This Happens

i swear i'm past my past, i finally got it behind me and now i refuse to look back. i've been doing so much better, i never turn around. lately i ride my bike and i'm fond of being alone, it does me good having nothing to listen for. and my pain just hasn't been a factor, it can't bury me without any notice - where i would feel betrayed and relive the days that scolded me with ease.

so i've patched some failures up, and buried some at sea, and when they float back to shore i'll choose not to see.

September 6, 2011

i'm alone and depressed and i'm 22, everything seemed so much better when i was 15, the first time through.  and now all i needs a mirror so i can cut my own hair, cause i'll always be better off alone.  and maybe it's the more of me, or maybe it's the less of you, but this lowly life i lead is hurting me and i don't know what to do, probably never will, that's the life i lead.  and i've begged this life to provide another to protect me from my own insecurities, they've matured through the culture and morphed into a hellish beast that always has its eyes on me, i feel the glaring eyes, but i won't look into deceit, so it can keep its eyes on me.  i'm something of a warrior myself, i don't need to look tough.  i have been rung out and remade,  i do it alone and it drives me insane.  but now i'm just fighting what i predict is coming, which could be nothing.  i've been a fool before, it happens, then i grow sore.  but this times feels different like it could happen any minute.  that's probably why i'm so nervous, i'm biting my nails, and pretending they're steel.  after all i penned your death last night, put it all to rest last night - gave up the good fight for the greatest fight - i ended it last night.  only with myself, i'll keep it here 'til i need your help and remember why i saved it.  i didn't let it die, how could i when i wouldn't even cry, i'll let it all get stronger and i'll fight it when i'm sure it'll kill me.  when i'm sure i don't stand a chance - i'm just waiting for me to screw me.

It's Been What, 3 Months?

i want it all to be your fault so bad, but i can't cope, it's so sad.  ever since i could remember, it's been gone or asleep, no in between.  i dont' have the face to deal with all my mistakes so i change my ego and alter myself.  i call up all my closest friends and beg them for help.  none of them answer, so i head to the bar.  i haven't had a drink in ages, but i toast to disarm the despair that faults me, and brings me to the brink where i try not to care. i want so badly not to, it just seems you have a permanent spot though, in the pit of my heart, and then you just dart.  i miss you, you're splendid, you're smile, i miss it.  i shake things up to disorient my tastes.  i'm eager, but i'm going no where fast. and how long can this last? it makes no sense, i'm a negative, just a shadow of what i'll develop into.  and how will i fare?  some fortunes i'll want to spare.  i can't believe i've made it so far. i even have a job.  i can even laugh, it feels so fake, and then i'm mad at myself for not going along with how i think i should feel.  what's really the deal?  i'm unwittingly sad, and that's why i sometimes forget how i'll be this way until death.  but i'm also clever so i package it with smiles and close up your file.  tell everyone i'm "fine" and i'll give you no mind.  sure i'll always care, but i can't dance around the truth like i've been doing.  so i think of the most magnificent ballerina and how nothing could come between us.  but something did, not a rift. just your life. a promise you made, so i couldn't save you.  and the same scandalous dollars that sent me to college, blasted me down the drain where i'm set to remain.  and i know your vanity, could have brought on the insanity, and i don't place blame, but i'm just not the same as i was before all of this happened.  the places that took my life are ravage. i want to take out the garbage.  and i used to know grief, but now i know it so deep.  it's a devastating state to be in, when you're just looking for freedom.

A Good Morning

milk in a hot cup of coffee, now that's a good morning
hop in the car and blast the music, thinking about past excuses
put them all behind me , gonna stop walking blindly 
gonna shine soon, mighty fine too, done listening to whiney fools
thinking that they know best, thinking that they know it all, when they haven't even experienced anything close to my fall - it's all a big joke, quiet urself blokes, i'm only listening to myself and the greater good, some call him god, i call it mine
all the lies people tell you about success, they have it a mess - it's synonymous with happiness, there are no tests - just troubles, don't swell them or dwell if you wanna get anywhere repel 'em and take what you learned and instead of feeling burned rise up, act tough like you have it in you, then maybe you will

screw them with their focus and goals, that shit gets old
grab love for intangibles, and hand it to another man,
you can be poor and give respect for free, nobody here has it easy
sure i might be an asshole - capital A, trust your guts - stay away
i need to relax and reciprocate, and not the fuckin' misery
whichis been eating me alive, but the love that i get
it could smother me to death, i'm failing all the tests
i need a better head, i'm hot and you're ready
baked ziti and spaghetti

Mossy Evenings And I'm At Your Door

the strawberry lush, that we had to keep hush
you sinned and i could laugh it off, but it wasn't that simple
the things i do were the things i knew you didn't
i knew from the beginning that i couldn't win it
but you always told me to stop it,  to knock it off
i was worried, paranoid, you said i was false
that i shouldn't, things would end up brilliant
oh they ended, i couldn't protect it, so i blame myself
it's contagious, i never have a chance to save it
i should face it, it's my make up, i'm wasted
it's the gray area, like what comes after?

My Todays Are Already Yesterdays

i'm not doing so good, but i bet you wanna hear something new
i could lie and tell you the trees looked especially natural today
and it caught my eye as the breeze rustled the leaves, but
that would be a lie, i haven't recognized beauty in quite a while, but
believe me i'm still patiently waiting on it's arrival, til then
survival is a day by day operation, it's no overnight transformation
kick cans and smoke cigarettes, while passing time with other peoples prescriptions
wish me luck, you schmuck, not doing so good, doesn't mean i lose
i'll feel free to abuse the crap outta me, join in, i'm too crazed to care
anyway, there's nothing much here


i gotta stop beating myself over the small stuff
it's all junk, i'm getting so numb from overcoming
every issue that passes through the doors
maybe i can take just a little more baby
-if you're not up for saving me, today's a busy day
i get it, you'll come around, it's time
just by then i'm scared that we might be gone


i have to get out, leave the house, walk the block
i'm manic and maybe that's really what this is all about
but i'm not sure, nothing's clear, i keep it stored, it needs repairs
thank god for music, i dive into it, scream at the top of my lungs
and wonder where all this anger can really come from
i need to pass out before i think myself insane
i got some valid excuses, but i'm mainly to blame
and this heartache follows me almost everywhere
so i gotta go to sleep to put off the despair

Right Before Broken

i got enough hats to cap a small country
enough soul to raise marvin gaye and make him say
hayyyyyy, so much heart, screw it being torn apart
it's in one piece now, not even sure how
i quit asking questions, the answers got depressing
i got my eyes wide shut, nicole kidman
doing a damn thing, i'm just a kid, man!


about to hit the streets and grab some coffee,
call me if you wanna take a walk with me
i'll show you how to get high, and get by
a ten minute walk, you won't wanna keep score
i'll school you in seconds, life and love retention 
missteps and miscues, i'll put you right in someone else's shoes


i have some choices to make, but hey, i have time
can't expect to rise up over night, it's a fight
i have some people to forgive and lessons to live
some prayers to say, and changes to make
taking strides, with or with out you on my side
and if you're not with me, forgive me, we can't be pals
i'm on a high cal diet, i only feed with the fattest
only listen to the wisest, answer to a goddess
oh she's beside us, i'm beside myself, i need help
humpty dumpty something - put me back together
mend it, make it new, i have something to show you
underneath this hard exterior, i'm running scared
come find me, yell my name, i'll hear you
if i haven't gone insane, and changed my name
along with my story, it all got boring
reminiscing the same memories, insisting it's love
when hell i couldn't tell, i knew nothing well
well, that's not exactly true, i know how far and long i fell
i'm fucking up my shit all. over. you.

