at sea, and when they float back to shore i'll choose not to see.

September 6, 2011

i'm alone and depressed and i'm 22, everything seemed so much better when i was 15, the first time through.  and now all i needs a mirror so i can cut my own hair, cause i'll always be better off alone.  and maybe it's the more of me, or maybe it's the less of you, but this lowly life i lead is hurting me and i don't know what to do, probably never will, that's the life i lead.  and i've begged this life to provide another to protect me from my own insecurities, they've matured through the culture and morphed into a hellish beast that always has its eyes on me, i feel the glaring eyes, but i won't look into deceit, so it can keep its eyes on me.  i'm something of a warrior myself, i don't need to look tough.  i have been rung out and remade,  i do it alone and it drives me insane.  but now i'm just fighting what i predict is coming, which could be nothing.  i've been a fool before, it happens, then i grow sore.  but this times feels different like it could happen any minute.  that's probably why i'm so nervous, i'm biting my nails, and pretending they're steel.  after all i penned your death last night, put it all to rest last night - gave up the good fight for the greatest fight - i ended it last night.  only with myself, i'll keep it here 'til i need your help and remember why i saved it.  i didn't let it die, how could i when i wouldn't even cry, i'll let it all get stronger and i'll fight it when i'm sure it'll kill me.  when i'm sure i don't stand a chance - i'm just waiting for me to screw me.

It's Been What, 3 Months?

i want it all to be your fault so bad, but i can't cope, it's so sad.  ever since i could remember, it's been gone or asleep, no in between.  i dont' have the face to deal with all my mistakes so i change my ego and alter myself.  i call up all my closest friends and beg them for help.  none of them answer, so i head to the bar.  i haven't had a drink in ages, but i toast to disarm the despair that faults me, and brings me to the brink where i try not to care. i want so badly not to, it just seems you have a permanent spot though, in the pit of my heart, and then you just dart.  i miss you, you're splendid, you're smile, i miss it.  i shake things up to disorient my tastes.  i'm eager, but i'm going no where fast. and how long can this last? it makes no sense, i'm a negative, just a shadow of what i'll develop into.  and how will i fare?  some fortunes i'll want to spare.  i can't believe i've made it so far. i even have a job.  i can even laugh, it feels so fake, and then i'm mad at myself for not going along with how i think i should feel.  what's really the deal?  i'm unwittingly sad, and that's why i sometimes forget how i'll be this way until death.  but i'm also clever so i package it with smiles and close up your file.  tell everyone i'm "fine" and i'll give you no mind.  sure i'll always care, but i can't dance around the truth like i've been doing.  so i think of the most magnificent ballerina and how nothing could come between us.  but something did, not a rift. just your life. a promise you made, so i couldn't save you.  and the same scandalous dollars that sent me to college, blasted me down the drain where i'm set to remain.  and i know your vanity, could have brought on the insanity, and i don't place blame, but i'm just not the same as i was before all of this happened.  the places that took my life are ravage. i want to take out the garbage.  and i used to know grief, but now i know it so deep.  it's a devastating state to be in, when you're just looking for freedom.

A Good Morning

milk in a hot cup of coffee, now that's a good morning
hop in the car and blast the music, thinking about past excuses
put them all behind me , gonna stop walking blindly 
gonna shine soon, mighty fine too, done listening to whiney fools
thinking that they know best, thinking that they know it all, when they haven't even experienced anything close to my fall - it's all a big joke, quiet urself blokes, i'm only listening to myself and the greater good, some call him god, i call it mine
all the lies people tell you about success, they have it a mess - it's synonymous with happiness, there are no tests - just troubles, don't swell them or dwell if you wanna get anywhere repel 'em and take what you learned and instead of feeling burned rise up, act tough like you have it in you, then maybe you will

screw them with their focus and goals, that shit gets old
grab love for intangibles, and hand it to another man,
you can be poor and give respect for free, nobody here has it easy
sure i might be an asshole - capital A, trust your guts - stay away
i need to relax and reciprocate, and not the fuckin' misery
whichis been eating me alive, but the love that i get
it could smother me to death, i'm failing all the tests
i need a better head, i'm hot and you're ready
baked ziti and spaghetti

Mossy Evenings And I'm At Your Door

the strawberry lush, that we had to keep hush
you sinned and i could laugh it off, but it wasn't that simple
the things i do were the things i knew you didn't
i knew from the beginning that i couldn't win it
but you always told me to stop it,  to knock it off
i was worried, paranoid, you said i was false
that i shouldn't, things would end up brilliant
oh they ended, i couldn't protect it, so i blame myself
it's contagious, i never have a chance to save it
i should face it, it's my make up, i'm wasted
it's the gray area, like what comes after?

My Todays Are Already Yesterdays

i'm not doing so good, but i bet you wanna hear something new
i could lie and tell you the trees looked especially natural today
and it caught my eye as the breeze rustled the leaves, but
that would be a lie, i haven't recognized beauty in quite a while, but
believe me i'm still patiently waiting on it's arrival, til then
survival is a day by day operation, it's no overnight transformation
kick cans and smoke cigarettes, while passing time with other peoples prescriptions
wish me luck, you schmuck, not doing so good, doesn't mean i lose
i'll feel free to abuse the crap outta me, join in, i'm too crazed to care
anyway, there's nothing much here


i gotta stop beating myself over the small stuff
it's all junk, i'm getting so numb from overcoming
every issue that passes through the doors
maybe i can take just a little more baby
-if you're not up for saving me, today's a busy day
i get it, you'll come around, it's time
just by then i'm scared that we might be gone


i have to get out, leave the house, walk the block
i'm manic and maybe that's really what this is all about
but i'm not sure, nothing's clear, i keep it stored, it needs repairs
thank god for music, i dive into it, scream at the top of my lungs
and wonder where all this anger can really come from
i need to pass out before i think myself insane
i got some valid excuses, but i'm mainly to blame
and this heartache follows me almost everywhere
so i gotta go to sleep to put off the despair

Right Before Broken

i got enough hats to cap a small country
enough soul to raise marvin gaye and make him say
hayyyyyy, so much heart, screw it being torn apart
it's in one piece now, not even sure how
i quit asking questions, the answers got depressing
i got my eyes wide shut, nicole kidman
doing a damn thing, i'm just a kid, man!


about to hit the streets and grab some coffee,
call me if you wanna take a walk with me
i'll show you how to get high, and get by
a ten minute walk, you won't wanna keep score
i'll school you in seconds, life and love retention 
missteps and miscues, i'll put you right in someone else's shoes


i have some choices to make, but hey, i have time
can't expect to rise up over night, it's a fight
i have some people to forgive and lessons to live
some prayers to say, and changes to make
taking strides, with or with out you on my side
and if you're not with me, forgive me, we can't be pals
i'm on a high cal diet, i only feed with the fattest
only listen to the wisest, answer to a goddess
oh she's beside us, i'm beside myself, i need help
humpty dumpty something - put me back together
mend it, make it new, i have something to show you
underneath this hard exterior, i'm running scared
come find me, yell my name, i'll hear you
if i haven't gone insane, and changed my name
along with my story, it all got boring
reminiscing the same memories, insisting it's love
when hell i couldn't tell, i knew nothing well
well, that's not exactly true, i know how far and long i fell
i'm fucking up my shit all. over. you.

Sex With Myself, What Else?

i woke up this morning and masturbated, the drowsiness faded and i contemplated how depressed i can get.  another second and, the clarity will end. so,  i wonder what you'd have to say for me, if you didn't leave, believe you would have developed a bad taste for me, where's the disguise i misplaced you in, can i find it again?  all the sprawling minutes you hinted we might be finished, a discussion we never had to hold, i'd been told put my hands up and fold when love gets cold.  it was hot as hell on my end, but it wasn't much to depend in, or run with - not exactly sunkissed when you're a void, and it's hard to capture, but after the rapture you spilled over within me, i thought i had a god given right to never let you go, every wishing well, my change fell, hoping you'll return cause wishes come true, for a few - it's an impossibility but i'm not annoyed.  i'm just so numb i couldn't feel that the fire was set from the minute we met, lit like a candle, i never imagined the trance you fashioned canning me along with your love and together we took a vacation from life, we called it great love placement, after taking up the sexcapades, engineering sweeter dates, sure you moved on, and i've been doing fine, so whats really all the harm?  my friends get sick when i say your name, to them it's a game, what i felt ain't real just grapevine crap they couldnt care less about, ha they're buried in clout and what they think they want, but once you've found it and been around it, you yearn for nothing else, except escapes and trust and shit you make up to yourself you care about to flee the fight you knows gonna knock you out. but i'm already on the ground face up, everyone looking to trade up, i make mistakes but not that one, stay humble and free, how about next time stay with me.

i'm going back to sleep. peace.