Sex With Myself, What Else?

i woke up this morning and masturbated, the drowsiness faded and i contemplated how depressed i can get.  another second and, the clarity will end. so,  i wonder what you'd have to say for me, if you didn't leave, believe you would have developed a bad taste for me, where's the disguise i misplaced you in, can i find it again?  all the sprawling minutes you hinted we might be finished, a discussion we never had to hold, i'd been told put my hands up and fold when love gets cold.  it was hot as hell on my end, but it wasn't much to depend in, or run with - not exactly sunkissed when you're a void, and it's hard to capture, but after the rapture you spilled over within me, i thought i had a god given right to never let you go, every wishing well, my change fell, hoping you'll return cause wishes come true, for a few - it's an impossibility but i'm not annoyed.  i'm just so numb i couldn't feel that the fire was set from the minute we met, lit like a candle, i never imagined the trance you fashioned canning me along with your love and together we took a vacation from life, we called it great love placement, after taking up the sexcapades, engineering sweeter dates, sure you moved on, and i've been doing fine, so whats really all the harm?  my friends get sick when i say your name, to them it's a game, what i felt ain't real just grapevine crap they couldnt care less about, ha they're buried in clout and what they think they want, but once you've found it and been around it, you yearn for nothing else, except escapes and trust and shit you make up to yourself you care about to flee the fight you knows gonna knock you out. but i'm already on the ground face up, everyone looking to trade up, i make mistakes but not that one, stay humble and free, how about next time stay with me.

i'm going back to sleep. peace.

The Sting

it's all my fault, all your flaws, i knew
and i bring out the worst in everyone i know
- i'm to blame, and for all that i crave
and how i explain my faulted ways
and why i expect the forsaken
to keep what i've thrown away
i watch the smoke float from my cigarette
a streaming gray string, and the sting
it reminds me of the time passing
and how if bloods so thick
it evaporates rather quick
like how the smoke is hardly there
it dissipates into thin air
resentment runs wild over the shouting
my temperament leaves for no allowing
all the pain stays, takes up residence
i don't give in and it's a life's sentence
you're not a treat yourself
we could all use a little help
give in for just a minute
see that you aren't finished
there's more to fix and add and make and mesh
we will work 'til death

Put Your Brain In The Blender & Press Puree

when you're busy questioning anything, remember that's life
try and love it out with the strife, and here's a heads up
maybe you should question why it is you're even loved
and what it is you're made of
instead of why everything's distasteful
fuck regrets and just be patient
life's a game of waiting, i'm on a time out
a most impressive hiatus
if u wanna join me, first off, provide proof you're not faking
i need instant gratification, put the ID away - i'm talking about that sensation
i get when folks are on the real shit like me, smoke trees, be free, dirty knees
and a diseased sense of moral codes we shop around then sell
to the highest bidder, perfectly fitting, take advantage of the shit of the litter
and i'm just feeling bigger! pushing closer to where i ought to be
talking to a broader audience, pick up the phone and rage to me
631-487-9081, i promise i'll listen until you're finished
cause it's NOT all the same to me

Imposters Roam, Keep Them From Knowing

now that it's over can i say we fucked?
or you still wanna call that making love?

and i'm pretty sensitive but even i knew better,
however, if i knew you'd leave i would have never gave what i did
gone so far, i'm just a lame kid, waiting on big changes
i'm scared shit of making, and that i'll probably end up wasting
but if i had a hand to hold walking along the frigid streets
i wouldn't creep along so slow, so i need to get started
keep myself away from all the martyrs
-pretty much you, and uh
so much for showing love, made up, face down
i paid you in sex, drugs, cash, and compliments
so what more could you have wanted?
and baby i don't make mistakes, so what they say can't be true
and you were what i was waiting on, the miracle
it was short lived, that god-given libido as a wandering sensation
that we were always busy making, and now as it lays wasted
can't believe you folded, but i can because before you did you told me
i guess it really is the same old, sad, boring story, love lost, no recovery
a relapse and an unfortunate function of my mind that comes with
it leaves me far behind the present, unaware of the next
and recovery is way more indulgent than just a 12 step

The Stuff Of The Utmost Importance

i swear i feel you watching me at work, i might be a bit disturbed.  but listen, i don't mind, i feel those eyes, eying me down.  watching me from afar, the horror of my sadness apparent with my head down staring at the brick wall - wishing i hit it after a free fall.  and i bet you see it, and it hits me. this never happened.  because if it had i wouldn't be writing this now, i'd have passed away, i mean i'm so choked up i'm barely breathing, and as this lifetime of mine unfolds, i consider all the times i've sold out.  wonder can i fall in love again? yet again, a hundredth time, for old times sake, i wish we could recreate the high school business we got down to in my back seat, my back killed me the day after, but there's nothing to regret in laughter.  and when i catch myself feeling sorry for the tear that you parted i recreate the happy days when our delicate love was caught up in the sands of time and the mammoth gaping hole you left that has brought me close to death wasn't here, but now i have that experience of the dire, i'm dying to require a stay of days for me to say whether or not i'll be able to keep stable during the before and after of a relationship bound disaster.  it's just taking us for a spin.

there's people who just lost stuff of the utmost importance to them
and they can't move, so what's our excuse?

It's Always At Home

i wish i could be one of those people who get even and not angry, but i'm the type of person who stops believing when things get rocky.  i wish i could stop it, but i'm just not, i'm weak.  it's feasible that after i've seasoned the loss i can pass it off as not much more than small sadness that lingered because i was already broke so i was bound to break.  and you were just a single straw, a light portion of whats come before, stuff that was scarier and worse, probably why i sold my soul when you happened upon my famished aching self.  i was poorly searching for a savior, a coach - what you did is cursed.  i lived in the moment, then died in the dream.  and they were all just scenes that you orchestrated to save you from the reality of your situation.  so much faking. and lies to yourself that put you through hell, those around you as well.  scapegoats you buy and then sell.  i hope you dwell over all that you dispel, so it's never really passed up, it's always at home.

Stake Your Flag On My Land

i'm going to redirect the putrid thoughts that trifle my brain
there's a lot of things i'm going to do after i bury you

like all the things you strictly told me not to,
paint bathroom stalls with your number, immature for sure
but funny when you get called
the revolution will carry on for months, shedding old skin
-in new light, and we will all rejoice at fall
the orange blooms!
and i'll swoon along with all the fools
dancing in streets, drum beats, epic laughter
and i begin to like me bitter without the heat
i have desires but they're weak, barely speak
i keep things i shouldn't, i do things you wouldn't
but the bad guy was cleared this time
you agreed so yourself,
ah what a help!

i do things that i don't respect
-but they aren't regrets
a sheltered life is great,
but it's just not my taste
my heart is my anchor,
my sail, and it's fighting

reach out a hand
there's a million of me
out there

Sit Down & Get Comfortable

the way you won't talk, at any cost
it makes me colder that you sold out
in a minute, you were finished
- didn't even phone it in
i found out from a friend, she said
"did you hear the news"
you were just another body i was bound to lose
broken pieces of my wall, took it all too:
the romantic highs and starry skies
us laying on lawns, well before the fall
you pinched me, but i stayed asleep
that's why i'm to blame
i was in the eye of you the storm i never saw coming
dust kicking up, head turning and i catch you running
out in the distance, finally decided on a principle
but you love to support what you knows gonna fall
- and you still haven't called
baseless faces, left in love and don't know what to make of it
wore my heart on my sleeve, and here's to you for taking it
- said i was wasting it,
but you used it on shallow wounds that will never heal
- not when there's deeper ones there
and you ripped off the band-aid, out the window where i landed on the freeway
- ironic as irony has it's way of being
silly with a chilly hush that imprisons you in winter
startling frames where the fictions that remain i wanna make real
but it'll take a miracle and gods busy fixing your situation
now i'll toil, wait until you fold, so i can tell you no
for now though,
i'm on some eternal sunshine of the spotless mind miss you shit
i'm going out, just to keep the hell in
ready for anything, set my grievances on fire, took in the smoke
new life inhaled, it's all about a chance that hadn't been there
i owe you, said thank you, but u couldn't say welcome
and that really sums up the whole thing

e!

i'll wake up in the middle of the night and watch chelsea handler alone, not that we ever watched it together, but i'll laugh at it hysterically and still feel so empty.  why do things have to be so real?  i was riding my bike home today and i crashed into the wall on the bridge that goes over the highway.  i bounced off it and i immediately thought about how much i miss you.  how much i've missed you.  but also how all the hurt does no good.  life is so redundant and the pain plays games and the will to control the hurt is worthless and sends a shot of embarrassment through my body.

check yourself before you wreck yourself.

huh?

no seriously, think about it.

if the product is placed on the shelf it has to be sold.  and you were just delivering what you sold.  i'm not gonna get into how i bought it, let's not talk about buyers remorse.  i'm friendly, to an extent, but this was much worse.  i opened up my wallet, while you went through my pockets.  and i didn't feel robbed until too much time had passed where i had nothing to charge you with.  you left me in peril, i did more than dance with the devil.  we dined, and i tried to rebuke your shuffling deceit that you used against me constantly.

Happy Times

i'm confused,
when i left you were here
but when i got back from work
-you're gone, all you left was a note
that said
to, me
your
dead

and i was trying to figure out what the fuck that meant
then i remember i don't curse, and i gave up
deciphering your bottom line indifferent speech
a couple months ago, i made a promise to myself
not to cry until after dusk, and it's been going well enough
'til i woke at noon the other day, from a nap, from a dream
where you had come to stay, with me everyday
when the sleep evacuated my eyes, i began to cry
not for feeling pitiful, or angry
but because of what i get myself entangled in
how the freedom leaves
me
alone

and i feel done
with getting up from
getting my heart torn
from my chest, and i swore
you off for death,
so 'til then

make grand memories with your fantasy family
leave me out of them all,
can you see all the smiles?

happy times
leave me out of them all
leave me out of them all

You're A Liar And I'm On Fire

hey you told me to call if anything was ever wrong or i needed to talk
it's meghan
something's very wrong, and i need to talk
can i come over?
yeah i got no where to go, i know you don't wanna hear it but my hearts broken again.  and this time i don't know if i want to take the time wasting putting it back together. i'm a failure, i know you won't let me believe that cause you always say it's a lie, but trust me.  i set the bar myself and i know where i end up.
i just thought i had a little longer yanno?  until the camels back broke, if you get what i'm saying.
well i knew it couldn't stay the same for very long, i guess i just wanted more.  that's me though, nothing is ever enough, and things that come close push me off the edge.  i'm the most humane creature surrounded by the most sadistic demons.  the ones who premeditate the murders before they set out.  they march with their strong hands forgetting their scared alter-egos that they left at home but will catch up with later.  and make no mistake about it, this will be a public display undoubtedly.
don't worry i'll just keep my distance, hide in the shadows of the loveless monsters.  maybe even eat dinner with her disguised as her own kind.
my organs on the outside pumping noxious liquids that'll kill you if you sip them, blind you if you breathe them, and set fire to anything that dare touch it.  my mouth spilling lies that capture strangers by the brains and praise them and their ways. and i'm all so fake.  we make up these persona's to stave us from the real drama, armor that has an offense, worn against persons who possess no defense - so what's the purpose? 
you're caught up in highs and moments.  i was wishing for a life to start, not more reasons to feel ripped apart.

The Mounding Winter Snow

my love grows like the mounding winter snow
beautiful pastures are now bitter cold
smothered beneath this crazy white dust
was a beautiful grass, tender as it was rushed
and i'm failing, i'm falling, i'm landing, i'm free
but stored under white, the potential energy

but when that blazing ball of fire
resumes it position in the sky
the snow will all fade faster than
how quickly my heart died

Instant Gratification

instant gratification feels so amazing
and yesterday I threw it for a loop
doing all this crazy shit with you
and we blast it all to space
not a second to hesitate
me and you, we knew it
all along, as we scoured through it
found nothing worth keeping
sour dances we junked years ago
begging each other, for something
or another, chance or shot
something worth thinking about
i'll put that detached romance to rest
never allow it another breath
erase the feeling of complete devastation
compassion was lacked and i was taken
inching my heart closer to breaking
i'll try out a new one, fit it with armor
prepare it for war, we know it's sure

The Mended Staircase Story

i'll tell you as my body bounces with the train for one of the last times, i was walking down the steepest staircase, when it collapsed, not from weight but old age.  and i hit the bottom well ahead of plan, bones all broken i couldn't even stand, i prayed for death to come and steal me away, to let me land one way or another.  and one morning i woke up to the brightest light shining through my eyes and blanketing my body with the most comforting warmth.  then i heard a perfect hum and i realized its you who had come.  motionless you waited at the top of the shattered staircase, and i didn't need an epiphany because i knew what i had to do.  i started on that staircase, i used my broken bones to mend the steps - why had i considered waiting for death?  i'm stepping on myself to get to you, its all i could do.  and my body is like cloth as i drag it along, every hour a second nearer to you - what were me and death going to do?

The Last Sign

so you ask me if i feel silly and it seems like you haven't heard a word i've said.  no, i feel heartbroken and misplaced - knocking at doors when i should be home safe.  i feel fractured and empty, this isn't a joke.  i'm not a moniker for fun.  and you'd be surprised how much i build myself up.  days and hours i labor, my heart on a string i let slip away, caught up in a tree where it never visits me.  while its easier to cry in the cold and the blows hurt harder in the cold, slower to heal - and this is life in the now.

so, some tragic ends to us my friend, while walking with you all those months ago, i had no idea when i discovered this would all happen to you; the fairytale breakup, the mining for work - i don't know what to make of it.  i broke from your corner, away from the slaughter, i restarted my life and changed my makeup.  if i missed the powers i had with you, it didn't do me any good, i'd give it all back - only at the shot of a complete redo. for me.  for you.

did you ever once consider the future? what we'd do?
you made me think so.  your way of filling me up so you could deliver the last blow.

i'm overwhelmed with sadness, i hate you.
i was so liberated, freely moving like the air, not on any track or path.