The Sting

it's all my fault, all your flaws, i knew
and i bring out the worst in everyone i know
- i'm to blame, and for all that i crave
and how i explain my faulted ways
and why i expect the forsaken
to keep what i've thrown away
i watch the smoke float from my cigarette
a streaming gray string, and the sting
it reminds me of the time passing
and how if bloods so thick
it evaporates rather quick
like how the smoke is hardly there
it dissipates into thin air
resentment runs wild over the shouting
my temperament leaves for no allowing
all the pain stays, takes up residence
i don't give in and it's a life's sentence
you're not a treat yourself
we could all use a little help
give in for just a minute
see that you aren't finished
there's more to fix and add and make and mesh
we will work 'til death

Put Your Brain In The Blender & Press Puree

when you're busy questioning anything, remember that's life
try and love it out with the strife, and here's a heads up
maybe you should question why it is you're even loved
and what it is you're made of
instead of why everything's distasteful
fuck regrets and just be patient
life's a game of waiting, i'm on a time out
a most impressive hiatus
if u wanna join me, first off, provide proof you're not faking
i need instant gratification, put the ID away - i'm talking about that sensation
i get when folks are on the real shit like me, smoke trees, be free, dirty knees
and a diseased sense of moral codes we shop around then sell
to the highest bidder, perfectly fitting, take advantage of the shit of the litter
and i'm just feeling bigger! pushing closer to where i ought to be
talking to a broader audience, pick up the phone and rage to me
631-487-9081, i promise i'll listen until you're finished
cause it's NOT all the same to me

Imposters Roam, Keep Them From Knowing

now that it's over can i say we fucked?
or you still wanna call that making love?

and i'm pretty sensitive but even i knew better,
however, if i knew you'd leave i would have never gave what i did
gone so far, i'm just a lame kid, waiting on big changes
i'm scared shit of making, and that i'll probably end up wasting
but if i had a hand to hold walking along the frigid streets
i wouldn't creep along so slow, so i need to get started
keep myself away from all the martyrs
-pretty much you, and uh
so much for showing love, made up, face down
i paid you in sex, drugs, cash, and compliments
so what more could you have wanted?
and baby i don't make mistakes, so what they say can't be true
and you were what i was waiting on, the miracle
it was short lived, that god-given libido as a wandering sensation
that we were always busy making, and now as it lays wasted
can't believe you folded, but i can because before you did you told me
i guess it really is the same old, sad, boring story, love lost, no recovery
a relapse and an unfortunate function of my mind that comes with
it leaves me far behind the present, unaware of the next
and recovery is way more indulgent than just a 12 step

The Stuff Of The Utmost Importance

i swear i feel you watching me at work, i might be a bit disturbed.  but listen, i don't mind, i feel those eyes, eying me down.  watching me from afar, the horror of my sadness apparent with my head down staring at the brick wall - wishing i hit it after a free fall.  and i bet you see it, and it hits me. this never happened.  because if it had i wouldn't be writing this now, i'd have passed away, i mean i'm so choked up i'm barely breathing, and as this lifetime of mine unfolds, i consider all the times i've sold out.  wonder can i fall in love again? yet again, a hundredth time, for old times sake, i wish we could recreate the high school business we got down to in my back seat, my back killed me the day after, but there's nothing to regret in laughter.  and when i catch myself feeling sorry for the tear that you parted i recreate the happy days when our delicate love was caught up in the sands of time and the mammoth gaping hole you left that has brought me close to death wasn't here, but now i have that experience of the dire, i'm dying to require a stay of days for me to say whether or not i'll be able to keep stable during the before and after of a relationship bound disaster.  it's just taking us for a spin.

there's people who just lost stuff of the utmost importance to them
and they can't move, so what's our excuse?