A Strange Span

this invisible barrier people imagine around me
you didn't see, you carved straight into me
and attached all your weight and pretended you'd stay
but all the breaking hearts that were being ripped apart
tore like a savage into yours, now i love you all the more
and broken hearts are beautiful to mend, this isn't the end
but now mine is famished, almost dead from the damage
i know i can't ever see what i'd really like this to be
and alone in my room where the faces in the ceiling
remind me that life, is meaningless but filled
with strange spans where the demands of your heart
can't be satisfied, and we're all pulled apart

I Can't Wait To See You Again

i heard you're not working again
i could revert back to the languish
and lay in your bed
you can get up and make me coffee
i'll wonder why
we always have to watch shitty shows in the morning
i'll quit my job and sell the car
grab a drink, but buy the bar
trip all the way back to
- that place where we stay
we're all so fake

Blurry Hazed Horizons Are Wishing Me Well

the way the rays come through my window
i'm listening because it could be you
always sparkling and warm, but a shot in the dark
and you exist in a prism, i just can't get into
but you were born with enough, so i have nothing to offer
except for all the loving energy that comes to me
when i see your smile, and sure it's been awhile
but time can't take away from what's grounded within us
it's like a religion, i follow my heart cause
it's the only part of me that doesn't fight back
when i self-destruct - go running a muck
straight to your house, cut all the trees off of your property
so we all know how life there's been spent, dying and dead
nothing to shade you, so the rays have to hit you
and you'll feel what i'm feeling, and know we've been healing
the worst case scenarios that brewed within each other
you hurt me, but i forgive you
broke my heart, but
-i'd still give it to you

The Memory Of Being

you ruined what i loved about love
where what we had came from
how in the daily monotony, there can be
an instant between two people - that's deeper
than anything they've felt, a relationship formed
not from the pushed or planned
but from the brick and mortar
that make us such a sure thing
and so you set off with nothing, but fear
and a heart filled with building love
where all your happiness swarms from
and it's not just you and me - it's a godly scene
where everything that you don't see it exactly what revolts me
and leaves you battered, but at the time it didn't matter
you felt something but nothing that hurts you
only a hot plastic rose bush, that smells like perfection
and pleasure, mixed together, hot and heavy
-but it's all a collasal disaster, but i manage to master
the art of the broken heart, i've restablished
what it feels like to steal from the memory of being
-in love

Just Ask Me Nicely

hey, it's meghan.  i just wanted to check in and see how you are.  dammit i hate these voice mails, i always sound so stupid no matter what i'm saying.  but screw it, i miss you.  the hurt is an open wound in my soul, and when the sunsets and i fall asleep - i'm only at peace.  i didn't tell anyone what happened, well a few - but damn it hurts so bad someone has to hear.  i care about you in an almost motherly way, which is interesting, because i'm usually selfish.  but with you i worry something could happen, awful and unstoppable - i could never imagine mourning your loss, i'd have to mourn mine first -you piss me off though because i don't think you comprehend the ways you've so greatly changed every substantial ounce of once pitiful being - and i'm gentle now, maybe even kind sometimes.  after this though i've gone back to being mental, only not so tied up and relied in warm bodies i try and grow with.  you have me so angry sometimes i laugh, even that blows off steam.  you got me so happy, but i squander the joy, cause i've put up these walls where i truly believe i'm not something worth caring for, i'm not even bearable, and in my own skin i think i need a demolition, it would go rather quickly, i'd just have to clear all the rubble left from the several lives i've lead - student, alcoholic, addict, manic, heavyhearted, dumb founded, open minded, failure, bastard, retired, branded, bonded, clouded, aching, forsaking, love making, bread baking, heart attack faking, jaded, witness - and i've insisted on keeping all the pieces. up 'til now.  anyway the point is i can't go on much longer like this, we have to change everything.  if there's a way i could make this easy i'd find it and put it straight into action - but life is a puzzle where pieces don't fit, can't be found, or are missing.  i'm just sorry to you for my very existence. call me when you get this - we're magic and we'll make it happen.

The Battles Been Over, But I Wasn't In It

where do they live where they're numb from the pain? i'd come upon them and ruin their vision, tell them how much it hurts when another person who you love is gone forever, and all that's left is what you cherish.  and when you get weak from the cold you battle it much worse.  you see it in the faces, and moments and you measure how much damage this can do, and will you make it through?  i'll put them right in their place, explain there's no time to waste.  you have to grasp what you have, and hold on to it how you would hold our your hand, but i'm worn out from heartache so don't take my opinion too seriously.

all the running water stops, and i briefly wonder where you are
and why haven't you answered me?  i rustled up that part of you
never would have injected myself into your strife, but hey - you did
and now i surrender my love that hasn't been worth giving until it met you
and now you stand in your house and you look out the window
at all the happenings
you can't believe it- the actual existence- of happy people

Again With An Arrow

you're not what you spoke of
but it's something i'll learn from
people who pick people weaker than them
and i never could defend my defunct heart
and it's not what you talked of
it's something much worse, a poison, a curse
it was all about the sick satisfaction you got when
my heart felt like diseased pieces of memories
that still say forever, and they smother my reason
to stop it from breathing, keep me sheltered
at home with a filter, but what could've kill her?
the words are all flawless but filled with deception
is there any hope at resurrection?
but i reacted without a riot, a devoid heart quiet
now i stand with my hands behind my back
i wait for some slack, that i can't stand to have
the demons die down - they're too busy basking in my loves whereabouts
about you, the direction of the choices you're not making
the sounds of empty airwaves captures my mind
the sacred sensations you realize only in detail
when the lost fragments of your mind look to find
a little pleasure you accept won't last forever
gone in a minute is how we're gonna end it
-and now
my body is still raging from nights spent with you blazing
the fire all our desperate love created

Come Home To Me

i wouldn't admit it to myself but i knew
we had a shelf like of a
few couple weeks before it would creep
away from us, and we were nothing to scoff at
jesus won't you please, just come home to me
i'm tired and weak from roasting myself
on the front lawn, it was a sight to be seen
i was down on my knees, looking up in the clouds
just wanting to shout
won't you come home to me, how easy it'll be
wha it was before, when it was us we knew
we were living for, the love that was part of us from
WON'T YOU JUST COME HOME TO ME
-the beginning, i know you're not listening when i say
won't you come home to me and just stay
and i promise to keep the hurt from your eyes
you can lay with you head in my lap, and i'll rub your back
'til you fall asleep, and drift to far away places
where our love is making, all of this easy
where we can promote this love
where you're asleep now, where i won't let them get you
they'd have to go through me and a chest filled with hurt
and guilty anger that i got from the strangers
staying at my place - won't you just come home to me
and i know i don't hear it - but you love me, you swear it

Blanketed With A Blasé Hellion

my pants are warm cause they just got ironed
it feels like that missing fake empty happy
that i was always fond of
we wanted everything perfect, set it all up
took a deep breath in and our bodies exploded
numb from the people who brandished our aches
when we were away there was nothing at stake
and i wish it was winter, when our cravings were thinner
we survived off the drink, just took the liquor
but we meandered our better judgements and it ended up all over
on the streets, out to eat, alone in our house
but we maintained a distance, afraid it'd all bring us south
and it was kept simple, we died with routine as our only staple
truth is though i yearn for the miscues, it was what it had to do
more so though i crave for the slow heartbeats and flinching legs
never believing we'd have to leave bed, with our enemy at reach
we'd always be beat

I'm Sorry I'm Troubled

when i sit in my room consumed by defeat, i always only want to go two places, your house or the water.  i don't know what for, there's nothing wrong.  i'm doing well, in one piece, actually i have a lot going on with me.  i want to tell you.  i can't because i'll come off as arrogant - rubbing it in your face.

i'm lying, there's nothing, i'm sorry i'm troubled.  i saw someone who smelled like you and i smiled half heartedly and then burst out crying.  i was ripped open, and all was taken.  love was mistaken.  now i'm restricted to timeless sessions where my head pounds with what was found, when i know they were faking.  i'm admittedly scared as i wait for my life to establish itself, hell, i'll have to help.  i'm so mad at nothing and it frames me with daily assumptions that chances won't change, or people can't rearrange the furnishings of their lives, a balance and blend - not just the trend or routine - constant fixtures that you're lectured on to keep your distance from.

and i just want to sprout, grow out from here, not flee but reach further, but by roots stay where home is.  do it for me (?) i have only just begun to become a breeze you'd want to catch, something that could get you stirring.  no longer that howling in the night, filling you with fright.
and they cry when i let them, i really don't get them, but my face swells up and the tears spill - over.

Unoccuppied And Disoriented, Toyed With

i hear the train pass and i wish i was on it
headed out of town like i always wanted
and what keeps me here?  a couple unhappy endings
- i could spare
a couple lost moments that all left me hopeless
but where i'm at the party makes me feel lonesome
i know months away, i'll find a way
- to beat the odds
the mounting loss painfully subsides, i decide to crash at a diner
i have coffee
stare at the waitress - waiting on tables
everyone gets to where they are, but where they are never seems far
i sit scared and still and wonder when i'll see you again, if ever
and i if did would i be urged to cower, and curse you
and i'm so busy looking back and not forward
that i don't see any openings

Slipping Through Hands

because we're the sand
i'm having an emo breakdown
because i'm emotional and unstable
in these four walls, my thoughts reach for the door
they guide to where life could take me
if i'm not the blasted grave me
if i stop praying for you to save me
and somewhere decked out in the skin from the thousand souls whose lives i changed is that organic wholesome someone who will paint the thousand pictures, where i'm all in them, that change the way people explain how they function their brain and brace themselves for all the impending pain.  and the moon will stop making the tidal waves that smash our brains and turn them to the shore where they're walked on all the more.  all our senseless spectators amazed and taken back my the sea.  but not by you and me.  the tiny stones that make our brains, sticking to their skin, there until they swim - so we can end up in that angry sea, getting thrashed back to a shore that's pulling for you and me.

Your Insides Eat Mine

i'm not sure i can cure whatever it is that eats your insides
steals your will to stay alive, i thought i was changing things, getting you well, but you're trapped and were haulted at the point where things could have got better
i don't believe you can walk away, i'll be saved for another day
but if you wouldn't have woke me up i could have slept through the denial and devastation of the chance you say is not worth taking, and the prospects were supplied but the fruition denied and i'm about to walk away, like you can't, lay you down another day
my marvelous emotions floating away on an air balloon, towards the moon, and the day you told me to look at it, in all its glowing glory, it's days away, like the plans we made, and i'm always a little worried of where it all may go when i'm not around to know it - but i'm still days away, wasting away, waiting for another less lonesome day when my life will be made

I'm Not Going Anywhere Fast

hey baby
i think it's kinda funny
that my nose is running
cause i'm not going anywhere fast

i really dont get it
why you went ahead and said it
that we're not going anywhere fast

but maybe baby
if you give me a couple days
i'll show you we'll go plenty of places quickly
but i don't wanna miss you
so i'm not going anywhere fast

someone once told me
i'm not the type of person
that people rely  on or confide in
and i'm not going anywhere fast

Rehash Back To The Blast

i'm calling you and i keep believing i'll hear you phone ringing outside my window - like you already knew.  and i know, i keep my better side shut off when i hear the truth, but i know.  everything will crumble and i'll sit by and let it.  i've done it for a lifetime.  i'm not even sure i regret it.  i just look for people who love me, and i give away my flesh and my twisted love for the consolidated stuff before death.  but when the bonds i form begin to swarm i can't see in any direction, and this isn't exactly as you mentioned.  the explosions are slower and when you think they're stopping they're far from over.  and there's way more people wearing plasic than you prepared me for.  but it's okay, i move my lips but don't say anything so they think they're going crazy.  one walked right up to me and told me he's shoveled shit long enough that he's getting out of this business quickly.  if he could read lips he would have known i could tell from his expression he was deeply unhappy, and hasn't known progression.  i was gonna blow my cover, tell him i knew, that its been a long time since i knew myself straight from birth.  i wasn't blowing smoke up his crap either, i was stifled and looking for jesus - to show me how to identify the sordid souls from the glowing angels.  how to deny distractions and maintain self-reliancy.  i had been misplaced and i settled toward depression for my direction.  a road map filled with swallows, and company that had been hallowed.  and where i am now needs some work, but i'm willing.  the destruction is nothing i never seen before, but always before i went running.  i never stuck around to refurbish the lives i've littered with my self-destructive iniatives - i just level all they've built, watch the fall of it, take the next bus out of town, keep a steady head and never turn around.

Messes Make Themselves

or so i learned
solo or so low, what's the difference - you
now that i met you and defined the love
i'm totally, broken, i want to wash away the filth
drown my love in a river, and watch it float away
i hope the body gets recovered, and there's somewhere it can stay
i see you eye it as thrills, it makes my heart pummel
makes me wonder when you'll break it - i'm a fiend
in all the satisfaction and ache it means
i'd love to put a stake through it, keep it in a cage
secure it with locks - so it wouldn't get away
and i only want to please you
i've never felt this way, it's an eruption of my soul
i want you to have me all, not a fraction, not an inch
- THE WHOLE DAMN THING
but what's fair and right doesn't exist  in this epic fight
i think i'll throw a knockout punch, but i can't make a fist
surrendered with your company, it's my love affair with bliss
the science of the situation seems to go as this,
love is as love needs, the drugs we breathe
the microscope i put others under stands deserted under the covers
and my constant fever makes me crazy
all brought on by you baby

Leave The Doubt At The Door

we lay in bed like we do best, hopeless or hapless, we describe our lives like the movies.  mostly because we have no feelings.  except for each other.

and you look at me and tell me you Love holding me. i'm thinking to myself you know what i Love more,

waking up in the darkest part of night, she's a tempest when you fight to see without light, and i realize i haven't moved an inch and neither have you.  i love how my body is weaning on to yours, and we're in a pool of our own sweat, stuck together with it, and i suddenly figure out that i haven't been angry once since we started this, our life, and how we keep up, the fights that both of us lose cause our time together shouldn't be misused, the smiles and the drives.  the pasts we both stopped probing years ago, we choose to neglect the discomfort it (the past) led to.  and i think we both believed that it warranted an axe that cut our dreams and beliefs into tiny pieces.  we didn't recognize it, but we wouldn't take the blame either.  and maybe we're nontraditional when it comes to progress, but we haven't needed it since childhood.

Ashes & Dust, In God We Trust

when feelings finally disintergrate
they litter the ground, but help the taste
and now i feel your anger, it's visible from angle
and i don't talk about you, at least not devastating lies
just the type that inch you closer to your demise
just the type that you told me, the ones i saw coming, but couldn't see
and i wonder when you'll forgive me, because i forgot all about you
but i didn't forget your hope chest stuffed with porcelain lies
if you ever realize who you are, check the notes i left on your bed-
it's just what i said

Let's Keep It That Way

for my sake

it still kills me when i see you're out

on the town, where you still look down on me

and when you stray away from the perfect party

you'll blame it on your waning sobriety 

that you still can't stand to think of me

your hand at mine is forever gone

so you can't believe you dashed your chance

of ever becoming part of the us

where free will was met with doubtful lust

but if we could of caved in, and lived

together without all those evil eyes

but i couldn't convince you, i wouldn't

inhibit you, so i

took a holiday, staying away, and now that

i'm on it, i'm not smiling

i'm too out of breathe from dodging guiles

Choices That Make Changes

them:  well, you seem a lot more level headed than you did before.

me:  i cut the fat, and not from my diet you senseless moron, from life.

them:  the fat?

me:  we have a broad range of choices throughout our life,  i'm talking about being selective.  no, cut throat.  what i'm saying is boil yourself down to the core, shed the good, but more importantly shed the bad.  take it to a back alley and smack it around, give it the silent treatment, run away and change your number - do what you have to do.  then finally, when it's real quiet and you're sure that nothing is clouding you, it will appear to you.

them:  what will?

me:  it's really hard to explain, but it's very similar to satisfaction.  it's that piece of you, you've had it before and you might have even cherished it, but that didn't stop it from leaving.  maybe you never had it, either way you feel it's absence, it tingles just to remind you and hurts so it can unravel you, and you scoff at it.  but the tingles made you tremble and the pain paralyzed you.  and the self destruction you started years ago will end, you will finally turn that corner that you always saw coming but never knew how to get to.

them:  what's the catch?

me:  everything you left will get together and decide they don't need you, as if they made the choice.  ha.  it's irrelevant and you're sure of the path you took.  the other thing is, there will be these dark and cold moments where you feel uneasy about it all.  when you wonder if this gamble will eventually station itself in line with your regrets.  just remember strength comes when you pay your debts.  whatever you do though don't let it get tough for you again - do something to remind yourself you're a brand new person, but keep the tricks up your sleeve and a trainer in your corner, because the past still exists.  if you should ever lose your focus you will have to prove yourself, again.

The Premiere Of Many Thoughts

so now that i'm somewhat solid, let me sit down and write
i'm an all or nothing person, and all is so hard to retain. i'll catch it for a glimpse, and when it's gone the pain sets in. it was a hint - i barely felt it, i was so busy worrying. my mind has a plan and it's obstructed, i can't get up, i haven't, my showing is weak. i probably wanted too much, but if the world can produce this, even for an instant, how can i be angry with it? maybe the secret to life is to take and bask in the great, and be at ease with the rest of it. but for what are we destined? lately i get on my bike and i feel the best i have, maybe ever. it's difficult to tell, it all seems so worldly when i'm up this close.

and i was just like you, i convinced myself i couldn't, until i stopped believing in the ruins. and then, just like that, that was nothing to climb out of. nothing to overcome, i continued and blossomed, out from the shadows.
and my days are more plain, but i'm still not numb. no lingering effects from the lives i've left. just joy where i smile at the fun and the boring. cause it's not necessarily the delivery or the sum of the parts, but the pieces you cherish and the life you capture.

i hope i haven't left you to jump with my enemies and destroy what i do, making excuses that it's not good enough for you. but just breathe in now and compare it to when i was the entirety of the thoughts of your head. give me some credit you said i was better off dead.

To Be Read Aloud

i feel so lonely, to the point where i wrote this for you - i hope you like love it
where in the past i wouldn't answer, just to let your interest peak
now i stare at the phone, i dream i'll hear you speak
it's me who cast the first stone, and the second, maybe the third
but now i bury my head in the sand, and i disband - because you didn't stick with me
i'm devastated you didn't fight from all the way back, odds against you, even with me
you let that ship sail, and i crashed upon a razor sharp shore with all the heartbreak in the world
and life has become a disease, where death would be a breeze
it's all about the unforgiving seas of losing love that you know won't be retrieved
that will remind you everyday why your worth is weak
and all the warmth you've ever felt was fake and from machines

I Can Stay At Your Place

i know you see me as my eyes plead with yours to scoop me up and carry me home. is it okay if i call it home now too? they left me out there to die, the knives in so deep they're jabbed in the bone, and i'll take them out when we get back, i just can't do it alone.

the entire ride home we baked in the suspense, refusing to break the damp silence, but i wanted so badly to share it all with you - to tell you everything. i wanted to tell you how i expended all my energy avoiding aged demons that kept me from sleeping, and how all the dodging did me no good cause once i was drained they let themselves in and did a dance on the past couple years, spared me nothing, i got stabbed all the times i had coming. but i knew you wouldn't judge me like the others. you stopped my breakdown, made me turn corners. and i was broken, but you were boring. i was hostile, but you sought more from it.

i'm glad i survived this long, so my enemies couldn't see me die, the last bits of anger dripping out on your floor, at the very beginning when you pulled them out all you could hear was the frustrations pour.

What Can't Be

i can't wait to get away, i'll be on the ocean blue
and when i look out at the waves
i know i'll think of me and you

tortured nights out back on the warmth with the patio
screaming for you to understand why i can't let you go
the trueness of my love is impossible to fade
the tender moments stuffed with love
can never bend or break

and maybe you don't see it, it's quite possible you're blind
walking with a stick, searching for what you'll never find
and i'm right beneath you,
i'm the ground you walk
i'm a foundation that's not up to code
and i could use your help

and just like that the water would calm
bring me back to my hometown
i know i'll always think of you,
coming back when i do
and if i could just let go
who knows what i could sow
but tossed out on this fair sea
all that's left is me

A Sight That Can't Been Seen, A Rhapsody

photo credit: http://wondersinthedark.wordpress.com/2011/03/14/31-kiss-me-deadly/


the vast emptiness that has taken up residence in my chest has given me a second chance
i have a type, and it's wielding feelings like slick weaponry
i wanna shoot you down, and drag you back with me
but, will i once again let regret rain down?  dropping bombs that sound of change and send me further out from now
it's just, i know you see past my eyes directly to my brain, the way we look at eachother - it's hard to explain.

we leave verbal words for the rest of our deaf/dumb friends.  we communicate like two book ends, the compliment our relations create make the elements melt away.  it's only us on those days. and when we share those looks i drop straight to a dream.

i'm barefoot in the den and you're in the kitchen and we're sharing laughs that span an entire house we won't ever come out from.  and centuries down the road our blood will still flow in the great make up of the whole damn earth.  and it's something we'll never quite know.

i'm sure that love will take us, at least back to your place, if we ever do get vocal.
i know exactly when we met, how i never saw someone like you, happy as a fool, like me i believed there was distress and restlessness underneath.  i can't wait to let you explode right onto me.

"Tell Me" Responded The Believer

we're too proud of our struggles, and useless luggage
and yet we find everything we've been searching for all without trouble
so if it's good to think wisely, how come it doesn't feel fine (it strands you with nothing)
but i've broke through it all, it's just the free fall
you know how we end up? declared demons of our species, the grave robbers, and decadent beauty, all wind up the same, a face in a frame, on a wall in a house
all built with bare hands, the only things that still stand.  all our frequent dreams, they conclude - the curtain dropping is what finally stops us
so heavenly father, please, tell me this - should i look down?
because i lost something trying not to get it stolen
i'm about to show all my cards, i'm folding

Sold My Soul Cause I've That Low

i can't believe i still talk about you aloud
like you're still around
the ultimate indicator that i'm completely crazy
my conversations with you are always my favorite
ahh what a world it would be if you were back here with me

now i reside by windows, and i esteem myself low
along with my ambiance
along with my foe

i see a squirrel perched on a dead branch
he's in that early morning promising shade
and i think - this must be more than happenstance
him with his weight upon the dead
where my faith lies, atop what i dread

i trace the letters out with my fingers,
the etchings in the snow meant, i don't know.
stress wasn't secondary, it was tertiary and we didn't care
that same distinct disease still haunts me daily
and there's no remedy

And Then There Was One

i miss my old friend. the one i used to kick cans with to kill the time we hated. and not much arose from the situation. maybe cause we never jumped the gun with the legs we didn't have. the only two people i ever met that didn't have a clear escape. you and i buckled as they planned the getaway.

then the water level rose and when i tried to look for you it was pointless. you were so far under. so deep into it. the water swept you out to sea right as the day changed and ground crumbled beneath me.

i went back months later and saw this scene that horrified the lies about life right out of me. i saw you, head above water. my visit turned into a stay and after some careful consideration i decided misery loves life and it forges to fashion the path you take in the end.

\ all the things foregone are still aching on my mind.

Change The Course Of History, Then Disappear

before we connected i was sealed shut, you tapped in and i opened up.  you became privy to my deepest fears and greatest aspirations.  you understood, and told me they were tokens, and now that i had the keys - highs would be certain.  unfortunately for me i was the worst when i finally got a chance with the best.  now when i have something, i feel like shutting back down.  when i had your perspective i wasn't ever in search of my own.  i remember thinking how your view was the best i'd ever seen - now i'm reminded of it every time i wake from my lowly dreams.  what i saw through your eyes made me forgive my past, set my sights on leaving, only for the better, to rehash my plans then work hard from there.

people might think my tapering sadness was much to laugh at, but! hear me out,
you had founded me, established me, so much so, i hadn't minded. i finally believed in something (which easily could've been me).  i wonder if you're still alive up to what looks of no good.  taking over the identities of individuals, dragging their dying dreams off the shore, handing them a high that never would've been looked for, then just walking out, knowing it will all follow.  you left me alone and befuddled, searching for months at what you brought up.  a source of life that's so hard to get in touch.

my mentor since asked me if i was certain of your intent.
the ground shook roughly beneath me and i couldn't breathe.  it had seemed the oxygen had left the air, possibly what the new life that would live within me probably needed.
i froze up, my insides churned, then i finally gasped. this meant so much more than what my mentor had asked.

you might have helped me more than anyone, but i still hate you for it.  i'd kill to go back to when what-could-be wasn't rapping at my feet.  trying so hard to get so much from me.  i thought i could ravage your head, take out all the mistakes i'd made, melt them down, remold, and replace.
then you wouldn't know why we weren't talking in the first place.

tons of people make up lies about life, but the ones  you create hold up.
and i'm not quite sure why i hurt, but since you i know why i don't.

Late Night High School Phone Call

                                                                                              courtesy of PBS
this nightmare turned reality has grown from my instability. i call your mother and ask for your number, my voice is breaking up as i'm breaking down - i tell her i'm sorry. maybe just for the late night high school phone call, maybe for a bit much more.

and i think of the birds and their flock, and with the formation it's still a scene of chaos. but the package is classical and coy. i promise to mirror myself after the birds the rest of the call. my temper is sore, so i slow down the tempo, listen to her list the numbers, count each one with the tip of my pencil. hang up the phone, it was about to destuct, i couldn't allow it.

with the phone down, i think off all the hurdles and exactly how they got where they're at. it had become my fault when stranded with my manic actions i forbode to disappear into that same thin air where you had found your eyewitness accounts (those which had only escalated the severity of the faults that would strand our survival) it was nothing without one another. and just so you don't misremember the distance didn't come from either of us moving, but instead where things had to take us. just that may i was escaping to your heart, by the dead hottest days the fight had gotten out. neither of us could have moved so quickly. we shied away from the risky.

so i sit depleted of everything but faults
holding the handrail the entire way down
that's what you do abandoned by escorts
and i believe in jesus, ghosts, and how unprofitable the bottom line is
but where has it brought me: just to a point where i want to let go, or be let go of
relieve myself of anchors and foundations that had mistaken the aggression of my guilt.
and range of my heart, i commiserate how the tiniest void can create the largest vacancy [in a pretty big heart]
the anchors and foundations crumbled under the acidic mixture
of our fears and my heart.

Blank For The Stranger

i know what you're doing as you try to do it
i just wish you'd quit it
and here's for my critics
and the sloppy rain we watched together
broken hearts are clumped together
stay near me, i'm hopeful- i know it doesn't show
but things i've done don't decide what i'll do
cause moving on is such a drastic song
i play a couple notes, then get buried along

i know what you're trying to do as you do it
but quit looking sexy, it's ruining everything
mostly my plans get foiled as soon as i see you Bare
it's all too much for my fragile nerves
along with my everlasting desire to-
transform what we had into a great deal more
complex task that i dont mind
because you're still the closest stranger

i know what you do when you do it
hearts can't ache when they've been taken out
and used as weapons, i'm sorry i cried
it worsened the arid conditions that existed
when we fell in love

Ain't Nothing Worse Than Nothing

the grudges just kept rubbing at my iridescent heart
eventually letting all the good get pealed away
and all the angry that dispensed was confounded with me - properly on defense
the demons that unleashed reaped havoc not on me,
but every piece where you had custody

so i chanced the mystery that swam with me
i felt it an open opportunity to leave
as i struggled to defend the choices i had taken
my weakened memory forgot how merry things had made a place
they flew off moments after our last

i left that part of you, but it hadn't left a wound
i thought i got away with something: until i realized,
there's nothing worse than Nothing.

For The People Up High

yesterday it felt like i was thrown into reality without the bumpers and safety net.  no sound checks or dress rehearsals.  no mentor, no Virgil.  i look straight up and i see the scars in the sky.  from all the jumbo jets and the people up high.  and a kid like me is so far away we can't even be seen.  and yet i strangely have rescue on the forefront of my mind. it's better than the muscle and everyday grind.

and i see everyone else going so fast, gliding right over those short, deep gaps in the plan.  but i'm moving so slowly, i'm an easy victim, i fall right in them.  on the way down it's not my life that flashes before me, it's yours.  and you're screaming at me to just land, to hit the bottom like man.  and the bottom is something that can't be seen from the surface.  it's cavernous and chilly, and i walk around like i may find my way out.  dig in, and climb the walls - at any angle, with no security.

instead i carve out the side, crawl in a ball, and plant myself inside.
the rain can't flood me out, the faces can't call my name.
and it's all the same as it had been before,
and i'll come out when i'm good and ready.

once my wounds heal up and i can comfortably stand on two feet.  i had gotten so accustomed to giving in and taking it all. so for now i'll just sit here while i work myself out, and hopefully not into deeper trouble where i won't get myself out before summer.  i'll shed the layer of plaster and grit, and watch i'll wind up jumping out of this pit.

My Grievances Defeat Me

i'm catatonic and you keep me this way
the truth is within everything you bring
that you might as well take it back
bring it to the origin where it can be reborn
christened with new potential

and as we walk i hum the tune of a song
my dad used to sing it, cared for it then
now it's damp and heavy from tears it's absorbed
- i just can't like it anymore

forever is a ploy, a sham, a fake, a fraud
she better hope she never sees me
i'll spread the news like wildfire,
surrounding her in a circle, no opening

bright lights blinding the seeing eye dog
the guide we relied on, hapless like us
he lead us to a salvaged path - but,
not without the motion of the sham
i retract this state of crisis
for deeper waters with wilder waves
ones that'll take my life before i'm saved

The Next Big Thing

you didn't even wanna come home with me that night, i swallowed my pride and almost begged you. the lack of life in my eyes caught your attention and you came. on the ride home you rested you head and i was happy to have my lap full. every pothole we hit didn't register. it was one of our last times together (i never saw it coming), i pulled you aside when we got back to your house and i asked how you felt about me. you kissed me like you had always wanted, like when you dated that chubby philanderer - as i'd come to call her - and i wouldn't be within miles of you. none of it mattered because you failed to answer the question. it had become my bible, i studied it until my eyes drooped and died, they couldn't see clearly. and you kept on living like our production had never existed. nothing ever pulled on you, got you frantic - it all did to me. they all thought just because my lifeless body was still breathing they shouldn't put me in the ground. boy were they mistaken. i was low enough and i was done living. peace might have come had you tossed your fistful of dirt over top my grave.

i didn't really want to die, but i really didn't wanna come back to life. however, i misjudged the presence of religious zealots, and overestimated the revelations they would all suddenly have after the initial shock of my blessed miracle. one night too i had a dream that the government seized me and took me to an abandoned lab furnished with faces frozen in time. they ran tests on me, but that was never the case. i woke up feeling less convinced i'd be the governments number one target. the zealots terrified me though because i had nothing to prove, but i was aware they'd force my participation in spectacles. it had always had success with their transgressions and how the choose to spread the word.

when i came back to life is an impossible moment to describe. but i imagine it felt something like being jolted by those paddles dr's use to restart your heart.
in my case however life had slowly built backup over time but i only realized it in one quick instant. just like that i took everything out of the drawer and got it back up on the shelf and if you come over today and saw it i'd make sure to tell you i did it all without help.

Phoenix Resurrected

i look back and it flashes over - taking me down in its undertow. similar to anti-gravity, i'm drifting away from earth.  how long in this undertow
can i last
and it's been almost a year since i gave up, didn't look back. actually withdrew myself from plenty, and i could consume more. endure it all much better, and learn more.

i took the guts right out of it and sent it to the coroner, and i'll stand by when they slap you on the table. they'll cut you open like sunday dinner, but they won't be expecting what i already knew.  you survived with insides that curdled, so sour.  it amazing you lasted with that putrid stink.  and to think you grimaced at passerby's when they twisted their faces.  you swelled with anger when you knew it was was all misconceptions (how you believed to be looked upon - once described as "completely bloated in an ignorant figment of how [you're] viewed), your brand had cascaded.  you cried behind the shed in your backyard while your parents watched out the kitchen window.  they were hesitant to come to your side, you constantly pushed away those invested in you. 

so it was no surprise when they tell me it's mostly empty, you were running on ashes and all that was there is black, i'll share a laugh with your ghost right after i remind the coroner to take care of the remains. and it's funny because when you were still here i told myself you lost your dignity.  now i find myself defending it, and excusing it for the past.

Three Thoughts

1.

Sometimes odd couples

are actually even

and my match

does start a fire.

2.

Expectations are a

well in my heart

the further away

the closer to start

I'm drowning in three 

inches of life.

3.

My sadness is hidden

-why I don't know

I started to cry

when I saw it go

I chased it down the street

then I held my head high

in defeat.

A Shift In The Map

when i sum it up i just didn't wanna budge the past year or so. at this point i underestimate the duration for personal reasons. maybe i'm afraid if i stray too far it'll all be over, a new chapter will begin. it could just mean i can't put it in the past. sleepless nights where i dial your number and call you to my bed. all that's visible is your figure - you don't say a word. i wonder aloud, playing with the length. it seems shorter when it plays out as redundant and i briefly wonder if that's what we're really all fighting. a shameless routine we don't want to see. and yet i am curiously angry with all that challenges and forces a forfeit of the routine.
can you dig it?
however, it's possible to be tripped up, a created distraction that follows my track, noting all my moves, could be following you too. he's a predator that has studied your scent and has inherited your story, wishing to rewrite himself into only the most personal and particular. out on the streets - not even on the sly - he tells every individual, ones that won't even listen, my story. from birth to present.
all the candid details and every sterling moment.
so without the faintest bit of effort he has overnight become me. with a better reputation, more distinguished education, and a look slightly more established as beauty.
i'd laugh but my life's work was just discredited. i went down to the local bar. the floors were so sticky i could merely sway my hips. i engaged in some drinking, breaking my sobriety, i complained to the regulars with their layman rebuttals. i was unconvinced of their struggles, but sure of their stacked up disappointments. but i longed for you and it was apparent. when i downed my last beer i found the door and made my way out. i stumbled out and then along home.
back in my bed, right where i had started. but now with a stench from all the sparring with the sorted soul who found himself kicking my ankles. and for all the splendor that all his admirers reported - when i was asked i always denied talking.

One Hail Mary, Then Let's Go Out

before, we would sit on the train together and pretend to be in love - just for the tourists. your arm around me. my hand on your thigh. i'd tell a story to the tourist and you'd stare passionately at me. you'd tell a story to the tourist and i'd stare admiringly at you, a quick look back to the tourist, just checking in, right back to your lips. then you would say your goodbyes and depart at your stop. me and the tourist left to rear the conversation.

as the train leaves your stop the tourist addresses me. filled with envy and anguish as he gropes through two questions. could two people be more in love? can i ever find that?
the tourist slowly comes back from that place we always sent them. the bright pasture filled with life. you bounce and the bumblebees don't scare you. and the river will never stop running, and the trees will always be in bloom.
the tourist was so far off after bearing witness to a pure love that flourishes between us.

the tourist looks back at me and makes a statement of fact: "you and your boyfriend really love each other"
i correct him on our circumstances. i tell him of our wild love for one another, but remind him that we're still young. i assure the tourist i'm in love with you, and i'm almost sure you feel exactly the same way. i tell how our unfortunate dilemma roots from the sole truth to our love. we both know that once we get together there would be nobody else after. i explained gingerly to the tourist that neither of us are ready for that sort of commitment quite yet.

at the moment we preferred to stage our love on the train. we needed to remind people of that young unconditional love. a real life memo reminding folks that this rare and untamable beast may be endangered, but it's not extinct. only hard to sustain. and while it might put on a show, it rarely makes a curtain call, and never delivers an encore.

The Last Holiday Between Lives

it just occurred to me that we're gonna spend the holidays together. and i'm not quite sure what to make of it. i'm always for signs and symbols , but you punched me in the face and i just walked away. first i fucking spit the blood right in yer face. no i'm telling the story differently. it was at your shoes, and i missed. good enough for me because you probably would have beat the shit out of me if i did what i wanted.

when i was growing up i always said to myself that i wouldn't let anyone get the best of me. of course years later i did. i was carved out, and i know you took all the good. or whatever it was that let me function. i resembled a normal person, and you might have seen through it, but maybe then you should have backed off and let me have it.

and god you sound silly when you're bashing my choices. i look at you and i know not to get angry, i didn't make you and i can't change you. where does that leave me? i'm being pushed out of the smallest social circle, the most desperate club. fuck it. i'll give up, and give it some time.

i just know that when i went in for seconds, you smiled. it was wide and bright. and for nearly an instant i had the world. for all the other instants when you rejected me dissipated. but the rejection staved off the the merriment.
i about gave up on life right then. i wanted to go to the bar, order a whiskey and coke, and eventually order 3 more.

stay there to closing being brigaded by whispers representing the past.